Hello, I am a 20 year old gay male. I have always had feelings about being gay since I was in grade school (ages 7-9), and it was not until I reached high school (age 14), that I finally accepted my sexuality, and came out. Since then, I have always been okay with being gay, and have always helped other people cope with their sexual orientation, and been very involved with the LGBT. I have had many relationships with guys, and have been sexually active since I was a teenager, and always enjoyed it.
However, this past May- so around six months ago, I went through a very bitter break up with my boyfriend of almost two years. We lived together, and shared our whole lives, and I was very much in love with him. I found out, after our break up, that he had cheated on me several times, and had involved himself with multiple guys briefly after we separated. I did not take this well, because I felt the way he left me, and the fact that he was semi abusive in our relationship, was just not right. It is needless to say, that I never fully coped with our break up. I was involved with a two guys within a 4 month period of our break up- however, it was never sexual, and it did not last more than a month. Last week, I met a guy from a dating website- and we ended up meeting, and one thing led to another, and we had sex. It was the first sexual encounter I have had since my ex boyfriend, more than six months ago. I enjoyed it the whole time, and had no problems performing. However, when I left his house, I just felt like things were awkward between this guy, and I because I could not keep a conversation the time I was talking to him, and I feel he resorted to having sex with me, because that was his whole plan. I left his house feeling wrong, and depressed. I can not explain why- I just felt like something was not right. Since that next day, I have just felt really down, and more or less unsure about myself. I do not find any interest in men- not sexual, and barely emotional. I thought I was turning straight, but I do not really have any feelings for women either- but I get paranoid that I might be turning straight, and then anxiously think I am getting attracted to women, but I am not. I have always wanted to meet a guy, and just fall in love, and have a great life with someone who really cares for me. I still think about the emotional feeling with a guy, and I still want it- but something just mentally blocks me, and I get so frustrated and overwhelmed. I have thought about myself with a woman, and it just doesn't feel right. I am also jobless, and living at my parents- I have nothing to do with my time, and that just adds to the stress. I feel this weight on my chest, and I have no sexual urge or desires.. I barely can look at a good looking guy, and feel attracted. There are times, where I think of myself being held, and having emotional interaction with a guy, and that spark, and excitement comes back, but it is very quick- and then I go back to feeling down, and unsure, and anxious. Could this be depression? Or asexuality? Am I just overwhelmed, and it has caused my sex drive to decrease, and adds to my paranoia, and anxiety of being straight, or bisexual. I do not know what to do, I am so upset by this. I have always been proud, and confident with who I am, and I feel like I do not even have that to rely on anymore. Any advice, or personal experiences would be appreciated. I am desperate. Thank you.
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