My boyfriend and I dated for about a year and a half. He doesn't like to socialize with people and told me that he only wanted to be friends. We loved each other dearly and I wanted commitment so I broke up with him. I started dating someone else which didn't work out either. My ex boyfriend came back to my life saying that he wanted to work on us. He always loved me but never told me so he wanted to try again but no promises. We have been dating each other for 4 months and everything was fine until I asked him to come over for Christmas at my sister's house and celebrate the New Year's Eve with my friends. He told me he doesn't like group settings and that I can go but he won't change. This is the way he has always been for the past 47 years of his life and he won't do it now. I told him that it would mean a lot to me if he did that and he said that I need to look for someone else then. He is so anti social. I love him a lot but know I can't live my life with an anti social like that. Do you think there is any hope? He is a wonderful person who is very responsible, down to earth, cares for his parents and never does anything wrong. But when it comes to group settings, he is just so selfish that he doesn't care if it's important to me. What kind of advice would you give me?


Answers


surf282
1786 days ago
Hello,

I think 47 years connotates that this is a trait that's settled in him. I guess when we call a person anti-social we immediately take it as an incredibly distasteful trait- but I'm sure he's not anti-social in the sense that he has a kind of hate or aggression toward people or society- you said he's generous and caring so I think he may just be that kind of guy who likes to be alone. I think talking it over with him would be best- the fact that he came back shows that he cares for you deeply so a talk on give and take would be best. You should ask him what his reasons are for wanting to be alone- is it that he can't find anyone to share his interests with or something else-

i wish you the very best- a direct talk would be good. You've been together for almost two years and commitment is important for you therefore you should determine if it is for him and be honest- if it's an honest aspect of his personality then commitment becomes a more important issue.

best.



bella
1785 days ago
The only way he will ever change, is if he wants to and he would need the help of a behavior therapist to re-condition his behavior. Have a nice talk and ask him if he would be willing to change or learn how to tolerate social settings. Find out the root cause of his anti social behavior - is it that he feels extreme anxiety?? He may not want to change and you have to decide if you can live like this or find someone else. Best of luck.



idk y
1785 days ago
I would have to say don't force anything on him. However, if youw ant him to do things like that with you, start off small. Like have you two and one friend eat dinner or something, but don't start off with something too big. Also, do what the otehr two said. Talk it over with him. If you can find out why he is so antisocial it may be easier to find a meeting place int eh middle. But besides that I still have to say to be slow with him and dont force himt o do anything he really doesnt want to.



AngelLike
1782 days ago
Thank you all so much for your input. I have decided to take it slow with him. I had a talk with him. He says, he has always been like that since childhood who likes to do things on his own. He is not possessive so he doesn't want me to stop having fun but he doesn't know why he is a loner. He spends a lot of time with me but not with family and friends. He said there is no way he would go to a therapist since they only listen to you and don't tell you what you don't know and they can't change you. He is very stubborn but like I said, he gives me full attention just doesn't like socializing. It gets frustrating for me that he wouldn't do things with me with friends but I suppose i can't change him after 47 years. Either I take him the way he is or let him go and feel bad. Thank you all. I hope God somehow instills in him that there is more to life than just me. :)