Avatar Posted by kinkerton 1402 days ago (Question)
I recently just got married. I am afraid I made a huge mistake. We had been dating for several years and about a year into the relationship we began having more frequent fights. I grew up in a family of four boys and we never talked about our feelings, however she grew up in a family of four girls and always talked about their feelings. I am trying to be more verbal for her, but its just not who I am. So, we often get into fights that include me not taking initiative in conversations or how I do not "acknowledge" her feelings. Even when I listen to her and converse with her, I occasionally get the "your not acknowledging my feelings" line. I admit that I am not good at the emotions and feelings thing.

Here is my problem... I feel like whenever there is a problem it is always my fault. To her... it is. I never argue or complain about her faults or things she does. I have recently become more defensive though and we argue a lot. The arguements usually end when I give up and just start stonewalling her. It's always my fault. Every arguement we have lately is always because she is unhappy with what I am doing or have done in the past 30 minutes. An arguement never starts with me complaining about her. I just don't like to argue.

I dunno what to do. I don't like talking about my feelings and I'm a private kinda guy. I bottle things up (which I know is bad for me). I am probably passive-aggressive too (which I know and recognize as a problem for any relationship). I have tried to work on my faults, but with the amount of critizim and expectations I get from her... it just drives me crazy and I wind up doing stupid things like trying to run away from her and trying to do something else to get my mind off the problem. I value my alone time and when things get hot, I tend to gravitate towards being alone. I feel that I need to cool off and just come back to the problem later with a cool head. However, my wife does not let me cool off or leave me alone. So, it escalates into a yelling match and then she starts to invade my bubble of comfort. I understand that this is not physical abuse, but when I leave the room... I leave to get away from her. It doesn't work when she follows me and keeps talking to me.

I am not proud to say that I have slapped her hands away from me and pushed her away from me in order to get my space. She yells abuse and I know its wrong for me to hurt her in any way, but she won't leave me alone for a minute until I go that far. She never lays the first hand... its me, i admit, but by the time that comes... i have been verbally assaulted by her critizim and manipulation for the past hour or so. Its a build up... I never have out-right hit her. The worst I have done is grab her and push her away.

I feel like I can't handle being around her. I have dated plenty of women before and never had this problem. I have never once touched or hurt any other woman before. I am ashamed at myself for being this weak, but on the other hand I have never been so angry at a girl to go this far.

We recently just got married and I feel like it was a big mistake. I don't know what to do, and I am afraid that if I stay with her I will come to resent her, hurt her, or be arrested for domestic violence.

I don't know how to describe my problem any further than this. If anyone has any feedback, I would appreciate it.


Answers


bella
1401 days ago
I think it's brave of you to admit it's wrong for getting physical in the fights. I think you need to search within yourself to determine if you truly want to be in this marriage or not. If you still have hope, you both must get into marriage counselling together.

If you both want to work on the marriage, it needs to be a mutual effort. You both need to learn how to fight fairly. You seem to be on the right track in knowing what your flaws are - not expressing your feelings, passive/aggressivness and wanting to flee from your problems rather than solve them. Your wife is the opposite and is more aggressive and wants things solved immediately. It's imperative you both learn how to fight fairly and how to set personal boundaries you each respect. If both of you don't do this, it will be one battle ground after another.

Until you decide if marriage counselling is possible, it's important you both sit down and understand when things get hot, you both need to take a break and cool down - things can't be solved in anger. She needs to agree, she will leave you alone until you both can speak calmly. I hope everything works out for you. Bella
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Edahn
1401 days ago
In a relationship, you have to be aware of your issues as well as the other person's issues. You also have to be responsible about your issues and not let your pain and fear trample all the good things. In my opinion, you don't need to have a full psychological understanding, you just need to be open and able to identify when you're responding from anger and fear.

Neither of you are there. If you want to get there, it sounds to me like you'll need help from a counselor. I suggest you decide if this is worth saving or better to let go. You definitely don't want to have kids until you're communicating better.

Sometimes people make mistakes. It's okay if you did.

Edit: bella said it all much better than I did.
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bella
1401 days ago
^^^^

You're too kind - most of the time you're the one who says it better! :D
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PapaMcCain
1401 days ago
This worked for me many years ago. I had a small cassette recorder and taped the barrage as it happened. Later when she was in a calmer, happier mood I sat down and talked about what I saw as constant attack. When she started to protest I asked her to listen to herself and played the tape back. She paled because she hadn't realized how vitriolic she had been. She did a total transformation. Now when I'm wrong she points it out politely :) Seriously, we have discussions that go "When you ______ I feel _____" understanding that feelings are 100% legitimate and valid for the person feeling them. Once that statement is made, the receiver says, "I am hearing that when I ______ you feel ________" rephrasing it so the person knows you understand. And yes, we learned this method in couple's communications class which is something the two of you really need to get into.
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bella
1400 days ago
^^^^^^

