Avatar Posted by Yohanita 1306 days ago (Question)
I have been with my husband for 15 years, but married only for 8. He was raised in a home by father and step mother who his dad married when my husband was 8, after his biological mom passed two years prior. He was forced to call his stepmom "mommy". His stepmom,while polite and pleasant, seems a bit withdrawn and her "warmth" seems forced. To describe his and his dads' relationship,they talk several times a week, but after not having seen one another for a few years, at a family reunion, he and his father only shook hands and exchanged niceities, which seemed really sincere, but being raised in a loud, affectionate and outgoing family, it really surprised me. Anyway, this is only to give you some insight into my observations. My husband has always been extremely jealous and insecure only he will not admit that he is insecure. He has "found" me at a bar when I was hanging out w/a girlfriend. And embarassed me at the bar because my girlfriend and I were exchanging small talk with some other people at the bar, some of them being men. He has embarassed me at a company holiday party also. A fellow co-worker sat in his seat to say hi to me, and instead of my husband coming back and allowing me to introduce them (at which point, knowing my co-worker, they would have been happy to meet him), my husband returns to his seat with a scrowl in his face and says, you're in my seat, buddy. While traveling w/my co., if I don't call him as soon as I land and give him a play by play of my itinerary, he calls me my room and proceeds to call my cell. Sometimes my cell is off because I'm in a meeting, or prepping w/coworkers or en route to the other side of the airport to pick up luggage, get rental car, get directions to hotel, etc; I am a vocal, outspoken and intelligent woman and have tried to reason with him, have talked him through this, have explained how it makes me feel, but he is stubborn, he doesn't understand, and he blames it on me. It has gotten to the point that I am now either outright lying about things just so that he doesn't give me grief over it(innocent things like taking my son to see his dad, I don't even mention it, because it's another hour long discussion, my son is 16 by the way, and my husband raised him), and if I'm not lying or just not offering him details, I find myself just arguing with him now. Last weekend I did not feel like going to his co-workers' birthday party at a jazz club. He was ok with it since he knew I was tired. I happened to say that the club wasn't all that great anyway, and he grilled me, how did I know that, had I ever been there? I couldn't convince him enough that I had heard this only. He wound up yelling that I was an f'g liar and storming up the stairs. He HATES,HATES Facebook because I have male coworkers, grade school friends and past aquaintances as friends. Every time I'm on the computer he talks garbage saying things like, there you go again - talking to some guys, huh? Yeah, you have all the time in the world for those guys, and none for me. You would think, hearing him, that I am cheating, yet I have NEVER, EVER cheated, meanwhile my husband has gotten caught THREE times on chat sites and the most recent episode was in August that just passed. I tell him all the time that he acts this distrustful because he knows what he does and he denies it. I am basically now putting up with this nonsense and secretly planning my escape because I just cant deal w/this anymore. It has put a huge wedge between us and I don't have sex with him. How can I? I have lost respect for him and he won't admit that what he's doing is wrong. This is absolute mental abuse. We've been to a dr., he is the nicest guy in the world and secretly, extremely passive/aggressive. I don't even know why I'm writing because I'm leaving.


Answers


Fpsy
1306 days ago
Hi Yohanita,

I can see you have done all you can in the relationship. But your husband is not keeping up his end of the bargain and what he is doing is a deal breaker.

I would say that if your husbands insecurity was going to change, he would have done so by now. But anyone who is that insecure and controlling, and denying it, is never going to change. I think there isn't much of a relationship left to hold onto, and I can only see things becoming more worse down the track.

You cannot make someone go into counseling if they refuse to acknowledge the problem, and holding on, waiting for change, is only waiting for more drama, more pain and more suffering.

I think you have made a wise decision. Feel free to write back here about your thoughts and feelings.

I wish you well.
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AppleJuiceGirl
1305 days ago
I agree with Fpsy, you're doing the right thing. I can tell you that my father was the same way with my mother. Only she didn't go out to bars or have work related trips. She literally went to work and came home. If she left to go shopping, I'd go with her, so she was never alone. Yet my father always accused her of cheating and freaked out if she went out to eat with her friends on their lunch break. He'd even listen to her (and my) phone conversations (we had two phones--he just had to pick up the other line). While he would go out all the time, and sometimes disappear for hours. It wasn't a good relationship and it ended very badly.

I'm super glad you're leaving. You are much smarter than most women who deal with this. And don't feel bad for venting here, it's always a stress reliever to just let it all out. Good luck with everything! I wish you the best.
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Clyde
1305 days ago
I agree--you definitely need to get out of that relationship. He is having issues, and is making them yours and making you suffer for being such a kind, loving person.

Best,

Clyde
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dpwyatt
1302 days ago
My girlfriend is similar. What really gets me is the denial. I've tried to tell her how i feel. When I do this I try to make sure its clear that I'm talking about how i feel, not accusing her/pointing fingers. I brought up how i feel she is controlling and does not look at thing from my perspective and she just ends up getting upset and making me feel guilty. I find this difficult as in the end none of my problems are resolved and I dont feel like I want to tell her how i feel anymore. Sorry for hijacking your post. Best of luck, your a saint to have dealt with this for 15 years
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