Hi,

I am 23 and not quite sure of how to label myself sexually. However, recently I have been jumping from one relationship to another without taking any time off in between. I recently joined a 'support group' and became acquainted to many more gay women. I have had bad relationships with some members and recently have gotten myself into a bigger mess.

I have gotten myself involved with a woman who is 15 years older than me, already has a girl friend of 6 years and who is borderline, has experienced an episode of psychosis, is also bi polar. Clearly, she has many problems to be dealing with. According to her, I am a product of her mania as she was being 'promiscuous' and 'reckless'. Although she says that this time around it was much more milder she doesn't feel the need to see her therapist. In the meantime, her girl friend discovered the affair and of course asked her to call it off. Now here is the problem. We have both fallen for each other badly. I know I have and I sometimes doubt and mistrust what she says to me because she is borderline and has cheated on her gf several times in the past. She tells me the only difference this time around is that she thinks she is falling for me. The little time that I have spent with her we've been extremely comfortable with each other and I have developed genuine feelings of affection for her. I can't say I can't live without her but I have been miserable for the last couple of days we have not been in contact. I myself am afraid of having several behavioural disorders... I don't even understand why I'm getting myself involved in such a relationship...
Her gf has finally given up and told her she has fallen out of love. Even if this is true and not emotional blackmail, I feel severely guilty and can't stop thinking about what must be going on with her gf. She must be devastated. At the same time, I know I can truly love this person. It has barely been a month though and I feel I am being hasty. She is borderline and bound to hurt me like she has hurt her gf and I don't know if I'm ready for that kind of a rollercoaster ride. I am confused and do not know what to do.
She refuses to make a decision and insists I'll get bored of her or get hurt and eventually 'break up with her her'. I know she is being severely honest and it scares me that she is capable of all these things.But I also know she is sick and falters every time she has an episode of mania. But does having a disorder justify this kind of recklessness? I don't know if I should trust her. Does being borderline or bi-polar mean that one is not in conrol of their emotions at all? That they are exempt from taking responsibility for their actions? I am very scared of being hurt myself yet every time we have this discussion, I am convinced that we ca nbe happy together. However, with her gf recently deciding to break up with her, I am afraid she will see me differently - possibly as a manifestation of her guilt and it will extinguish whatever little chance we have of being happy together. I fear for her sanity as well as mine...
I can't discuss this with anyone as being gay is a taboo in pakistan and my straight friends are too homophobic to give me unbiased advice.

Please help!!!




Answers


bella
1887 days ago
I'm surprised there's a support group for gays in Pakistan - times are changing. I think that you'll be headed for alot of heartbreak if you stay with this woman. To answer your question is your lover responsible for her actions when she is the manic stages of bipolar or pychotic stages of borderline - I can't make a broad statement because every case is different and it depends how well they are responding to their meds. If they're not well controlled with meds then they will find it hard to control their urges when they're in the manic stage.

Affairs are exciting for those involved and most of the attraction is due to the forbidden nature of the relationship - meaning if the forbidden lover becomes an actual permanent partner(no longer forbidden) then the excitement may fade. I think if you stay with her you will be setting yourself up for a rollercoaster of emotions and she'll stray on you as well. I don't think you can rely on feeling that she loves you so much that she'll remain loyal to you.

You also mentioned that you go from one relationship to another without breaks - why do you think this is happening? Whenever a relationships ends the person should always take a break and analyze where the relationship went wrong. A person should be able to be content with themselves and not always feel compelled to be in a realtionship.

It would be much easier to find a woman who wants a monogamous relationship. Before you do that - I would recommend for you to find out why so many of your relationships fail - I'm not saying it's your fault - it may be partially your fault and also your selection of partners needs evaluating. Are you choosing partners who are bad for you? I think this relationship will just bring you heartache. That's my honest opinion. Bella



PAmom
1887 days ago
So, your question begs the following question from me, are you seeking justification for this affair? Having asked that, I know having someone you can feel intimacy with is a wonderful feeling, especially if you have been out of a relationship for a while. I don't speak to this in your initial comments. I question her telling you that you are a "product of her mania." What an odd thing to say, but then I am not bi-polar. How do you know that you "have both fallen for each other badly. Even if this is true and not emotional blackmail." Or is this just the newness of the relationship speaking. No one wants to admit that a new relationship will not work out, but at the same time you MUST protect yourself on an emotional level. You said, "I don't even understand why I'm getting myself involved in such a relationship." Are you sure you don't know why you are getting yourself into this? Ask yourself, what is it about this person that attracts me to her? Is it the way she treats me? Is it the way she has treated her gf while having prior affairs while in that relationship? Do I want to be treated the same way down the road? WHY does she continue to avoid commitment and have affairs outside of a relationship? Being 15 yrs younger for her, are you just a conquest...another notch on her bedpost?

