I have been crossdressing (M2F) since I was about 11. I enjoy the sexual feelings I have while dressed and I even have some feelings about being a woman. I am married and have two sons who are grown. I told my wife about my crossdressing after we were married but she doesn't understand it even says it makes her sick. I love her very much and don't want to lose her but I know my crossdressing is a part of me that I can't change and don't really want to change. I have tried explaining the aspects of crossdressing to my wife but she thinks it's gay and takes away from her femininity. We need help and guidance!


Answers


bella
1974 days ago
Hi,

I think both of you need to get into couples counselling. There are couples who peacefully co-exist even though the husband is a cross dresser. Do you like to go out in public or just at home? You said you even have feelings about being a woman - does this mean that you feel you're a woman trapped in a man's body and would consider having a sex change operation? What I'm trying to get at here is - are you just a cross dresser or do you believe that you are a woman trapped in a man's body? I understand that you feel that cross dressing is an important part of who you are and you don't want to change. But your wife doesn't like it, therefore you both need counselling to see if your wife can except this or not, since you don't want to give it up. I hope that you both come to an agreement and good luck. :)



helenatv
1974 days ago
No, I don't and would never go out in public dressed. I have thoughts about being a woman but would not consider a sex change operation. I enjoy my masculine side but also enjoy my feminine side as well and don't want to give either of them up. This may seem ironic, but I really don't believe that counseling helps at all. I think society has adopted a system to categorize people so much that common medicine now partakes of that as well. What I want the most is to help my wife understand that my crossdressing doesn't diminish my love for her or my sexual attraction to her, and that I am not gay. And I really don't know what to say or do to address her feeling that I am stealing her femininity.



bella
1974 days ago
I understand what you're saying and thanks for clarifying things. Like I said I've heard that couples have learned to accept their mates desire to cross dress and then there's some who don't. There are some couples that even go out together in public. I agree that she shouldn't think you're gay. Do you do the cross dressing privately and is it kept separate from your wife? I'm sure there must be some therapist who would be supportive of you. I think she needs to understand that this has nothing to do with her and that you've been doing this long before you met her. Things could be alot worse than this, in a marriage. This is not an usual thing and many men just hide it well from their mates.

All you can do is kindly tell her that this has nothing to do with her and doesn't threaten her femininity or your marriage. You can tell her, that this is something that's very much a part of who you are and that you don't need to fix it. I recommended counselling not to change YOU, but to help her to accept or not feel threatened by your desire to cross dress. I hope you and your wife can reach an understanding where you're both happy. I know Oprah did a show on it once. I wish I had more recommendations for you. But we're just regular people here, who happen to care. TC to both.



helenatv
1974 days ago
I appreciate your input. I only crossdress now when I'm away on business and never do it at home. She knows I do this and it upsets her knowing I am going to be cross-dressing while I'm gone. I would say I like to take my femininity kind of serious in that I like to have a smooth body while dressed because it just makes everything feel that much better, and she doesn't like me smooth at all. I don't exhibit any outward female appearance or attitude when in public but do like to wear panties whenever I can, but she doesn't know. I try to hide or keep things secret because I think I am shielding her from it but she thinks I am deliberately lying to her and hiding things from her.

I told her about my cross-dressing less than 1 year into our marriage. But one thing that has bothered me ever since is that we actually made love once while I was a bit en-femme and she swears it never happened. She helped me apply make-up and tried to make me look a little more feminine and I even wore a baby doll while we were making love. She was noticeably nervous but seemed to enjoy our love making, and now says it never happened! And I just don't know how to deal with that.



bella
1974 days ago
Is this your second marriage - if so how long have you been married to your wife. It is strange that she denies that time when you let your feminine side out. As far as the smooth preference, I think she pushing it a little there. Alot of men right now remove their hair and they're not cross dressers. Body builders have done it for years. I personally don't care either way. Sometimes we women envy, that men can be hairy and not worry about shaving LOL.

I think you need to explain to her nicely that you are willing to be discreet about it and not impose this on her. I think it was good that you were honest and told her. I'm sure she wouldn't rather have you not tell her and find out accidentally.

Maybe she confused about cross dressing, verses trans-gendering where the guys (mostly gay) dress up in elaborate gowns - like they used to have on those morning talk shows. Perhaps she just needs to learn more about it and realise it not a gay thing or related to trans-gendering. On a positive note you do love her and want to make this marriage work. You can gently remind her that other poeple have alot more serious problems and that she shouldn't let this interfere with other positive aspects of the marriage. In other words she shouldn't use the cross dressing as a 'blanket ' and cover up what's positive in the marriage. Tell her about others who have learned to not let it, get in the way of their marriage. Cross dressing doesn't negate who you are/your love for her or your marriage as a whole. I know there's even organized groups who get together and everybody dresses up in their favorite styles of all different preferences.



helenatv
1974 days ago
How would you have known this is my second marriage? We have been married 25 years this month! Is your husband a crossdresser too...you sound like you have some experience with this subject.

The older I get, the more I hate the hair on my body! And maybe it's because I keep losing it on my head but gain more all over my body! I used to ride a road bycicle quite a bit and shaved my legs then too. My legs, from about mid-thigh, are the only area on my body with hair. That way I can still wear shorts and not reveal my smooth upper legs.

