Avatar Posted by AMG123 26 days ago (Question)
I have been married for 7 1/2 years. I have two children, age 5 and 2. My husband has Borderline Personality Disorder. Within the past year he's cheated on me, stole $2500 from my mother and just recently was arrested in front of our house for harrassment & lewd acts to a neighbor (asking her out on dates, following her). She asked him to stop following her back in August which he did but then started the daily act of "flashing" her from inside our home when she left for work in the morning. The neighbor is also married and has 2 children who are frindly with my children. I have always been on good terms with the neighbors. My question is should I try to work it out with him, go to therapy, etc. or divorce him. He works and is a pretty good Dad.


Answers

Written by bellacutie 25 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Is your husband on medication, seeing a doctor regularly and getting therapy for these problems. This must be very stressful for you. I think you should do everything you can to work it out. If all of the above methods don't improve the situation then you may have to consider getting out. Since he's a good father it's best to always keep things civil for the kids and yourselves. Divorce should be your last resort though. Check with his doctor and tell him/her what been happenng. Best of luck,

Bella

Written by Chemar 25 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

yes I do agree with Bella....you husband needs to be in therapy and correctly medicated in order for this to be dealt with. It does not sound like he is on correct treatment!

hope it works out for you as it would be so sad for both of you and the children to have a divorce happen

Written by AMG123 25 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

My husband refuses to go to therapy but may change his mind once he is served divorce papers. We went years ago (2 visits) when we were having issues and that's when the therapist sited BPD as a possible issue for him. He is on zoloft and wellbutrin for depression/anxiety.

Written by Fpsy 25 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Listen,

it takes more than working and being a good dad, to be a good partner. If he isn't willing to go into therapy, then he isn't committed fully to you or your family. His behavior isn't helping you or your family, it's making things worse.

I don't know that all of the behavior by him is the result of his borderline personality disorder. If your husband did decide to go into therapy, there is no guarantee that things would change. BPD is treatable, but change is very slow, and treatment changes are also dependent on other personality variables of the individual. Like wanting to seek treatment, wanting to change behaviors, wanting to be committed to the relationship.

I don't see your husband fitting any of that criteria. I doubt whether a divorce would make him change his mind. Even if it did, therapy won't work if someone is forced to go. In therapy, your husband would have to a lot of work, therapy alone doesn't make the change, the change comes from the person undergoing the therapy.

It's alarming that your husband is flashing your neighbor and has been following her. This sends out alarm bells to me. This is not just sexually innapropriate behavior but also falls within the category of stalking. I would be terrified if I was your neighbor and I would be scared of sexual assault.

I don't see your husband changing anytime soon and I don't see him making much progress even in therapy.

Written by AMG123 18 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

thank you for your advice. This is the single most difficult decision in my life.

Written by Clyde 25 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think he needs to be in therapy. It basically is up to you. Maybe you could separate, at least until he starts therapy and works through it?

It bothers me about the flashing and the basic kind of stalking.

I would, if it was me, but of course it isnt, tell him he definitely needs the therapy or you will be gone.

Best,

Clyde

Written by litedoc 24 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I disagree with the answers that "divorce is the last resort" This is serious behavior, the kind that, as one of my

psychology teachers used to say, ends up in the hospital, the jail, the court or the morgue. I believe that you need to separate. Once he has moved out, you and your daughter can have a normal relationship with your neighbors. Right now that's not possible. All the best, Dr. H

Written by thefixer 23 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

You have not stated whether or not you still love your husband? BPD is a very serious disorder. You need to do something about his behavior, as he will not change if he does not feel it is worth it. I know from experience that it is very hard, but you have to stop enabling him. If there are no consequences for his actions, they will continue. If you do not love him, I would advise you to end the relationship. He does not have to be your partner in order to be a father. Although divorce will be hard on your kids, it may be a lot easier on them than what could potentially happen in the future. If his behavior continues to spiral out of control it may hit a point where you will seriously regret not acting now. If you do love him, and want to help him, you need to stop enabling. Look up websites for BPD supporters, there is plenty of help out there for those who love somebody with the disorder. Also, you may not be able to force him into counseling, but you can go yourself. There are methods out there to help you help him, as well as set and stick to your own limits. Do not make empty threats. Although I think telling him that if he does not change his behavior and seek help you will leave is a good idea, it will only make things worse if you can't stick to this, and believe me you will be tested. You can only control yourself, go for your own counseling. If nothing else, it will help you decide what you want for yourself and your family.

Written by AMG123 18 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I do not love him any more. He has never been supportive, caring or on the "same page" with anything. He's tried to alienate me from friends and family and I have had to "sneak" around in order to maintain relationships. He treats my daughter differently than my son, like a second class citizen. I am afraid of what he might do next and I do not want to "enable" him. I filed for divorce and I'm on my way. The hardest part is the kids. I had him evicted through a PFA. the kids didn;t see him leave and I told them that he is "away" right now until I see if the PFA will be extended. However, I am struggling with how to negotiate visitation with the kids through the PFA.

Written by Fpsy 15 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I understand how difficult this was for you to do. You are a very courageous woman. You and your children need a stable father and husband.

I think that if you have any concerns about your husband’s behavior that it is important that you start to document things. Get a diary and write everything down,. I know that it can seem tedious and even scary. But planning for what might happen is better than living in fear and doing nothing. The diary can be used as evidence if you need to. This will also help you to feel more in control of the events that are unfolding at the moment. This will give you more positive feelings.

I think the PFA need to know all of your husband’s behavior towards you, your daughter and his criminal behavior. I think if he is legally able to see your children then any contact has to be supervised.

I hope this helps.


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