Avatar Posted by MiserableAngel 247 days ago (Question)
For some time now I have been experiencing something that I would explain as severe anxiety before sex. I am a 28 year old female and in a committed relationship and we have been together for @ 2 years now. It's hard to explain how I feel in the evenings and it does happen the majority of the time....but I will get extremely anxious a few hours before we go to bed. I almost fear the idea of having sex. I already have general anxiety and panic attacks but this makes it so much worse. I know it can't be normal to fear being intimate with the person I love so much! And I don't have much of a sex drive at all. Right now, it would be okay with me if we didn't have sex at all. Why would I feel that way?

I'm too embarrassed to talk with friends about it. I have so many medical problems that I can't get answers to. I have been sick and seeing doctors frequently for years now. I take pain and anxiety medication. Just last month I did speak to my primary care doctor about being depressed and I thought that an anti-depressant would help with how I feel about everything including how I feel regarding sex. He has prescribed me Pristiq but I haven't started it yet. I will be starting it as soon as my pharmacy gets it in.

I just thought that sending my question/problem out into the world might make me feel a little better and maybe I could get some feedback. I feel alone. Is there anyone who feels at all like I do? Am I the only one who dreads going to bed and being intimate with their significant other? Thank you for any help and feedback.


Answers

Written by Edahn 246 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Sex is a complicated activity that has a lot of payoff. If you focus on the payoff aspect and enjoy the process, it's fun. If you focus on all the thing you have to do, you can get overwhelmed and forget that the activity is supposed to be enjoyment, not a chore.

The whole thing is further complicated once you have a few bad experiences that give you anxiety, because then not only are you focusing on the "chore" aspect of sex, but you're also focusing on your anxiety and how to avoid it.

A. The way out of this is to first accept that you're probably going to keep getting anxious for a while, say a few months. That anxiety will go up and down, but to some degree it'll be there. That doesn't, however, mean that you have to get "stuck" in every time you experience it. You can experience it and still find a way to connect to yourself and experience some of the benefits (payoff) side of sex. So, you accept that you're going to be a little anxious for the next few months.

B. Next, take a second to consider how your response isn't really that abnormal. Lots of people have issues with sex, and because it can be technically demanding, it makes sense that a person would get anxious about it, and anxious about anxiety. There's no shame involved. See if you can find some humor in the situation. It will help you go a long way. You could just call yourself a "weirdo" and give a little, charming smile. (I don't think it's that weird, but thinking of it that way can relieve some tension.)

C. By now you might feel just a tiny bit better. The next thing to do is give yourself permission to be anxious about the whole thing. It's kind funny and quirky, remember? You freak out before a little, and you freak out DURING, but that's all okay in this stage. There's no penalty, and you're not going to get down on yourself for it. Whatever it is you're feeling is FINE. Just roll WITH IT, rather than against it, and find one thing you can enjoy -- maybe your husband's touch, or his arms, or kissing, or embracing, whatever. Whatever feelings come up -- sadness, joy, pleasure -- they're okay and allowed to be there. There's nothing wrong or abnormal.

Contemplate A and B for the next few days, and practice C for the next 3 weeks. I am betting that after you practice it for a bit (while making sure you're VERY patient with your progress -- this is important!) you'll figure out where to go from there.

You could always enlist the help of a sex therapist or psychologist if you need a little more advice. Don't feel ashamed! I think it's great that you have the courage to be honest with your feelings rather than just trying to push them away and pretend they're not there. :)

Written by Loner 245 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Sex is meant to be FUN . Talk to your partner and tell him how you feel but reassure him that yes indeed you do love him to bits and its not what he does to that makes you anxious.Edahn is right in what he says.laughter truly is the best medicine as you know. Sex is hot sweaty messy stuff but man the benefits are suburb.

Written by Clyde 242 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

It is true that you may be focusing on it too much that you are not able to enjoy it. Can you find a way to lead up to the act, by teasing and flirting and the like?

Best,

Clyde


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