Okay, she has a history of affairs and "she tells me the only difference this time around is that she thinks she is falling for me." "The only difference," oh my goodness. Personally, I don't hear an “only difference” here, but a justification for when she decides to end your relationship with her…and I told you so! When will she know, next month, next year? You said, "She refuses to make a decision and insists I'll get bored of her or get hurt and eventually 'break up with her her'." Is it you she fears, or is it that she is setting you up so that she can justify breaking it off with you at some point. Or, it she telling you somewhat outright that this is not going to work for the two of you and she doesn’t want to be the one to say this is the end? What does she want from you and are you ready to give her whatever it is she is seeking? Although, from her relationship history, it sounds like she may never know what she wants…without some intense therapy.

As it is said, if you have to ask the question, you probably already know the answer..."She is borderline and bound to hurt me like she has hurt her gf and I don't know if I'm ready for that kind of a rollercoaster ride." I am not sure what you mean by "borderline." I can’t tell you what to do about your situation, but I hope I may have provided you with some soul-searching questions. You are very young and have so many years ahead of you and a great, friendship based relationship that can develop into a love bound relationship will come your way at some point. I would hate to see you become damaged by someone with a history being unable to commit to anyone person. Only you can make the decision about what to do, but it WILL take some soul-searching on your part. I would suggest taking a week, two weeks to consider your next step. A week or two without her being in your daily life…cold turkey, as it is said. I am very sure she has a painful past that colors the way she handles relationships and only you can answer the questions you have presented to yourself as to how and what to do.



PAmom
1887 days ago
oops...double post



spinelessublime
1886 days ago
Wow, thank you for your comments bella and PAmom. I think I probably was seeking some kind of a justification or a nod of approval. Given me plenty to think about..some time off from her should help clear my head.

"Affairs are exciting for those involved and most of the attraction is due to the forbidden nature of the relationship - meaning if the forbidden lover becomes an actual permanent partner(no longer forbidden) then the excitement may fade."

Could very well be true in my case...

"You are very young and have so many years ahead of you and a great, friendship based relationship that can develop into a love bound relationship will come your way at some point. I would hate to see you become damaged by someone with a history being unable to commit to anyone person. "

I really appreciate that PAmom =)



PAmom
1885 days ago
You are welcome. I hope you do take some time away from the relationship for time to reflect on some of the questions I provided.



spinelessublime
1886 days ago
Oh and one more thing, yes bella, it is quite surprising to hear a support group for gays in Pakistan. Unfortunately the group has succumbed to a lot of pressure from the members itself. It's dysfunctional at the moment and we haven't been meeting on a regular basis. There is too much mistrust, skepticism and a lot of bitter interpersonal relationships that are keeping the group from actually functioning as a support system. Some members of the group however have bee nable to form an activist organization. You can check it out at http://opprsm.org/ =)

I think also, the biggest fear here in gay women is not being able to find a partner, let alone a suitable partner. Hence, they throw themselves at whatever given opportunity, trying to make bad relationships work out of complete fear of being abandoned. It sounds like emotional suicide but that need for longing and intimacy might have reached disproportionate levels. It's bad enough our families, society, and even religious scholars choose to consider it a sin + taboo. There is a sense of urgent haste and despair for various reasons. I might be suffering from the same insecurities...

This is the first time I'm posting anything online for advice. I wasn't expecting any responses, let alone intelligent advice. Thank you, once again.



bella
1886 days ago
Thank you for your reply - I understand totally what you said about how it's difficult to find a good partner because you can't be open and be selective like here in N. America. It's like going to the grocery store and you really want cherries but most of them are bad so you pick the best of the bad. I also understand about the support group. For now I advice you to take a break from this woman and just concentrate on forming good friendships and forget about sex for a while - I hope you don't take this wrong but there's always self pleasure - right. Look for women who have good morals and good self esteem, then if it turns sexual, you have a better chance of having a loving respectful relationship forming. Truly it better to be alone than being in a unstable relationship. Best of luck. Bella



Clyde
1876 days ago
It does sound indeed like you are trying to affirm the relationship.

If she cheats on her gf (not you, but the other), what says she wouldnt with you with someone else?

Of course you dont want to end the relationship, it is making you feel good, but you have to realize there is a lot of bad in it too.

And you seem like you could find someone else at the drop of a hat.

Best,

Clyde



vampykitty
857 days ago
Im a lesbian n i just found out i might have borderline, schizoid, and schizotypal and sleeping problems i hope i don't act like that when I'm older... no offense.