I am 23 and not quite sure of how to label myself sexually. However, recently I have been jumping from one relationship to another without taking any time off in between. I recently joined a 'support group' and became acquainted to many more gay women. I have had bad relationships with some members and recently have gotten myself into a bigger mess.
I have gotten myself involved with a woman who is 15 years older than me, already has a girl friend of 6 years and who is borderline, has experienced an episode of psychosis, is also bi polar. Clearly, she has many problems to be dealing with. According to her, I am a product of her mania as she was being 'promiscuous' and 'reckless'. Although she says that this time around it was much more milder she doesn't feel the need to see her therapist. In the meantime, her girl friend discovered the affair and of course asked her to call it off. Now here is the problem. We have both fallen for each other badly. I know I have and I sometimes doubt and mistrust what she says to me because she is borderline and has cheated on her gf several times in the past. She tells me the only difference this time around is that she thinks she is falling for me. The little time that I have spent with her we've been extremely comfortable with each other and I have developed genuine feelings of affection for her. I can't say I can't live without her but I have been miserable for the last couple of days we have not been in contact. I myself am afraid of having several behavioural disorders... I don't even understand why I'm getting myself involved in such a relationship...
Her gf has finally given up and told her she has fallen out of love. Even if this is true and not emotional blackmail, I feel severely guilty and can't stop thinking about what must be going on with her gf. She must be devastated. At the same time, I know I can truly love this person. It has barely been a month though and I feel I am being hasty. She is borderline and bound to hurt me like she has hurt her gf and I don't know if I'm ready for that kind of a rollercoaster ride. I am confused and do not know what to do.
She refuses to make a decision and insists I'll get bored of her or get hurt and eventually 'break up with her her'. I know she is being severely honest and it scares me that she is capable of all these things.But I also know she is sick and falters every time she has an episode of mania. But does having a disorder justify this kind of recklessness? I don't know if I should trust her. Does being borderline or bi-polar mean that one is not in conrol of their emotions at all? That they are exempt from taking responsibility for their actions? I am very scared of being hurt myself yet every time we have this discussion, I am convinced that we ca nbe happy together. However, with her gf recently deciding to break up with her, I am afraid she will see me differently - possibly as a manifestation of her guilt and it will extinguish whatever little chance we have of being happy together. I fear for her sanity as well as mine...
I can't discuss this with anyone as being gay is a taboo in pakistan and my straight friends are too homophobic to give me unbiased advice.
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