My boyfriend tells me he loves me, and how a wonderful girlfriend I am. However, I was over at his house, and I checked his phone and found out that the night he said he was going to be busy at work, he hung out with some girl. He text messaged her after he called me that day, and asked her to hang out. She agreed, and I'm estimating they hung out for at least five hours because when he said he couldn't pick up his phone when I called I checked the time. When he called me back he said he was in the restroom because he didn't want his bosses to see him on the phone at work. He told me he would call me in a bit. He called me when he supposedly got home, but I'm guessing that is when she left. I don't think that the whole time she was there she knew that he text messaged me or called me. When I confronted him, he acted like a jerk and was saying things like "oh I can't have friends?" and stuff like that, and just being defensive. I started crying and was yelling at him. We fought for a bit and I told him that it's over, and he was like whatever about it. When I tried to leave he wouldn't let me, he admitted to being wrong and apologized. He said that she doesn't mean anything to him. He said it was a big mistake and nothing happened, they are just friends. I was so angry and hurt because I am always fighting with him to get time with him. I'm in such shock right now because I would have never known, and I could have not guessed that he would do something like this, and he went through all this trouble as far as lying to me, skipping work, and renting movies to watch with her. Before all this he treated me pretty well, and always said he loved me. In fact the night he hung out with her he text messaged me saying how sexy I was and how he loves me. When I talked to him on the phone he said he loved me. How can someone say that to their girlfriend, while hanging out with another girl? I met her once last year, but I don't even know her. I'm so hurt and angry he went through all that trouble to hang out with her, and his excuse was that I would flip out. I would be okay with it if I was there too. I don't see why a guy should want to hang out with another girl that is not his girlfriend. Especially since my boyfriend is all about hanging out with his boys and what not. I feel that he has a thing for her, but he says that it was the biggest mistake and that it was not worth losing me over it. What am I supposed to do? Do I forgive him or walk away? I don't think I can trust him again because he was such a good actor.


Answers


nemesistherevenger
2103 days ago
What's best for you?

Speaking from a girl's perspective, if one of my best guy friends ditched me for his girlfriend all the time, I wouldn't feel too good. But I'd also want him to check it out with her, just in case.

Maybe you should sit down with him and try to have a rational conversation. I know how easy it is to get frustrated and start yelling, but if you could both make an agreement to stay open minded and honest, it could work.

It sounds like he went pretty far to stop you from knowing, maybe you could ask why, because 'you would freak out' doesn't sound quite right. And people do deserve second chances.

But if all that doesn't work, it could be an idea to leave him. Relationships are based on trust, and if he's not worthy of your trust then he's not worthy for you.

Good luck!



zerozero08
2101 days ago
I'm cool with him having friends that are girls, but I would like them to know who I am. This girl is not his best friend. I think they used to work together, but after I was dating him. I don't think she cares about his relationship with me. I think she has a thing for him. I don't know what his motivation was, but I'm really hurt and angry that he put her first. I wanted to get lunch with him because I knew I wasn't going to see him for a while...that's all I wanted. Instead he went and hung out with her, risking his job because he didn't go to work, and especially our relationship. He's lied before, and it had to do with the same girl...that just boggles my mind. After I caught him that time, he said that he deleted her number, but this time he saved it under a different name.



Clyde
2098 days ago
I think from what you said, perhaps it is time to move on. You bring up patterns of lies, over and over from him. While I dont want you in any pain or upset, perhaps it is best to cut your losses and move on?

Best,

Clyde



healingme
2098 days ago
trust your instincts. You sound like a smart girl. Don't stay in a situation your not comfortable with. even if he isnt cheating. Sounds like a situation that makes you be someone you cant live with. Let him know... cheating or not, honesty is best policy. If he cant respect you enough to speak honestly with you, then he (and you) need to move on.



kathy3
1445 days ago
I got envolved with a bipolar guy, who has been cheating on me for years and alwayls denied he was. How do I let go of him, I never meant anything to him. I cant believe I was so blind for so long, my selfsteem is totally gone.



Progunusa
2083 days ago
I am all up for boyfriends being able to have friends that are girls as long as boundaries are set (such as not being able to spend the night and what not). But the fact that he lied to you so much instead of just coming out with the truth in the first place shows that hanging out with this girl was far more important than your opinion. He was afraid that you wouldn't let him, so he lied. This is totally wrong. I would break up with this guy, because not only do you now know that he's a fantastic liar, but now it's going to be really hard for you to trust him. Sure, nothing might have happened between the two of them, but it is mighty sketchy that he would lie about it. Dump him and find something better! You deserve it.



rennie1438
2013 days ago
I am going through exactly the same thing as you right now, and I am going to dump my boyfriend because he goes to all the trouble to not only defend her, but he also fought with me about it. Then he had the nerve to tell me to get out of his car and act like it's MY fault that he's a liar. So...my advice to you would be to dump the guy because he obviously doesn't deserve to be with someone as good as you.



elone
1755 days ago
I am also going through this same situation. My fiance has a drinking problem and ended up at the mental health unit at the hospital. I have gone there to visit him every day with our son and daughter. He had meet a girl 6 years younger then him and begain this so called friendship behind my back. This girl has seen me and my children everyday at the hospital with him. He was later sent to a rehab clinic 1 hour and 15min away from our home so I found it difficult to visit him. When this girl got out of the mental health unit of the hospital she went to see my fiance at family days at the rehab clinic. They were hiding there relationship for 2 mo. from me. He used all his calling card min. on talking with this girl and not calling his family. I found records of the 2 of them going out on a date. My fiance said he just kisses her once during that time. I have been telling him to end it with her and he says he has. But this crazy menta health girl named Amber won't leave my family alone. I have called her myself and told her to stop calling and texting my fiance. He also ended it with her. I have called her a number of times. When she calls and texts my fiance feels bad for her because she is so young! Help anyone! I need all the help and advice I can get!



