Avatar Posted by dj1992 192 days ago (Question)
Hello, I am a 20 year old gay male. I have always had feelings about being gay since I was in grade school (ages 7-9), and it was not until I reached high school (age 14), that I finally accepted my sexuality, and came out. Since then, I have always been okay with being gay, and have always helped other people cope with their sexual orientation, and been very involved with the LGBT. I have had many relationships with guys, and have been sexually active since I was a teenager, and always enjoyed it.
However, this past May- so around six months ago, I went through a very bitter break up with my boyfriend of almost two years. We lived together, and shared our whole lives, and I was very much in love with him. I found out, after our break up, that he had cheated on me several times, and had involved himself with multiple guys briefly after we separated. I did not take this well, because I felt the way he left me, and the fact that he was semi abusive in our relationship, was just not right. It is needless to say, that I never fully coped with our break up. I was involved with a two guys within a 4 month period of our break up- however, it was never sexual, and it did not last more than a month. Last week, I met a guy from a dating website- and we ended up meeting, and one thing led to another, and we had sex. It was the first sexual encounter I have had since my ex boyfriend, more than six months ago. I enjoyed it the whole time, and had no problems performing. However, when I left his house, I just felt like things were awkward between this guy, and I because I could not keep a conversation the time I was talking to him, and I feel he resorted to having sex with me, because that was his whole plan. I left his house feeling wrong, and depressed. I can not explain why- I just felt like something was not right. Since that next day, I have just felt really down, and more or less unsure about myself. I do not find any interest in men- not sexual, and barely emotional. I thought I was turning straight, but I do not really have any feelings for women either- but I get paranoid that I might be turning straight, and then anxiously think I am getting attracted to women, but I am not. I have always wanted to meet a guy, and just fall in love, and have a great life with someone who really cares for me. I still think about the emotional feeling with a guy, and I still want it- but something just mentally blocks me, and I get so frustrated and overwhelmed. I have thought about myself with a woman, and it just doesn't feel right. I am also jobless, and living at my parents- I have nothing to do with my time, and that just adds to the stress. I feel this weight on my chest, and I have no sexual urge or desires.. I barely can look at a good looking guy, and feel attracted. There are times, where I think of myself being held, and having emotional interaction with a guy, and that spark, and excitement comes back, but it is very quick- and then I go back to feeling down, and unsure, and anxious. Could this be depression? Or asexuality? Am I just overwhelmed, and it has caused my sex drive to decrease, and adds to my paranoia, and anxiety of being straight, or bisexual. I do not know what to do, I am so upset by this. I have always been proud, and confident with who I am, and I feel like I do not even have that to rely on anymore. Any advice, or personal experiences would be appreciated. I am desperate. Thank you.


Answers


bella
192 days ago
Hi gj992 - I'm sorry you're struggling and suffered a bad breakup. Naturally we can't diagnose anyone but it sounds like you're grieving the lost relationship and possibly feeling depressed. Do you have medical coverage to see a therapist?? If you do want a therapist, pick one who understands a gay person.

Sometimes we get heterosexual men, who fear they might be gay - so you could be experiencing the opposite. Its just the anxiety that makes you doubt your sexuality. All these grieving feelings, can definitely affect your libido, so try not to think its because you're turning heterosexual.

Regarding your recent experience with the new man - you're the kind of man who needs to have an emotional connection along with the sexual, to feel fulfilled - that's a wonderful quality. This is why you felt sad after you left his house. You don't want to have random sex. You're also probably very hurt, your previous partner had other relationships. I think you need time to work through these feelings and if you don't feel better soon please speak with your family doctor. I highly doubt you're turning straight. You can also join our forum section by clicking on Community - we have an LGTBQ social group there. I hope you feel better soon.
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