My boyfriend of six months, with whom I had a wonderful, close, loving relationship, suddenly stopped talking to me, and I don't know what to do.

We met finally after private messaging for three months on facebook about similar issues (ex spouses, our daughters, elderly parents, politics, travelings, etc). Neither of us ever thought we'd date anyone ever again, especially me, who'd been through hell with a man who turned out to be a bona fide psychopath after my divorce.

My boyfriend was hesitant to meet me at first, and was very, very nervous when we finally did, but we fell in love instantly and never looked back. Our daughters (all five of them) became best friends, and though we live about 1.5 hours apart, we saw each other at least twice a week at first, then at least once as the winter came. He called me a "gift from God" and "a true angel" and said that I saved him from being "a machine," which he'd been for years. I took this all as great. He said his wife was a cheater and that he had gone into autopilot after a few years to cope. It all seemed to fit with the story. His 16 year old daughter, too, said he was a different person since he met me. He was very loving, affectionate, passionate, loved my daughters and spending time with us. He had a lot of problems with his ex wife and was often angry about custody issues, but said he was "working on getting everything settled" so we could all be together.

Two weeks ago, on Sunday evening, he texted me that he was going out of town for a few days and didn't know when he would be able to contact me (he claims to do work with the govt and that he sometimes has to leave quickly and without telling me where; he had never actually left before however). I texted him immediately back, asking if he'd be home by Tuesday to go with me to the doctor, as I'd been ill and he knew i was worried that there was something seriously wrong (I'm 44 and have been having myriad issues). No response. I called and no answser. I called and texted till 2 am, just trying to find out the details, and then went to bed.

In the morning I called his dad, who he has lived with since his divorce. He is a retired physician, and I thought I'd talk to him about my symptoms to reassure me. After we chatted, he asked me if I wanted to talk to my boyfriend! I was in shock! I couldn't believe he was there, and I asked his dad if he'd been gone at all. No.

I declined to speak to him and hung up. He didn't contact me for two days, and then I called him and he was cold to me. I demanded to know why he'd told me he was leaving when he wasn't. He claimed that he had been gone when his dad said he had been there, that his dad had been mistaken. Though he was pretty distant, I was going to the doctor and he made me promise to call him when I finished to let him know what happened. That was that. The last time I spoke to him. I called to tell him about the doctor and he didn't answser or call back. Ever. I called and texted and emailed for a week with no response.

After a week, the Thursday before Easter, he answered a text and said he was sorry the week was so bad for both of us, that he'd been working and things were tough. I asked him what I could do. He said, "Just keep doing what you're doing." I asked when I could see him and he said, "Anytime." I asked what his plans were for the weekend and he said he had to see where his girls would be for Easter. I said, well you are welcome here anytime or I can come there. I never heard from him again. We planned to spend Easter together, and he knows it is a big deal to me, and I was singing at church and giving the dinner, and I asked him to please just answer me, and he would not even answer. I told him it was fine if he couldn't or didn't want to come, but just let me know he was ok. No response. Two days later, I called him in the afternoon on his cell phone and he picked it up and hung right up on me. So I called him back and left a filthy, raving message on his voicemail, telling him he was supposed to be my partner, and how dare he, and how could he do this to my children, etc. Since then, I've left others apologizing.

I asked his daughter to ask him what was wrong, as we are supposed to go on a trip together, all of us, next month. His daughter told me that he told her I'm "acting weird." I was incredulous at that, of course, and it made me so angry again. I felt once again so betrayed. She said, "I know. I'll tell him to call you." I told her, "Don't bother," which of course I am now sorry I said.

I don't know what to do at this point. Apologize again? Tell him I'm frustrated? Just leave it? Go see him? I told him I know he has depression and that was the thing that seemed to make him most angry. I can't believe this happened. He promised he would never do this to me, and all along he knew he had this problem. He listened to me talk about how my ex husband and ex boyfriend shut me out all those years, and how painful it was, and he promised over and over it would never happen. Will he ever come back? Will I ever see him again? Kiss him again? See him smile again? Why didn't he tell me he has depression? I talked to his ex wife finally, and she said he has always struggled with it and always had these episodes. Did he think it was over when he met me?

I can't beleive my best friend, my pal, my right hand man became my betrayer overnight, calling me weird, hanging up on me, and having apparently no regard for whether I'm sick or well, alive or dead, whether he's ever going to see me again, talk to me again or make love to me again, let alone marry me or spend his life with me. That he would just turn his back on my daughters, when he said he pitied anyone who would ever try to hurt them. Many "advice" sites say that when he comes out of his depression he will contact me, but I just cannot believe that this stubborn man would ever, ever contact me again. Not in a million years. He is so arrrogrant, so self righeous and proud, so vain about the "fact" that there is nothing wrong with him. No matter how much he wanted to. How do I open the door for him to do it? How do I undo what I've already done to distance him? Or should I just walk away?




Answers


bella
979 days ago
Hi - so sorry you're struggling with this confusing relationship. I would have to re-read your post again - but did you say he admits to having depression or someone told you?? Is he in treatment for this? It was smart to speak to his ex wife and she confirms he did similar to her. Since you already had a terrible unstable relationship that ended badly, I think you need to protect yourself and end this. I'd also be suspicious the way he says he works for the govern't., which makes him unavailable for several days - sounds like he just checks out emotionally.

I think you had the right to be frustrated and I don't think the main problem is your reaction to his unpredictable behavior, although leaving a swearing message isn't good. Its not your reaction that drove him away, he basically withdrew himself without any explanation. He probably figured he was caught lying when his father confirmed he was home. I think you should make it clear you're not ready for another roller coaster ride and he needs to get himself stable before entering any serious relationship. Have a coffee or lunch with his ex wife and listen to what she has to say - pay attention to the red flags. Best of luck with finding nice stable partner.



violet
979 days ago
Yes I had the same thing happen to me basically. Everything was fine and then one day he just said he was over me and goodbye. I tried to talk about it with him, after to see why, I said just one small civil talk, please, he refused. And to this day, he refuses.

I read once that Ted Bundy did the same thing to his highschool gf who dumped him years ago. He sought her out, wooed her, asked her to marry him, and when she said yes, he coldly dropped her and never spoke to her again.

So this is a tactic of abuse. And probably they are doing it when they feel insecure about their own lives and just want to have control over another person. It's sad. Sometimes I think it is a test too, to see how much you care and will try to get back with them.

Unfortuntely, we know that the answers to all these kinds of problems are always the same. You have leave him.



grandrapidsgirl
955 days ago
Just wanted to stop back and update. I ended up going to his house after not hearing from him for another week. My intention was to break up with him, which I did. He was sleeping when I got there, and when his dad went in to get him up, he had gone out the back door. He came back after awhile, saying he was angry at me because I had called his and his daughter to ask about him and "crossed so many lines." I asked if he wanted to stay together and he was very hostile and wouldn't respond. I ended up leaving and he followed me to the car and hugged me goodbye. Later, he started texting me as if we weren't broken up, and we sort of got back together, but he simply would not make plans to see me. Always had some excuse. So after another two weeks of him refusing to see me--and again, not returning calls or picking up the phone--I finally broke up with him for good. I realized that there was so much anger and resentment about his life, so much passive aggression, depression, mixed in with some kind of borderline personality disorder--I don't even care which one at this point--that I'm too old and tired to deal with it. I've gone through enough of that, and so have my kids. Thanks for your help witht his. Good luck to you guys.