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Hello,
OK, quick bit of background. I am 29 years old, successful in my career, good family and friends network and generally a good life. I do suffer from anxiety as I have in the past let my natural tendencies to be a worrier, takes over. However, I have handle on this now and I refuse to let it impact my life. I have sort therapy over this and manage the issue.
Relationships wise, I have had 4 serious relationships, all lasting between 1-3 years. Two of these relationships I ended, two were ended by my partners, both time completely unexpected. My mum left the family fold when I was six and my grandma (who lived with us after my mum left) left when I was ten. I’m still close to all of them and my father was an awesome single parent. My mum has re-married and divorced again. My dad has had a long list of relationships although they have always been amicable and there is no history of any arguments. Both parent have had various affairs.
I have been dating my current Girlf for just over a year. The relationship was very intense to start with although she was very reticent to get heavily involved having just come out of a 9 year relationship. This meant in the first few months we had two ‘mini break ups’ although she very quickly made up. We had quite frankly an amazing love life and we also share similar values, life goals etc. If I have a complaint it’s that we seem to argue more than I would like and sometimes when we argue they can become very very harsh arguments. I tend to be very fatalist about arguments and when we have a big one, I can assume it means the possible end of the relationship. I know this is not mature but I just think when things are that horrible then there is obviously something very wrong.
Eventually, about six months ago on a weekend break she suggested we move in together. This came as a shock to me and shocked me slightly and it’s started all these feelings of fear and anxiety in me. I delayed it by a month but then went ahead with it anyway. Then several months later I had the same feelings of anxiety and fear and the need to completely run away. Again, I worked on these and put them to one side and told myself I was just being stupid.
Then a couple of weeks ago we had this really lovely amazing weekend and then on the Tuesday we had this tiff over something small and suddenly I got it into my head that there was something wrong and that I needed to get out of this relationship. Since then I simple can’t get it out of my head that there is something wrong and that I need to walk away. Some people would call it you ‘gut feeling’ but to me it just feels awful. Like everything is ‘wrong’ and the only way to get rid of this horrible pain is to get out of the relationship. Its making me sick with Anxiety and I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t even understand where this is come from. I never felt like this when we were in the middle of some massive row but now I can barely sleep.
Also, I feel so awful for actually feeling this way. Like I have done something wrong and I just feel washed over with guilt that I should feel like this about a girl I genuinely love. She is kind, compassionate and very affectionate and loving. Our relationship has its faults as we are both feisty, but she really is an amazing person and I am so attracted to her it’s untrue!!
Sorry for waffling on but I really need help with this. I don’t want to keep having 1/2 year relationships, have someone fall in love with me, then end the relationships causing hurt all round!!
People label this as ‘fear of commitment’ and that I should just seek the cause and that will somehow cure the issue. However, I can’t get rid of the fact that I have never witnessed any arguments ever as a child, or that my mum left when I was six, or that a couple of girlf have really broken my heart.
Or maybe this fear is right? Maybe this relationship simply is wrong and I should leave her and find a new partner or accept that this just isn’t meant to be. I feel lost, hurt and anxious and I simple don’t know what to do.
OK, quick bit of background. I am 29 years old, successful in my career, good family and friends network and generally a good life. I do suffer from anxiety as I have in the past let my natural tendencies to be a worrier, takes over. However, I have handle on this now and I refuse to let it impact my life. I have sort therapy over this and manage the issue.
Relationships wise, I have had 4 serious relationships, all lasting between 1-3 years. Two of these relationships I ended, two were ended by my partners, both time completely unexpected. My mum left the family fold when I was six and my grandma (who lived with us after my mum left) left when I was ten. I’m still close to all of them and my father was an awesome single parent. My mum has re-married and divorced again. My dad has had a long list of relationships although they have always been amicable and there is no history of any arguments. Both parent have had various affairs.
I have been dating my current Girlf for just over a year. The relationship was very intense to start with although she was very reticent to get heavily involved having just come out of a 9 year relationship. This meant in the first few months we had two ‘mini break ups’ although she very quickly made up. We had quite frankly an amazing love life and we also share similar values, life goals etc. If I have a complaint it’s that we seem to argue more than I would like and sometimes when we argue they can become very very harsh arguments. I tend to be very fatalist about arguments and when we have a big one, I can assume it means the possible end of the relationship. I know this is not mature but I just think when things are that horrible then there is obviously something very wrong.
Eventually, about six months ago on a weekend break she suggested we move in together. This came as a shock to me and shocked me slightly and it’s started all these feelings of fear and anxiety in me. I delayed it by a month but then went ahead with it anyway. Then several months later I had the same feelings of anxiety and fear and the need to completely run away. Again, I worked on these and put them to one side and told myself I was just being stupid.
Then a couple of weeks ago we had this really lovely amazing weekend and then on the Tuesday we had this tiff over something small and suddenly I got it into my head that there was something wrong and that I needed to get out of this relationship. Since then I simple can’t get it out of my head that there is something wrong and that I need to walk away. Some people would call it you ‘gut feeling’ but to me it just feels awful. Like everything is ‘wrong’ and the only way to get rid of this horrible pain is to get out of the relationship. Its making me sick with Anxiety and I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t even understand where this is come from. I never felt like this when we were in the middle of some massive row but now I can barely sleep.
