I have been dating a woman that I am totally in love with for 7 months. I moved into her place and have been living with her the last 2 months. Everything is fine between us, with the exception that we argue about small insignificant things often. When we argue about these things, it turns into us not really talking to each other and lasts way longer than it should. We both are stubborn people and have trouble stopping the escalation of these arguments once they start.

Example #1: My gf works late, and I usually wait until she gets home to eat ( I cook dinner and have it ready when she gets there). If we are not eating together, we usually let the other know. Recently, however, there was a night that she went shopping after work instead of coming home to eat. She sent me a text as she was leaving work saying she was going shopping. I was upset at that point because I had waited for her to eat. When she got home, she made herself something to eat and as she was doing that asked me what I ate. Being upset, I said I wasn't really hungry. We didn't talk much at all because she could tell I was upset and we went to sleep. That argument carried over to the next day.

Example #2: We make it a point to give each other a kiss hello and goodbye as the 1st thing we do when we walk in the door and the last thing we do before we walk out it. One evening she came in and did not stop by to give me one. I tried to jokingly ask where my kiss was, but it turned into an argument. We didn't talk a whole lot the rest of the night.

99% of these arguments occur during the week when we are not with each other a lot because of the long hours she has to work as an attorney. In example #2, it turns out she was stressed from a long day at work and getting ready for a trial. We rarely have issues on the weekends when we are with each other and have time to spend together.

Due to the frequency of these little fights, she says she is wondering is she is actually IN love with me. She says that she wonders this all day the next day after one of these little fights when we go to bed not talking much. These little fights do not weigh on me as much, and I rarely dwell on them the next day.

What does this mean for our relationship if we have no problems on the weekends when we are together, but have frequent little fights during the week? Is there something we can do to avoid these or does it mean we are not compatible as a couple? She is currently deciding whether she wants to continue in this relationship and I am searching for solutions so that we can stay together.




Answers


Francesca
1723 days ago
No relationship is easy. If you guys care about each other and want to be together you should do so. If this is not the case, obviously you shouldn't.

I would say from your examples that there is a common theme in a lot of your problems. One of, you are fixating on small moments because you want her attention, and she seems to be over extended and possibly needs a little breathing room.

Routine living is fine, and it has its perks, but it needs to be willing to adapt if all conditions are not routine conditions. What I mean by this, is that life is not predictable. You cannot expect to always be able to conform to such strict schedules. It is okay if you do not have dinner every night. It is okay if she forgets to kiss you after a long days work. As long as you guys enjoy each others company, each person needs to keep a little freedom or spontaneity.

You mentioned your GF works long hours. You didn't really mention what you do. I would say if you find yourself with more extra time, try to keep yourself busy and to maintain some sort of life outside of your relationship. If your gf wants to go shopping after work, go hang out with a friend for an hour or so. Nothing kills a relationship quicker than overly structured standards and the expectation that each party conform to those standards.

If you feel like you consistency get blown off or are not receiving enough attention to suit your needs, leave the relationship to find someone who can provide that for you. I don't know you, your gf, or the whole story so a lot of this is speculation, but I can say this:

Give each other a little breathing room, and enjoy the time you guys do have together. A home is a sanctuary to some, and no one looks forward to coming home to demands and tiffs. Provide that sanctuary for each other.



Edahn
1722 days ago
You've fixated on her and her attention. It sounds like you've become needy and worried about her dedication to you and to your relationship. If you can find a way to release some of that worry, or even just put it aside while you continue to lead a separate, normal life, they go for it. What're your hobbies? What are you interested in learning about? Just start doing it ... alone. I think as you get involved in your own life and release some of your concern over these minor infractions -- essentially, not taking them so personally -- your relationship will start to improve naturally.

This is the same advice as Francesca's, just worded differently.



Clyde
1721 days ago
To me, it pretty much sounds like a normal relationship :)

I do agree that you both need to give each other some time to enjoy things by yourselves, but you also need to figure out why you are grouching at each other.

Can you find reasons? Are you getting too crowded on each other, or are you wishing to be more together?

Talk to her.

Best,

Clyde



Kera
1429 days ago
I am going through the same exact situation. only that I am the woman. I have a very busy work shedule and my husband of 1 year seems to be unhappy with it. Slowly it has become a very big issue to him that he now says I can never love him the way I love my job or my family.

I love him so very much and I want to stay in he relationship so when ever he starts up something petty, I will stop it from going any further by owning to the mistake just so that I donot get stressed.

I love him, he is threatening to leave me. I cannot stand loosing him but at the same time his pettiness is some thing that am wondering whether I can leave with.

The point here is ask your your self do you love her so mch that you can over look the things that annoy you? Personally I love my Husband and I am willing to fight for him no matter what.