I have pretty much told her everything you have said but there is still a wall between us in this area. I was away on a business trip 2 weeks ago and dressed then and she knew about it (as she always does) but she never mentioned it at all after I got home. There have been many times in our marriage that I have purged but it never lasts because it is me and I just buy all new clothes and wigs, which really gets expensive as you well know! I now have quite a collection and do not want to discard anything anymore. But I feel something has to change between us or this just might break our marriage apart! About a year ago, we had a very lengthy conversation about things and she finally got so upset that she told me that if I didn't stop that she would leave me and tell her entire family why! Well I was absolutely floored! I just couldn't imagine that she would ever do a thing like that because she isn't that kind of person, nor did I think she would hurt me like that. So you can see my confusion in all of this as it has added up over many, many years. And by the way, my ex-wife was not very understanding of it either and she participated more than once. And as nasty as our divorce got, she never threatened to expose me.

I truly appreciate your input, especially considering you are a woman. It's good to hear another woman isn't so turned-off by this after all!



bella
1973 days ago
I think I just assumed it was your second marriage, because you said that you told her after you got married - but I didn't realise that you've been married for 25yrs. So she's known this for 25yrs? I also have good intuition I guess.

No my husband isn't a cross dresser. I think I'm just a little more knowledgable about the differences between cross dressing vs trans-gendering. Also my brother (now passed) was gay and I've learned in my life to be open minded to peoples preferences and not be judgemental. I think as long as no ones being hurt and your marriage is good in every other way, then it's okay. No marriage is perfect and I think she should try to imagine that this could be alot worse - like you having an affair/substance abuse/physical abuse or lack of love. If she were to make a list of the pros and cons of the marriage - and there's only cross dressing on one side and the other has all kinds of benefits - then it should be easy for her to make a choice. Hopefully she won't use that threat against you again and don't tolerate it if she does. Even if she does tell her family, it's not the end of the world (don't care what they think). Don't let her scare you or threaten you - that's not how problems are solved.

Later on there will be more people answering (everyones at work) and you will get more opinions. I'm glad I could help from a woman's view. TC :)



Edahn
1973 days ago
Hello,

Great advice and idea from bella.

I think your conception of counseling is a bit obsolete. THIS is a form of counseling. Rather than just categorize, you can find a therapist who can help you communicate your feelings to your wife about your lifestyle and have her understand that it doesn't run into conflict with your feelings for her. It'll also give your wife a chance to do the same for you.

I get the impression, however, that your wife's problem is more that she sees it as something strange or sick. She's probably also confused because you're tampering with gender roles, and she may be unsure of how to interact with you now. You wife has also probably always expected that she would be married to someone who was masculine, so doing this probably runs into conflict with these deep expectations.

Being feminine goes beyond the clothes you wear. It's an attitude you adopt. One thing you can try is to find ways to express your femininity without actually dressing up in a way that's still socially acceptable. You could volunteer your time at places that give you an opportunity to express nurturing instincts (like working at a hospital or nonprofit). You could do things like get manicures and pedicures. You could put effort in polishing your look. You could also grow your hair out (if it isn't already) and wear it in a pony tail.

Part of this is eventually going to come down to you having to choose between your wife and your habit.



helenatv
1973 days ago
Your last statement is exactly what I don't want at all...I shouldn't have to choose.



Edahn
1973 days ago
I hope not, but I don't know if that's realistic.

Good luck.



helenatv
1973 days ago
I would hope that 25 years of marriage counts for something. Yes my wife thinks it is strange and also looks at it as an addiction that I need to take control of to stop. She was raised in a very secluded town and most of the sexual deviances from the 'norm' are strange to her...even after all these years.

I have tried to keep my nails manicured to some extent but have never actually had a manicure done. She made an appointment for me once to have a pedicure done but I am way to ticklish to let someone give me a pedicure...especially by a stranger. I have painted my toe nails before and tried to keep them colored but my wife noticed and was none too happy. I have to keep my hair short because it is so frizzy and I absolutely detest ponytails on men. I see guys with ponytails as 70's era hippies that refuse to get past that era and I just don't think that is an attractive look. I certainly wish I could have my own long hair that could be styled any feminine way I wanted it to be but I have to wear wigs instead. It may sound a bit wierd, but I absolutely love those womens shampoo and hair color commercials!

Thanks for your input.



LeftCoast
1973 days ago
helenatv,

This is just a suggestion, maybe you should check out this organization for heterosexual cross-dressers: www.tri-ess.org

I really don't have any experience with them myself, as I am MTF transsexual. I cross-dressed from about age 10, through two marriages, and finally made the leap to an actual transition at age 47, so my life experience is much different than yours. However, one of my very best cross-dressing friends is in a situation that may be similar to yours; at times, it seems very touch-and-go for them.

I wish you the best of luck



helenatv
1973 days ago
Thanks, I know of that organization but have never really pursued any help or guidance until now. You took a huge step in transitioning and I'm sure it was extremely hard on you! Thanks for the suggestion.

Helena



Clyde
1972 days ago
I too think that finding a site such as the www.tri-ess.org would be a good idea.

Also, it is important that your wife knows that you feel comfortable with HER, as well as you feeling comfortable being a cross-dresser.

She may honestly feel that it takes from her because you cross-dress, when in reality it doesnt, because in her mind she sees you wanting to be another woman or wanting another woman.

Talk to her and ask her why she is so worried about why you are cross-dressing. I feel it may have more to do with than just the one issue, but you never know until you discuss it further with her.

Best,

Clyde