I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now, and we're both a few years into university. Before I met him, he used to do lots of drugs such as K and ecstasy. Although he stopped doing those in high school, he continues to only smoke pot... though he does quite a bit.

I am head over heels in love with him, and it makes it harder since I'm not one to do drugs (only on occasion). I haven't worried about his drug past because I considered it a phase; in fact I was actually kinda happy that he had already experimented with drugs so I wouldn't have to worry about him trying harder drugs now.

We had a conversation about this recently, and the fact I used the word "phase" really upset him. I told him that what he's done before has made him into the person today, the person that I love. Although it does intimidate me as I'm not one to do any of those drugs, as long as he doesn't do them again I really don't mind.

He got upset when I told him this because he thinks if I'm not happy with the fact that he used to do drugs, I can't love all parts of him. (Keep in mind he was 17 when he was doing these drugs, and now we're 20.)

I really do love him with all my heart. I know I'm not jumping off the walls happy he's done other drugs, but its a part of him who's made him who he is.

Is there any other way I can explain this to him so he will understand?


Answers


Edahn
1918 days ago
I think you did a pretty good job. With that said, the word "phase" implies that he was unsophisticated back when he was doing drugs. Perhaps you could just tell him that you understand how he would be offended by that and that feel bad that he got offended. You could try explaining one more time to him that you didn't see it as unsophisticated and that you are glad he went through it because it made him who he is. You can explain to him that you called it a phase because he is obviously not doing hard drugs anymore, and that you are glad he has moved on because doing hard drugs for a long time can lead to harder stuff and has a tendency to rob people of their spirit and joy. Then give him a hug if you sense he is open to it and ask that you guys put it behind you for good and get back into your groove. You can seal with deal with a little McLuvin (lol) or a physical activity or movie. If he brings it up again, just interrupt him, give him a kiss on the lips and a smile and say "SHHHH!!!" while putting your finger all over his mouth. Make it funny and not so serious. If you sense he really, really needs to talk, just listen and hold his hand while he talks. You don't have to say anything more than "I understand."

(Man I'm fucking good. LOL.)



wondergirl111
1917 days ago
Haha. I never thought of it as me thinking he wasn't sophisticated back then, I'm really glad you brought that up. I'll be sure to clarify that the next time it comes up :)



Fpsy
1918 days ago
From your post he is actually still doing drugs and he is smoking pot and quite a lot. If someone is using drugs regularly there is a reason why. Pot is not really the soft drug that everyone thinks it is, especially now with all the evidence to show how it is related to health problems (lung infections,cancer) and mental health problems.

What is the reason behind his regular pot use. People often say they use it to relax, but what is really going on is anxiety. If you use pot all the time to cope, then you never get the opportunity to learn other coping strategies.

Try not to make a bid deal out of him using pot, you can say you care about him and love him and want to help understand why he uses pot so much. Pressuring someone to give up only makes them more resistant. At the end of the day it will be your boyfriends choice to give up using and learn other coping mechanisms.

Then you will have to decide if his pot smoking is causing big enough problems in your relationship.

If you want to find out more about cannabis use and abuse here is a really good website.

http://ncpic.org.au/

Have a good look around at all the information. Although it is possibly located in a different country to you the information is still relevant.



Clyde
1918 days ago
You might be able to print out the information and show him the printouts.

Explain to him as you did here, and see what happens?

Best,

Clyde



Edahn
1918 days ago
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Edahn
1913 days ago
...Haters negatively rating my posts. *shakes head*

I've had some time to rethink this, but before I say anything, I wanted to ask how things are going.



bella
1917 days ago
Hi Wondergirl,

I know you're young and in love but sometimes people make the mistake of tolerating/overlooking their partners faults. I have done this and so have many others. When we're caught up in the throws of love we easily talk ourselves into believing our partner will change or we tolerate bad habits because it doesn't bug us much at first.

You admit that he uses marijauna 'quite a bit' - so my question is - if he doesn't change can you be happy with this. My concern here is how HE became defensive and actually made you feel guilty and worried about offending him because you wanted to talk about his drug use. I don't think you should be made to feel, you need to 'Tip Toe' around this issue. Fpsy made a good point that most substance abusers use, because they are basically self medicating themselves because they have underlying issues like anxiety,depression etc.

As partners become more comfortable with each other - that once tolerable bad habit becomes an big mountain of a problem, which will make you miserable. He shouldn't be making you feel like you're the bad one here, for bringing this up. I'm probably old enough to be your mom so remember this - never count on or believe that you can make someone change. Also don't let love blind you and don't settle for less than you deserve. Best of luck. Hugs, :) Bella