cryztal
1627 days ago
Im somewhat in the same boat you are. :[ I thought me and my boyfriend had a good relationship. He works alot so I only get to see him on weekends so I try to spend as much time with him as I can. Just last week my boyfriend had 6 girls go to his place so they can just drink and chill. So he says... Turned out my best friend was there too and couldnt tell me anything. Thought I wouldnt find out I guess... He says there just his friends and Im trippin. Doesnt see anything wrong with it. I personally dont see it as being okay for all these chicks to be hanging out at his place to begin with. I tried including myself to go out with him and his "friends" and he doesnt want that either. Says he hasnt cheated on me and I need to trust him. I just dont see how I can be okay with all of it. We're going to try to work things out but I honestly feel like if he'd rather be around other girls then there's gotta be something wrong here. Idk I guess well see. Its a hard decision to make but you need to do what you think is right. Im trying to do the same. Best of luck!



Messyjessy
1548 days ago
My bf does the same thing with my best friend except he tells me he is texting her but sometimes he doesnt tell me when they are hanging out and when i find out i get pissed off and they say if they told me i'd be mad anyway even if they did so i just ignore him and sometimes i read his phone when im with him and he sees me doing it i know its wrong but sometimes you just feel like you have to



HeLiesToMe
1426 days ago
I think I have the same situation as you. Quite frankly, I have to tell you to leave him. I've gotten to the point of having no time for lies when I'm seeing someone. I had to put up with 4 years of absolute bull (please, excuse my language). The guy I was seeing for 4 years basically hid me from his family, hid from mine, lied to me, kept me as much in the dark about what was going on in his life...and the entire time I played it safe by giving him his space and trying to be understanding. He wanted 3-somes and moresomes and to be open about all the fantasies and things he wanted, but nothing more. It was all about him. I eventually left him, despite all his 'I love you's and 'I'm going to marry you's. If I couldn't meet his family in 4 years or be incorporated into his life after all that time, it was never going to happen.

Now, I'm seeing someone who, I think, is trying to run the same game as your boyfriend. I don't like having to be sneaky, checking messages/texts and phone calls. I feel scummy doing that and it shouldn't be necessary because there shouldn't be anything major hidden from you, such as seeing other people. I also don't believe we are capable of changing people. They decide if they want to change for us and whether we're important enough for them to change their behaviour. Nothing we do ever changes their behaviour. It's how they feel about us that helps them decide. So if you're still finding messages and phone calls to a person your bf said wasn't important, they obviously are important and he hasn't changed. He may never change.

The guy I'm seeing had met a couple before we started seeing each other. Now he says he loves me and I'm a good woman, but he does not deny an attraction for the woman in the couple he met before me. He's a swinger and he tries to play it off as just a sexual attraction. I know this may not be the same as your relationship but the similarity comes in where my guy doesn't just want to have sex with this woman, but he shares more intimate stuff with her, such as hanging out with her, talking to her on the phone, messenger chatting. I don't like it, and I told him I don't trust her, because the few times I've met her and her husband, she was practically throwing herself at my bf, wanting to cuddle up to him, kissing him passionately. For me, it's one thing to have sex and another to share real intimacy beyond the act. I also believe that if you share real intimacy (cuddling, spending time, etc...taking 5 hours off of work to watch movies and be alone with another girl and lie to your girlfriend about it), it will lead to sex. Anyway, on occasion he suggests we all get together to swap. I believe he basically wants me to distract her husband, who I have no interest in, so he can obviously be alone with her. I now believe he's lying about seeing them. I don't like false accusations, but should I find that he is seeing them, I'm leaving. I have no time for lies, feeling cheated, or playing those games. If she's so damn important, he doesn't need me and I'll find someone else. The only reason I haven't left yet, despite his bringing her up on occasion or suggesting we get together, is that I don't blame him for having sexual attractions. I think it's natural. There also has to be a certain level of trust in a relationship, so I trust him when he says he's with friends or family or going somewhere. But if I find out he's lied/continually lied about not seeing this couple/woman or any other person for that matter, I'm leaving him. Someone who does that to you is not worth your time and if you're a good person with a lot of good qualities to share you're better off sharing them with someone who deserves to be treated well.

I think when you're in a monogamous relationship, or you're in a relationship at all with one other person, you have to talk about what you consider cheating and what points are important to your relationship. In many cases, people in monogamous relationships consider emotional fidelity as important as sexual fidelity and some people prefer that their partners share intimacy with them and no one else (not just sex but the act of spending time, being close, cuddling, confiding and caring while alone with one another). If your bf is seeing this girl and she is just a friend - a platonic, non-sexual friend like any of his male buddies - there is no need for him to hang out with her alone without you knowing or to hide her from you. Hiding his involvement with her may mean he's also hiding feelings, which may lead to sex, or that they are already having sex.

So what are you waiting for? You have proof he lied, he continues to lie, and this girl is obviously important to him. If this isn't the type of relationship you want, leave him. You will be better off if you can hold your head high, be strong and look for something/someone better. Believe me. It's difficult to let go of someone you love, but it becomes easier when you think about it as letting go of someone that doesn't love/respect/treat you the way you want/deserve to be loved/respected/treated.



lollipop
1426 days ago
Kick him to the curb girl...its all lies....y would he hang out with her? huh? Best of luck to you!

Lollipop



Leese
1107 days ago
If he goes outta his way to hang w her and not you ... Bubbye!! I'm in a similar situation. No guy in a relationship should try to hang w another girl his fiancé or gf doesnt kno