I believe myself to be a person with good morals and values. I grew up with a alcoholic father and have a strained relationship with my mother. I have good solid long term friendships. I have always ended up in relationships with men that need fixing, the last of which I have discovered is a mid line narcissist. What is wrong with me? What questions do I need to ask myself to understand what is attracting me to these unhealthy, emotionally abusive relationships? I know I have a need to "fix" because of my father but understanding this has not helped me make better choices.
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Answers
I also agree it is due to your upbringing. You are trying to fix the image of your father (and of other males) in your mind by trying to fix the present relationships you have with males.
You must move on from relationships if they are not trying to be a partner in your relationship. You cannot be the one who fixes everything, the one who does all the work--they have to help out too, or there is no real relationship.
There is codependency, on both sides.
Seek help from a T or pdoc, if you havent, about codependency, self-esteem, and family issues.
Best,
Clyde
My guess would be that because of your upbringing, you don't have the radar that would lead some other people to get out of unhealthy relationships when they see the warning signs. Growing up with unhealthy relationship models, often we don't learn what signs to look out for -- instead, unhealthy ways seem familiar or reassuring. There's also the danger that men who duplicate the patterns of childhood keep us hooked because we're trying to reenact the old patterns but make it come out "right" this time. Even after you know it, it's hard to resist the deep emotional draw of such relationships. One thing to consider might be what the first signs were that the relationships were going to be unhealthy. Often -- maybe even all the time -- the signs are there from the very first meeting, in a veiled form. Maybe the man has a little too much to drink that first evening, or talks only about himself, or makes a lot of joky criticisms, or shows a little flash of anger toward someone. One question I've found helpful is, "If one thing he's demonstrated tonight were going to drive me crazy, what would it be?" People are on their very best behavior early in a relationship, so if it's a bad signal at that point, it's only going to get worse. It's not that healthy people don't go out with emotionally abusive people -- it's that they don't go on second or third dates with them. The difference is that people with abusive pasts do go on those second or third dates -- they're so used to unheathly behavior that their alarm bells don't go off. There also might be unconscious assumptions such as "It's up to me to make this work," "I shouldn't be judgmental," "There aren't many good men out there so I'd better grab this one while I can," "Not many people would like me, so I should be grateful that this one does and stick with him." Those can keep you from moving on despite warning signs. And once women form a relationship with a man, it often seems that a switch flips and we're with him for the duration, no questions asked. Instead I think it might be useful to pay very meticulous attention to those early days or months, always asking not "How can I make him like me more?" but "How do I feel? How do his actions affect me? Is he showing openness, maturity, reliability, kindness?" And remembering to move on promptly if not. An important secret to a good relationship is not stopping till you've found someone who's worthy of your devotion! Hope that helps.