Avatar Posted by hanna 220 days ago (Question)
Hey there,

I've never done this before so please bare with me. I've known this guy about 7 years ago and I really considered him as a brother and was never attracted to him until 2 years ago. He is older than me by 3 years but I always knew that he liked me, everyone from our friends knew it but i never considered it because I could never of imagined myself with him until up to 2 years ago where I feel madly in love with him. I actually fell in love with his personality, in some ways he made me fall in love with him because he would always say the right thing, and always do the right thing. With time my feelings grew stronger and his too. Hwoever the only problem was that we lived in two different countries, I was still living in my hometown which is his as well but he went off to university so we were sepearted for quite some time but he would always take the plane for the weekend and surprise me sometimes. Our relationship lasted 8 months. He was the first man I ever fell in love with. Unfortunately he broke up with me the week of my birthday and his excuse was that he loved me too much that the distance was killing him, he told me that he was only living for me and that nothing else in the world mattered to him anymore and that was scaring him he said he had to get his shit together. I couldn't realise it at the moment because I was so shocked but with time I accepted it until we met again during summer since we have the same friends. That was the worst summer of my life because we would spend 24/7 together not being able to kiss him, touch him feel him and it was killing me and I felt it was killing him too and one night we slept together even though we were not a couple but nothing happened, I wanted to kiss him so bad but he pushed me away saying he was scared feelings would come again and that he respected me too much to hurt me again. Later on he told me that he had mixed feelings and that he didn't know what to do about them, I thought he was talking about me but funny thing is it turns out he was takling about my best friend of 15 years. Everyone told me things were going on between them but i jsut couldn't believe them because i could of never imagined she'd do something like that to me, until the day I saw them together in the car. I will never forget that day. anyways so I decided to leave my home, start a new life in a new country and finish my studies, I was all good for about 1 month until he came back talking to me saying he missed me. I don't understand how he has the guts to be with her while talking to me saying he misses me. the thing is I think i never stoped loving him because until now I can't stop thinking about him and its been exactky 8 months that were not togethr anymore. I don't know if hes playing with me or with her. He also tells me that he can't lose me that he still cares too much about me and that he needs me in his life but i jsut don't understand why he would say all of this if he is with her normally he should be happy because he chose to be with her against everything. I am stuck in a situtation where I still have feelings for my ex and so I push people away now because i've been hurt so much and i deserve to be happy but all i think about are the moments we had together, how happy i was. I don't know what to do. I tried to talk to him to make him feel guilty and i felt that he sill had feelings for me too just by the way he told me things and by reminiscing the past.

I really need your help and tell me what you think please be honest.

Thank you very much !


Answers


bella
220 days ago
Hi hanna - first loves are hard to get over. It seems like you're both very confused and if you moved to a different country, this makes reconciling hard. TBH if I was in your shoes and my partner went with my best friend before we both has closure .....I don't think this would be easy to get over.

They both should have told you first. Most likely he was confiding with your friend which can end up causing problems. He should have been talking to you and it wasn't appropriate of your friend to be talking to him. It would be difficult to trust a man who could easily go for your friends. Honestly I doubt their relationship will succeed either. I think you should move on and try not to let him suck you back in emotionally. Good luck.
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AlmostThere
210 days ago
Hi Hanna,

I agree with Bella. This is your first love and it is hared to get over. You put all of your dreams and fantasies of what love can/should be on this relationship and this guy. It hurts when it all comes crashing down. You don't want to hear this but you are young, too young to make a lifetime commitment. Your former boyfriend is too young and immature and does not know exactly what he wants in life or in a girlfriend. It hurts that you were his first love and it didn't work out.

You were able to move to another country to pursue your education. Good for you! And for 8 months you were able to move beyond that relationship and start to heal. Consider his getting back in contact with you as a blip in your healing process. Do not allow him to throw you off course. I would suggest that you ask him not to contact you again until you both have graduated. That will give you the time to put that relationship into perspective. I would also suggest that you allow yourself 10 minutes every day to think about him. Don't think about anything or anyone else. Let yourself feel your emotions about him and that relationship and how it ended. Then close the door on those thoughts until the next day. Don't allow yourself more than 10 minutes. If your thoughts try to turn to him at other times during the day, just recognize those thoughts, remind yourself that it is not time to think about him and decide what you are going to think about. Keep yourself busy. Besides classes and homework, explore social activities and clubs offered by your school, attend a few even if you don't continue with them you will be opening your horizon. Explore the area/city/community around the school. Pick one class each day and speak to one new person in that class. "Did you understand question #1 on the homework assignment?" "Were you able to find the book the prof suggested?" "How do you like this class?"" Another thing you could do would be to look a one guy every day and think about him: what is he like - does he have a girlfriend - what are his hobbies - what is his major - do you like the way he dresses - does his voice have a pleasant timbre? You may never get to know that particular guy, but you will realize that the world is full of interesting guys and that you would like to meet some of them, that you could eventually have a relationship with one of them. A relationship with a guy who does not string you along, who does not see your best friends, who is ready to be in a real relationship.

You are about to find out the difference between your old boyfriend - the operative word being BOY - and a man. Relax, look forward to the journey and enjoy the ride.
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Jene
210 days ago
I didn't read it all but I think your only mistake is you Misread his his thoughts. You need to ask what are his actual feeling for you, how he sees you as a person in his life/family. There is a possibility of him being one of the players and if he is; he is never going to admit and keep you puzzled. Whatever it is it's clear he doesn't have an emotional bond strong enough to be with you. He might have been attracted with your beauty/innocence/charm which may keep him come and leave forever if you let him. If he is not into you, you got to let him go. Just an advice not to hurry into any relationship unless you believe you know/understand the person well enough. His thoughts about Love/Life/Family. If someone talks and behave nicely doesn't mean he is after you, they are just talking to make an impression; it may mean he finds you as someone worth being with but being forever with you is something they rarely think seriously .
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umamenina
203 days ago
Wow I am so sorry Hanna, this must be really really hard. I've had a friend who got too close to my ex boyfriend and still is and I would probably never be friends with her again. It hurts. But going back to your issue, I really think you should step back from all this. Get out of both their lives and try to create your own. I know it is hard but believe me that's the best thing you can do now. And if his feelings for you are real, first his relationship with your bestfriend won't last, but also he will come back around. You would have had times to think about all this and you would know what you want. So you will be able to make a decision.
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