Avatar Posted by tianshiz 67 days ago (Question)
I have been in college for about 3 weeks now and I met this girl who I pretty much instantly became friends with. Since then I have progressed enough with her that holding hands, hugging and putting my hands around her are not a big deal. However, she's not exactly single. She unofficially broke up with her ex because of college and still regularly receives calls from him. She seems pretty intent on the idea of continuing their relationship and she still regrets coming to the ivy league instead of the state university her ex is at.

I feel like we're at the limit of friendship here, we even share food and drinks and we're always together(often alone). She also acts differently around me than others, but still it feels like I can't progress beyond this point. If I confess to her now, it's likely that I'll be shot down and thus ruin the whole friendship. But if I don't do something soon, I will remain as the best friend forever.

Can someone provide me some advice?



Answers

Written by sempervirent 67 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I've been in this situation a few times, including in my first year of college. The girl is emotionally unavailable and you could be setting yourself up for disappointment, in addition to giving her the very reason she needs to re-validate her relationship with her ex.

What you need to realize is that girls do crave loyalty and affection, but only after you've shown that you're tough. I don't mean that you can lift weights or get in fights. Emotionally tough and resilient. Somebody that she can depend on. Women love to melt a man's cold, unemotional facade. It gives them a sense of power and accomplishment. (Several women have explained this to me, this is not my own conjecture.) If you come off like an emo pushover to start with, you will look weak and emotionally unreliable.

I'm not suggesting that you turn into a person who should calculate their emotions ahead of time. Just think about the big picture. The best thing you can do to get this girl attracted to you is to start ignoring her. If she really misses you she will come back and ask you where you went. She will become the one who pursues you. Let her melt that facade and she will see the potential for intimacy and stop worrying about her ex. She will feel ready to move on to another life, the life of being in school and meeting new people, changing and growing.

You are right to believe that confessing your attraction now is a mistake. That's true because of what I wrote above, but it's also true because many women turn cold when confronted with loving words that aren't backed up with actions. You have to take a risk – again, looking like a resilient man – and make a move. If you get shot down, then don't even think twice. She wasn't interested and you should just move on to someone else. But if you notice a personality change in her when you're together, that could be a good sign that she is receptive to a potential advance. Just back up any words with actions or you'll look like an airbag.

Written by tianshiz 67 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thanks for the great advice, I do see what you mean here. But I don't know how I'm supposed to start ignoring her. Should I completely remove her from my life for a week? Is that enough time? I'm with her everyday whenever we're free and we often visit each other's room to hang out. If I break this pattern, obviously she'll notice something is different but would it be too much and make our relationship awkward? I know that this is going to be risk either way. Chances are her 4 year relationship with her ex weighs much more than a relationship with someone she knew for less than a month. Nevertheless, I'm sure she'll wonder why I suddenly stopped hanging around so much. Initially, it'll be as a friend, but will it ever be something more?

Does anyone think that there's much of a chance here? Should I simply kill two birds with one stone and pursue a different girl?

Written by sempervirent 66 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I don't think you should avoid her completely or anything. If you're seeing her every day like that then I think you should just make your move. Just ask her to go out of town alone, or go to a movie, something that's outside of your normal routine and might look like a date... and see how she reacts.

Written by Thisisit 66 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Sorry to disagree. I learned years ago, in college with a gf still in HS at the time, that as soons as girls go to college, they want to break free from all the chains and rules that bound them at home. Let's face it -- girls are more overprotected than boys before college. I can now say this with experience.

However, since my daughter isn't old enough for college yet, I can still comfortably say that this girl IS ready to move on. You two are close, you're interested. What good is torturing yourself with this "maybe she does, maybe she doesn't" stuff if you don't get any closure. Again, I unfortunately say this as well from experience. I wish someone had told this to me.

The bottom line is GO FOR IT! How? Not by ignoring her (sorry to disagree with the nice people above). Stay with the same closeness routine you two have been going through and when it's late one night (where inhibitions are less) and you two are physically close, just give her a peck on the cheek, head, or anywhere. You'll see immediately by her response if it's a "go" or a "GO!" My guess is you'll be pleasantly surprised. (Yes, once again by experience, thank goodness.) BTW, note that I did NOT say get her drunk or take advantage of her! Do NOT do that! Just wait until a nice, calm, quiet night.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes!

Written by tianshiz 66 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thanks for the support guys! It's been very helpful! I will definitely try my best! It'd help if you guys could subscribe to this post as I'm likely gonna need some more tips later on....

Written by Clyde 49 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I definitely wouldnt tell her you love her or anything...three weeks is too short of a time, but I do like what the other poster said--ask her if she wants to catch a movie, or go to a play, stuff like that.

Get to know her!

Best,

Clyde


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