domestic violence?

Posted by fiona1 328 days ago (Question)

I have been dating/living with my bf for a few months now. It has truly been more perfect than I could ever image. He has always been a true gentleman to me and treats me kinder than anyone ever has. He saved me from alcoholism and we brought eachother closer to God. Recently when we bicker over small things it somehow blows up out of porportion. I can tell that he is filled with frustration and he feels like he can't get through to me. Not an excuse but he suffers from PTSD from the war and witnessing a horrific accident. At 1st he pushed me up against the wall and spoke really close to my face, this was not like him. I didn't mention anything about it after, i just brushed it off. Than a week later he got so frustrated with me bc he thought i wasnt listening to his points in a disagreement he grabbed me by my ears and shook my head while talking really close to my face again. I just started crying which made him MORE frustrated, he then grabbed me by my throat and choked me while he was in my face saying "Shut up! Shut up and listen!" I could tell by looking in his eyes that something had come over him. He was always so gentle and kind, how could he turn this way? When we made up I told him that this could never happen again. He was disgusted by his actions and showed alot of remorse. The next week we got into a disagreement. I am never the type to back down bc although we had the altercation before i was not scared he was actually going to hurt me. I was wrong. I told him to shut up and he jumped ontop of me and began shoving my head into the bed, punched me three times in the same spot in my arm leaving a huge weld. He hit me in my temple, it was so hard i heard ringing for a half an hour. In that moment i was actually scared for my life. It is like he turns into a completley different person. It hurts so much. I can tell that he cant control this. We both agreed he needs help. I dont want to live being petrified to push someone over the edge. How can I help him

4 Answers

Answers

Written by Edahn 328 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

First of all, you need to understand that he needs to help himself, and that even if you could help, right now, you're not safe, and safety is the first priority. You need to be smart and get out. Is there someone you can be with? Parents? Family? You need to be somewhere that's protected. If you have no options, you can try a battered women's shelter. When you make the move, you should either have numerous people around that can protect you (big guys) or do it when he's not home. You could probably call the sheriff as well to come and supervise. A battered women's shelter should be able to give you good advice on how to proceed. Be smart.

His apologies and remorse, even if sincere, mean nothing right now because he has no ability to control his rage and anger. That's something he needs to learn how to do on his own. You could send him a letter pointing out what you see and recommending a psychologist or book to him.

Written by jefft2300 328 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I feel sorry for you.

Even thou I am separated and will be divorced soon. My wife would have left me in a heart beat if had laid hands on her like that. I am not a abusive person. OH sure during fights I would just love to hit her sometimes or punch her....But that's were a man knows his boundaries. In my eyes I could do this and get away with it..and then the next day feel so so so much guilt and tell her I love her and I am sorry make up with her and tell her over and over and over again I am sorry ...but usually the circle of violence continues. I think almost every man that has been in a relationship would just love to slap/hit the woman in certain heated moments, But at that point what happens separates the men from the boys. And from what I have read from your post,, you will always be petrified of him for as long as you stay with him. One thing to be grateful for is that you speak your mind. My so to be ex wife just freezes up and doesn't talk to me at all. Take your power back ,,,get counseling for both of you and don't back down, if he doesn't want to do this...leave him...ASAP!!

There are better men out there that wouldn't dream about laying a hand on you....

Written by Clyde 327 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree. I would leave. I sympathize with what he may have went through--but that is no excuse at all to hit you.

You have to realize that you yourself are more important than what you are believing--only then things will improve.

Best,

Clyde

Written by kittenkirk 322 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I've been there and they don't change it only gets worse. I've actually pushed (one of many) a bf through the window so the cops wouldn't get him. He was sorry and he loved me. For him it was because of the abuse he suffered as a boy growing up, he's dad would come home late at night, after his mom said he was bad, and wake him up and throw him literally through the wall. Abuse is learned and it takes a long time (if ever) to unlearn.

You're only in this relationship a short time. There's no reason you need to make this work....it isn't working already. Why give an energy into it? Find a companion that is loving, caring, compassionate and gentle....that doesn't hit you, strangle you or punch you in the head. You're worth more than that. Note: Sometimes we attract what we're used to. My parents abused each other, yelling, screaming, hitting, throwing stuff. I hated it but I fell into it and found myself in the same senario(s). My relationships, today, are neither abusive verbally or physically. I guess it's a part of life or insanity. You keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results....only when you've had enough you decided to change. Change now or die. I'll pray for you.

Love and Peace, Kathy