My husband and I have been married for 8 years. It is his 4th and my second. When we met he insisted on being the only one to cut and color my hair. He also liked to cut it during sex. After we were married it progressed into wanting to give me a buzzcut with clippers and now he wants me to go bald. I can't do it. I felt so ashamed and ugly with the buzzcutt and embarassed. We have not been intimate in 10 months because it is too "blah" and "boring" unles I let him have his way. I lost my job a year ago and went into major depression and he was the one to stand by me and pick up the pieces. But thanks to antidepressants I feel alive and in control again and now he says he loves me and wants to stay together BUT - if he were to meet me now he would have never fell for me. We've been to counseling. He blames everything on me. Oh and one more thing just before I had my breakdown I went and had my hair cut and colored by a professional during the workday. He drove to my work and left his wedding ring on my seat with a "for sale" tag and wrote " See Ya Bye " I don't think we can make it. I've even had an affair to prove to myself that I'm not boring. What to do? The economy is keeping us in the same house now but we sleep in seperate bedrooms.


Answers


Francesca
2009 days ago
Wow.....

Thats is a lot to deal with in a relationship. Can I ask what it is that keeps you tying to make it work?



bella
2009 days ago
Hi,

he sounds mean and manipulative. You are entitled to have your hair the way you WANT. That was very cruel what he did with the wedding ring. I think when finances are better you should go your separate ways. I not surprised this is his 4th marriage. You shouldn't do anything that you don't want to. I've never heard of cutting someones hair while having sex. The saying you learn something new everyday is true. Best of luck.



Edahn
2009 days ago
I've spent a lot of time thinking about this. I'm not a therapist, but here're my best thoughts. I realize that there's only so much you can learn without physically meeting someone, and, that you've only told us a small part of what's going on.

With that said, I believe your husband is afraid of submission. I don't mean that sexually (although sexual submission is included) but more in the sense that he's afraid of what happens if he gives up trying to get something. I get the feeling that he's almost like a child, wanting everything and being totally unwilling to compromise and unwilling to take responsibility for his actions. I believe he is afraid of feeling sad, tender, guilty, or disappointed. So, he keeps pushing for his way, becoming more and more unyielding and inflexible and playing manipulative games (e.g., typically, making you feel guilty) to retain power and control. I could speculate that at the bottom of this is a lack of courage, kindness, and "self-support" since I can see how having these qualities would make someone okay with feeling these feelings and moving on.

To see things from your side would mean he would have to acknowledge how unfair, selfish, and childish he is acting which would FORCE him to give up and face disappointment, so he avoids it entirely. Since perspective-taking is the root of intimacy, you probably feel, and have felt, alone for quite a long time.

And lets not forget that you also cheated on him.

So what now?

I think you need to first decide if you WANT to make this work. To do that, I think he needs to be open to want to improve things. He needs to admit that he's not happy, and show some small amount of faith in this relationship. You also need to have that faith. You are both going to have to work diligently and together as a team to restore this relationship. A half-assed commitment from either one of you is worthless.

If you decide you want to repair it, I think you should probably find a marriage counselor to help you both. If that's not an option, your best bet is to buy some book on relationships and healthy communication and begin there, TOGETHER. You are both going to have to make an effort to be tender with one another at all times, as well as responsible for your mistakes. "Kindness" can be your buzzword.

You both will need to learn how to compromise which involves submission and vulnerability. You will both have to consider is whether his fetish is incompatible with your lifestyle. How far will he end up going? Shaving your head is humiliating and not an option. Is he willing to give that up and compromise on that?



bella
2009 days ago
^^^^^^

Good work Edahn.



sleepy1
2009 days ago
Well, let me try and snswer some of your questions. First, Francesca - I stay so far because neither one of us can afford to move out. Bills are a mess with me losing my job and since he just turned 50 I was hoping he would give up on going all the way to bald. Second, Edahn - we went to marriage counseling for over a year and bottom line. He told the therapist if I want sex with him then I hve to let him shave my hair. Let me also state that we are kind to each other on a daily basis. He is however very unkind to my son who has ADHD and he makes fun of him all the time. He said if he can't be dominant and me submissive then there is nothing to talk about. He knows I had an affair, what was am I to do?



Edahn
2008 days ago
Are you ready to keep your head shaved to satisfy your husband's sexual needs? Doesn't that strike you as a little unfair? I'm still sticking with my assessment that he is afraid of compromising and yielding. The business about your son is enough of a reason alone to question the health of this marriage. All the stuff he has done to you so far, that you mentioned, does not strike me as kind, so I wonder if you and I have different conceptions of what "kindness" entails. In my opinion, kindness does not cause the behavior your husband exhibits.

I believe you should decide what things are NON NEGOTIABLE for your peace of mind and happiness. Having your husband ridicule your son for a disability? Unacceptable. Having your husband put his sexual fetish before your dignity? Unacceptable. Having your husband play power games rather than communicate? Unacceptable. If he's not willing to budge, then what else is there to do? You're incompatible. If he's GENUINELY ready to compromise, then go find a new therapist who will stand up to him rather than simply listen and comfort. He needs someone strong to tell him what he's doing and to force him to confront how he humiliates other people for his own enjoyment.

Good luck to you.



sleepy1
2008 days ago
Edahn - Wow - your last statement really hit the nail on the head for me. We talked last night and no he is not willing to compromise. He said he loves me, wants to stay married, but wouldn't like sex without the shaving.... So, I guess the answer is clearer now. Sometimes you just need to read it in black and white. Thank You



bella
2008 days ago
Hi sleepy1,

I'm happy to hear you have a better perspective of what to do. After reading how he treats your son, I can see how your decision is easier now. I would suspect he will have a hard time finding another women, being fifty. I hope he tells the next woman straight out, that he expects her to be bald. It's good Edahn was able to help you. Best of luck.



sleepy1
2008 days ago
I guess that's where getting over the hurt comes from. I doubt he will find what he is looking for. It hurts to know that he could love someone else and not need to shave her. But as Edahn said - we are NOT compatable.



bella
2008 days ago
Hi,

it's natural for you to feel hurt and it will take time. Since you also don't like the way he treats your son, then you know it's not just the head shaving, that's making you feel unhappy. It's sounds like he cares only about what he wants. You shuoldn't have to compromise your beliefs. Take care.