Also, I feel so awful for actually feeling this way. Like I have done something wrong and I just feel washed over with guilt that I should feel like this about a girl I genuinely love. She is kind, compassionate and very affectionate and loving. Our relationship has its faults as we are both feisty, but she really is an amazing person and I am so attracted to her it’s untrue!!
Sorry for waffling on but I really need help with this. I don’t want to keep having 1/2 year relationships, have someone fall in love with me, then end the relationships causing hurt all round!!
People label this as ‘fear of commitment’ and that I should just seek the cause and that will somehow cure the issue. However, I can’t get rid of the fact that I have never witnessed any arguments ever as a child, or that my mum left when I was six, or that a couple of girlf have really broken my heart.
Or maybe this fear is right? Maybe this relationship simply is wrong and I should leave her and find a new partner or accept that this just isn’t meant to be. I feel lost, hurt and anxious and I simple don’t know what to do.
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Answers
Hi
your emotions and reactions do seem very tangled and yes, possibly the events of your childhood play a part
If you love her, it is worth trying to make it work and overcome these feelings. It seems you have an overall good relationship and that the arguments are small things that escalate into more?
Why not try drawing up a list of the pros and cons of your relationship and one about her and see if that doesnt give you a better perspective?
If you know deep down inside that the real issue is with you and the "fear of commitment" then it may be wise to consider therapy to help you work thru this
hope that helps a bit
That's the issue, I don't know how to over come those fears. I went through therapy before to over come an anxiety issue but maybe I could give it another go to help with this.
It weird, writing the passage above reminded me how much I love her and how much I don't want to lose her. It makes it worse in many way as if I didn't care it would be a lot easier. I have done the pros and cons list although I have a tendency to over dramatize and focus on the negative or make big things out of little problems!
Thats why I believe its some kind of 'fear' because one day I was sat there happy with her and literally the next day I was contemplating leaving and I don't think that is normal!!
Well I hope not anyway, other wise it will be a long painful life!!
You mentioned when any problem arises, you take the fatalistic approach - which is due to your fear of commitment and your anxiety/worrying. You saw both your mother and father go in and out of relationships, which wasn't a good representation of how to solve problems. Your anxiety makes the fear of commitment worse. I like what Chemar said about making a list of pros and cons. I would also like you to get out of the pattern of thinking the relationship is DOOMED just because there's a little problem. A good healthy relationship involves both people argueing fairly and problem solving together. Another good tip I can give you is to never make important decisions when you're upset. When you're having a disagreement don't allow yourself the option of thinking - "this relationship is doomed and I need to get out". Try to keep on track and don't veer off the subject of whatever you're talking about. I think your argueing style is too get out - then your anxiety kicks in and instead of solving it - you start to think it's disasterous and you need to end it. The problem ends up being swept under the carpet instead of being solved.
One of the best things a couple can do is, to learn how to fight fairly - stick to the topic, know when to take agreed upon breaks(this isn't runnig away), listen to each other, of course no verbal or physical abuse, never make important decisions when you're upset. I think you're afraid of failing in this relationship and that's why you're tempted to get out when it's hot. She sounds like a lovely person so try not to argue fatalistically and learn how to calm yourself when you're upset. Remember to ask yourselves - is this really worth arguing about. When you argue fatalistically then one of you needs to win back the other- then you go through a great honeymoon period. Unfortunately after a while another problem comes and the same thing happens - where the problem isn't solved. If you love her then commit to her 100% and don't back away when the going gets tough. Best of luck, Bella :)
Yeah good point Bellacutie, I do take things to mach 11 quickly (so can she, which is why fights can escalate). I am practicing that though and trying to listen more and see things from her point of view.
I suppose I thought when I met 'the one' it wouldn't be hard, it would just work. I think perhaps I was being naive though and life is never that simple.
At the moment I'm just trying to find ways to calm myself down and get rid of this feeling of feeling petrified so I can look at things a bit more pragmatically.
The hole thing is keeping me awake and making me sick with worry because I'm so scared that I have fallen out of love with my girlf over night and need to get out of this relationship - even though I know you can't fall out of love in a day! I feel so stupid but the feelings feel so real!
Anyway, thanks for both your answers!
When you're both in a calm mood, I suggest you both agree to set some boundaries and ground rules for fighting fairly. Even when you find 'the one or soul mate' there will still be problems that come up. You know when it's really love, when you go through problems but you still love that person. Naturally there's certain problems that aren't worth tolerating like substance abuse, cheating etc.
People also need to realize that it's normal for those passionate infactuation feelings to wane a little - this is when some people start to doubt their relationships. It's easy to love someone when things are going great - the real test is when the road get rough. It's not a good sign if the worrying is making you sick - that's why you need to stop thinking that everytime there's a problem - it's the end. It's puts you in the unecessary stressful position, where you feel you need to make a decision of staying together or not. Keep things simple - don't make mountains out of mole hills. Since you're both are guilty of letting fights escalate - it's time to make some ground rules and fight fairly. Best of luck to you both, Bella.
It sounds like you both need to learn how to communicate with each other.
You are definitely working yourself up in a good lather on this one too. I can understand worrying about problems, but talking it out definitely helps compared to just letting it build up over and over.
Best,
Clyde