I'm recently divorced with kids & he's never been married, no kids. He's the first man I had been with since my 17 year marriage.
My boyfriend & I were in a serious loving long distance relationship for a year. We had a couple conversations about me moving to his area around our year anniversary. He seemed fine with the idea & wanted to talk to his therapist to see how he can manage the lifestyle change. Within a week after those conversations, he distanced himself from me to the point where he didn't call, he didn't text, and he didn't respond to my attempts at reaching him. That went on for a solid week. When I finally do talk to him on the phone & ask what is going on with us, he says he doesn't know what we are. I continued for 2 more weeks to get him to talk with me but he didn't respond. I finally sent him an email telling him I can't handle this & that I was moving on. No response to that either. He claims later on he never read that email. I was so confused, so heart broken and I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. I really felt my ex was done with me. He gave me no hope of getting back together.(I later found out out the pressure of me moving there made him back off) I tried dating a guy a couple weeks later & I slept with him. My ex finds out I was dating and i tell him how far it went to try to hurt him. His reaction made me realize he still cared. I stopped seeing the other guy (it lasted a couple of weeks) to do whatever I could to start our relationship back up but it failed. We fought like crazy then stopped talking for a few months only to fight in between a few times about what i did with the other guy and what he admitted to doing after what I did and that was he slept with an ex girlfriend and had a few one night stands. we hadn't seen each other since our year anniversary and by now 3 months have passed, we start talking & we get back together. I could tell he wasn't into it 100%. He breaks up with me a month later to find out he wasn't over the fact that I could sleep with another man so soon after our breakup. Another month goes by and he contacts me and we start up again, this time things are progressing faster than before, it's very loving and solid. 6 months later I ask him to delete another woman that made me feel uncomfortable off of his social network page. this was someone I found out he was wanting to meet while we were together that first year, right before he broke up with me the first time. He gets mad that i ask him, does it anyway, doesn't talk to me for 2 days, things flow right back to normal and then 2 weeks later he tells me he's depressed, he's really upset that he didn't do anything wrong and why should he have to shut off his life by deleting her to make me feel comfortable when I was capable of sleeping with another man so soon after our breakup. he said that I slept with someone, but he did't sleep with her. He again breaks up with me saying he never fully got over me being with another man. that i slept with him, that i rubbed it in his face, and what hurt him the most was that he said i was looking for a long term relationship with the other guy so soon after we broke up. that i'm just looking to be in a relationship, any man would do. No matter how much i told him i loved him, he just saw himself as "just a man, just a relationship" he couldn't be further from the truth. He said my story didn't add up, that we were still talking and that as long as we were talking there was still hope. (If only that were the truth I never would have pondered dating!! i would have jumped at the chance to work things out with him!!) His timeline is really backwards on this one and nothing I say or have done is making him see how much i love him. all of the time from work to fly to see him, the money I scrape to go, the attention I give him, my loyalty. he says he's been depressed and now he knows why, he's been repressing his anger over me being with this other man and that me doing that took that special part of our relationship he thought we had away. that he never had that feeling of us not feeling special go away. he said he knows i love him and he will always love me and wished me happiness in life and said goodbye. i am devastated as i love him so much and told him then and now how sorry i am for hurting him and reminded him we were broken up and that it was a mistake that i was with that other man. It's only been a few days since he broke up with me and i feel like I've tried everything to get him to see how much he means to me and that he's not just someone to just be in a relationship with. Afterall, why would I travel to be in just any relationship. I can do that locally! I even offered couples counseling and that is where i am left at. No response from him on that message yet. What will help him get over me moving on after our break up? What should I do to not make things worse as I want us to be together.


Answers


bella
1254 days ago
Hi cinnamon - this is a very complicated situation. From what I can see, there's a failure to communicate clearly, mostly on his part. I will say it wasn't good to intentionally tell him in a hurtful way about the other guy. The important thing is - he also slept with an ex GF and had a couple one night stands and that's worse than what you did.

This is what I think happened - first of all I think your BF has depression problems which aren't caused by you sleeping with someone. I feel he was completely comfortable with the 'long distance relationship' but not quite ready for it to change. The fact you were divorced and ready to be closer geographically with your kids, possibly intimidated him...so he backed away. Don't take this as your fault, but rather his own problem with commitment. I don't know whether his depression made him indecisive or if he just has a 'fear of commitment'.

He can't keep rubbing the other guy in your face, since he also had sex with a few women....plus you actually thought you were broken up. Its not fair to either of you, to focus on the fact you both had sex with other people. I also don't think it's fair to make you think it's all on you to fix the relationship.

Let him know you both had sex when you broke up, therefore you're basically even. He needs to work on feeling better from the depression - he can't be 100% in touch with his feelings, if depression is messing with his emotions. He could handle the long distance relationship, but he's struggling, perhaps intimidated by the changing relationship. The key is - why did he initially back away, when he realized you might be moving closer??

In order for the relationship to get better, you both need to move past the fact you slept with other people. He needs to figure out if he can handle real commitment. You can't keep living on this rollercoaster - ask him if he wants to work it out and you need an answer. Good luck.



cinnamon
1252 days ago
Thanks Bella.

He suffers from major depression and has been off of his medication for six months due to another health problem. He works out to combat the depression. Maybe it's not enough. I've thrown everything on the table as to what i felt about his life, from cold feet, having a meltdown, running from a relationship, that this running is a pattern as well. he said he's seen some things in himself that he didn't know where there and is working it out with his therapist.

Yes, he told me he backed away the first time because he felt pressured with me moving in with him. Although it was something we talked about during his vacation, as soon as he got back home and into his comfort zone , i think that's when he realized he wasn't ready. i agree he is not communicating right by running from issues, life, change. His therapist says he doesn't do well with change. So here we are again at that moment of a deeper commitment coming to the table and this our painful past is rehashed at his doing. i did get a response about he couples counseling and all he said was...i dont know what to say. i have no answer to this. Doe's that mean he's undecisive and doesn't want to answer right now? I told him to think about it and i'll be waiting to hear what he has to say...now another 2-3 day response wait.