Before you read anything you need to know i have never told anyone about my experience neither did i ever wrote it down anywhere fearing anyone might find it. i dont remember the exact age i was when it started. Even today i remember the very first day my brother made me touch his Penis! I remember myself giggling the whole time. Then it started he would touch me, convince me to play sex with him. Year after year it got worse. I think i was around 10ish when he showed me porn. he wanted to do the same to me but he was scared so he put his penis around my vagina. He assured me that there was nothing to be worried about since he didnt penetrated me. I remember my first kiss. Yes it was him. He made me try oral sex as well and asked if i felt anything. I said no. Then i remember one day i was home with my second brother. i suddenly go into his room to get something and i caught him watching porn. As i was getting out of the room he stopped me and dragged me in and made me sit on his lap. When he understood i scared he let me go saying not to tell anyone. I promised i wouldnt but i did. I told my older brother he didnt say anything. In the mean time my older brother kept on molesting me by touching innopropeately whenever we were alone. One day we got caught by our mother. But she didnt see much except the fact we were really close to each other. After that she called me by my name when i got outta the room she interrogated me for an hour. Asking me different questions over and over. I lied. I denied. I was scared. I didnt know what to do or say. my mom gave up.
After that I remember him wearing a plastic bag like a condom and coming to me one say saying he has protection and he wants to do the real sex. I turned him down. I was starting to understand whats going on. i was starting to understand this was wrong. Our family went though a move. When we got to our new place it stopped. I started going out with a guy for 2 years. After quiet a bit of a time one day when we were alone he came to me and told me i was willing to do it like old times? If i did he would buy me whatever i needed!
I clearly said no! I told him i dont wanna look down at myself anymore. I wanna stop feeling the way i felt for the things we have done in past.
After that it stopped completely. i think what i said hit him and he changed. and even today when i think about it i know i wouldnt have been able to tell him anything if i wasnt serious about the guy i was dating at the time. after years now i look at my brother and look at our relationship now i only see what a brother and sister should have but when once i remember what he put me through and what he introduced me to, i start to despise him all over again.
Because of the guilt and the hate that i have inside not only for him but for myself for not putting an end to that earlier and for cooperating. i cannot have a decent relationship now. i have been single for over 3 years. Though last year i went was with a guy who was completely physical with me. I broke up after the very first date.
i know i have trust issues but when it comes to brothers i just wonder how can a girl have two brothers and both of them tries to molest her at some point? i just wonder. i dont know if i can have a decent relationship with anyone ever again. My friends ask my whats my problem and why dont i ever give anyone a chance.. And why dont i ever let anyone in? And why i always pick the emotionally unavailable or unavailable in general guys to obsess over. i don't have answers to those questions. Everyday i put a smile to my face and just be normal around my family and my brothers like nothing happened. i've gone through all the stages such as, cutting arms, doing drugs, drinking, smoking etc. but i've stopped! But can someone tell me what i can do?
[pardon my grammar and spelling mistakes, this is the first thing i did today after waking up. I needed to share to someone, couldn't take it anymore]
Notice: Psych Central Answers shut down to new questions on January 11, 2013.
Looking for a place to ask your question? Sign up today for our community (you'll need a separate account than the one you use here), and ask away!
Ask and answer questions about mental health and relationship issues in a safe & supportive environment. If you ask a question, you will have to answer someone else's first, in order to give back to others here.