Very good advice PapaMcCain :)
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katwoman
1397 days ago
PapaMcCain above has a great idea! Perhaps tossing in the idea for couple's counciling wouldn't be so bad either. To be honest, it sounds like she has some serious anger issues. To push you to the point that you have felt you need to push her is ridiculous, and I give you credit for maintaining as well as you have. I also give you credit for wanting to work on your marriage, even though it's making you so deeply unhappy. If she is not willing to work with you, well, leave! Life is much too short to be miserable.
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holysmokes
1396 days ago
When I read your story, I was amazed. For the most part, it is a description of me and my marriage. I too grew up in a house with 3 brothers, no sisters. It seemed that issues came up and were quickly resolved with a short brawl, if neccessary. My wife is much more in touch with her feelings. While she does not follow me around the house barking at me, I do it to her. I recently discovered why I did that to her: I can't stand for her to be mad at me. I have no idea why it bothers me so much, but I want to "resolve" the issue. I could not stand for the issue to be out there, knowing that she might be mad at me. So, perhaps she carries this baggage as well? It might help if you tell her you will resolve the issue with her shortly and that you need some time/space to be alone and calm down. I think she may feel you will never resolve the issue if you "get away". Just let her know resolution is important to you as well. And, stay away from marriage couseling. If often does more harm than good. I can recommend individual couseling. And, always remeber that you have no right to harm another person no matter how angry or upset you are. You make your own feelings and your [re-]actions are all yours. Run out of the house screaming if you need to. It may help if you think about the consequences of your actions before acting on them.
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leilani88
1394 days ago
This reminds me of how me and my ex-boyfriend used to fight. I could never let him go and cool off. I would be so upset that would follow him around and force him to talk to me. He also would say that he had a hard time expressing his feelings and would rather be alone sometimes.

PapaMcCain's suggestion was really good.

I'll just let you know what I always wished would happen when my bf and I would get in these fights. Instead of running away, I always wished he would just say in a nice calm voice,"Can we talk about (what it is) later? I'm sorry that you are upset but I would like (amount of time) to myself." It would drive me nuts when I would say,"When can we talk about this?" and he would say,"when I feel like it." I always needed specifics.

I think even though you are a private person, you should step out of your comfort zone and really try to share your feelings with your wife during a calm time.

I know this isn't all your fault but I'm trying to give you the female point of view. You should just like my ex-bf.

If you want something to be different, be honest and calm. Just ask.

I hope that helps.
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oztrain
1391 days ago
I hope that you are still checking this posting. I read this and felt like I was listening to my son all over again. I need to add a few disclaimers before I begin. I 100% believe in marriage and all avenues should be exhausted before throwing in the towel. Domestic violence is something that should never be tolerated by any society for any reason. That being said, If you love your wife and yourself and really want to make a go of this marriage, then both of you need to get counseling, both separately and together, if this is not an option for one or both then if you love her and more importantly your self get out now! I dont know what state you live in but in California you are already by your own admission guilty of domestic violence. Unfortunately you are also a victem of domestic violence, but one that will never be heard. God forbid you have a child in this wholly unhealthy relationship. There is the true victem. When I mentioned my son, yes he was and still is victimized, by gender-biased society. That bias starts at very young ages. In family law court, any person yelling throwing, threatening, or causing fear is under the law Domestic Violence. However the courts, law enforcement DV shelters do not accept that men can and are victems. I retired from law enforcement dispatch I cant tell you how many times I sat on a recorded phone line and listened to a female physically assaulting her husband or boyfriend and he was arrested or parties separated only, as she didnt have any marks on her or he being the man wouldnt press any charges, cause well you know it didnt hurt. Having a criminal record hurts and never goes away.

Walking away from the confrontation was what i was taught and I taught to my son, with him, like you that didnt work. I have a grandson who lives with me who has been taught the same thing. This being a child who already has behavioral issues, but tries very hard to control his anger and lashing out. I cite an instance. He and some others playing a game at school, something happened that hurt his feelings and he became very angry (he's 6), got up from the group and walked away. A little girl got up followed him grabbing his arm demanding he stop and tell her what was wrong so she could help him, he jerked away and again walked away this happened three times after the third time he jerked away and she came for him again he picked up a rock and threw it hitting her. He was punished by the school and that punishment was support by his mother and myself. However no one believed that the little girl had done anything wrong. When we took it the principal, who knows our family he finally caught on to some degree. I praised that child for trying to do the right thing by trying walking away and not lashing, and explained why he still was in trouble for throwing the rock. The teachers still feel that she did nothing wrong it was conflict resolution. Its not conflict resolution, it is harrassment, it is assault by grabbing and attempting to detain, it is forcing ones own opinion and belief onto someone else. This is a conditioning that is taught very early in life, and while all the domestic violence laws have been long over due, society has to come to terms that men are as much a victem as women, and women need to be held accountable for there actions just as much. You sir have made a very good start in acknowledging your faults and wanting to do something to change them, but unless she see's her part and honestly tries to change her flaws you are leaving your self open for alot of heart break and legal and financial devastation. Should there be a child involved the emotional and devastation to them will be life long. I truly hope that you and your wife can work through this, but both of you have to give ground and control for it ever to work
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Clyde
1388 days ago
I think the counseling idea is a very good thing as well.

Best,

Clyde
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