Before you read anything you need to know i have never told anyone about my experience neither did i ever wrote it down anywhere fearing anyone might find it. i dont remember the exact age i was when it started. Even today i remember the very first day my brother made me touch his Penis! I remember myself giggling the whole time. Then it started he would touch me, convince me to play sex with him. Year after year it got worse. I think i was around 10ish when he showed me porn. he wanted to do the same to me but he was scared so he put his penis around my vagina. He assured me that there was nothing to be worried about since he didnt penetrated me. I remember my first kiss. Yes it was him. He made me try oral sex as well and asked if i felt anything. I said no. Then i remember one day i was home with my second brother. i suddenly go into his room to get something and i caught him watching porn. As i was getting out of the room he stopped me and dragged me in and made me sit on his lap. When he understood i scared he let me go saying not to tell anyone. I promised i wouldnt but i did. I told my older brother he didnt say anything. In the mean time my older brother kept on molesting me by touching innopropeately whenever we were alone. One day we got caught by our mother. But she didnt see much except the fact we were really close to each other. After that she called me by my name when i got outta the room she interrogated me for an hour. Asking me different questions over and over. I lied. I denied. I was scared. I didnt know what to do or say. my mom gave up.
After that I remember him wearing a plastic bag like a condom and coming to me one say saying he has protection and he wants to do the real sex. I turned him down. I was starting to understand whats going on. i was starting to understand this was wrong. Our family went though a move. When we got to our new place it stopped. I started going out with a guy for 2 years. After quiet a bit of a time one day when we were alone he came to me and told me i was willing to do it like old times? If i did he would buy me whatever i needed!
I clearly said no! I told him i dont wanna look down at myself anymore. I wanna stop feeling the way i felt for the things we have done in past.
After that it stopped completely. i think what i said hit him and he changed. and even today when i think about it i know i wouldnt have been able to tell him anything if i wasnt serious about the guy i was dating at the time. after years now i look at my brother and look at our relationship now i only see what a brother and sister should have but when once i remember what he put me through and what he introduced me to, i start to despise him all over again.

Because of the guilt and the hate that i have inside not only for him but for myself for not putting an end to that earlier and for cooperating. i cannot have a decent relationship now. i have been single for over 3 years. Though last year i went was with a guy who was completely physical with me. I broke up after the very first date.
i know i have trust issues but when it comes to brothers i just wonder how can a girl have two brothers and both of them tries to molest her at some point? i just wonder. i dont know if i can have a decent relationship with anyone ever again. My friends ask my whats my problem and why dont i ever give anyone a chance.. And why dont i ever let anyone in? And why i always pick the emotionally unavailable or unavailable in general guys to obsess over. i don't have answers to those questions. Everyday i put a smile to my face and just be normal around my family and my brothers like nothing happened. i've gone through all the stages such as, cutting arms, doing drugs, drinking, smoking etc. but i've stopped! But can someone tell me what i can do?

[pardon my grammar and spelling mistakes, this is the first thing i did today after waking up. I needed to share to someone, couldn't take it anymore]


Answers


MEdwards
942 days ago
This...was hard to read for me. I am so, so sorry. :(

I will do what I can, as will others...the only thing further I would ask from you is your age when this started, if you are comfortable sharing this with us and if you can remember, and when it stopped. It would help us. At any rate, you are incredibly brave in opening up with this.

For you, I would advise the absolute best thing you can do for yourself is to seek a therapist, if at all possible. They can offer everything you need to help move past this and allow it to be part of the past.

I...find it difficult to advise anything as far a normal relationship with your brothers go, and I would tell you that you're a better person than me for even trying to at least keep appearances. What they did to you was wrong, period.

Would you consider telling your mother? I don't know how far in the past this is, but perhaps if you explained to her what happened (in honesty) and how it has affected you (again, with honesty), she could help you seek help? I realize that's asking something very difficult, but I think it could only serve to help.

I hope I was able to offer some help, though I know it's not much. I hope others will be able to help offer their wisdom, and I hope to be of more help once I step back for a moment and give this some more objective thought.

Please take care. I am keeping you in my prayers.



shallremainnameless
942 days ago
@MEdwards i think i was around 7ish when it started and it stopped around 14. not sure about these numbers though. I am on my 20s now.

I cannot tell my mother. it will ruin our family. she is the type to share everything with everyone. i don't have a great relationship with her. I was thinking about getting therapy but i am not comfortable sharing my story with someone face to face. I don't think i can without having a complete emotional breakdown.

Thanks a lot for replying i'm glad to share with someone.



MEdwards
942 days ago
I understand. I still stand by my statement, but I will trust your judgement in the matter.

I do think that therapy is absolutely the way to go, however...I know it's a frightening and uncomfortable prospect to share something like that face to face with someone you don't know. But they've been trained to help victims of things like this overcome what has happened, and I would wager they've heard things similar to your story before. You aren't alone, that I can promise.

And please, you needn't thank me. :) I'm happy to help any way I can.



shallremainnameless
942 days ago
Alright I will definitely going to go for therapy.

I feel so relieved for being able to share with someone. Cause I usually just push my feelings down, keep myself busy, don't think about it, but there are sometimes I just break down.

You are awesome btw!



MEdwards
942 days ago
I try. :)

You shouldn't have to deal with something of that magnitude alone. I think having someone who's been trained and knows how to help you through this will, in time, make a world of difference. No one can give you overnight change with this, but I think if you give it time, things will get better. :)

I'm very proud of your decision, and I wish you the very best. :)



Thisisit
940 days ago
I too am so sorry for what you've had to endure. I wish I could offer words of comfort, but I can't even begin to understand.

I am 100% with MEdwards about therapy. I had just one additional thought I figured I'd share in case you find it helpful. A lot of the therapists on this site tell people who are afraid to speak face-to-face about their problems to print out the letter they wrote here and bring it to their therapist. That may be a good option for you. That way you won't have to necessarily go through the pain of the whole story if you're not up to it. Your therapist will instead have the opportunity to "start" the counseling and healing process in the sensitive way that he or she is trained to do.

Good luck. I'm glad you're seeking help at a young age. You've got a long life ahead of you and no need to have this secret hold you back.



Beauty4ashes
848 days ago
I am so sorry that this happened to you! I don't know how long ago you wrote this so I'm sorry of this is a little late. I have been through a very similar thing with my older brother. I didn't tell anyone for years but I eventually got into counseling and it has changed my whole view. I still have issues with my brother and our relationship is extremely strained, but I finally feel ok about myself.

One thing I would say about counseling is that you don't have to say everything right away. You can start off with relationships now or wherever you want. I didnt tell my story until a full year after being in counseling. They are there to help you, not to push you. I would encourage you to find someone you like and feel that you trust and just go and see what happens. Dont be afraid to take it slow and not really say much at first. Take control back of your life and your emotions. You are an extremely strong person to servive through that. But now, do more than servive, live! And love living! It is possible even after all you have been through! I don't know if you are religious at all but if you have a bible, I would encourage you to look up Isaiah 61:3 it got me through a lot :)