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My Fiance and I have been together for 4 years now. My fiancée is 44 and I am 24 years old. He was previously married, have no child of his own, but he has accepted his ex-wife's child, she is 22 years old. I have no choice but to accepted his decision because it was made before I came into the picture But I am having a hard time accepting her into my life.
His daughter and I did not have a problem in the beginning, we actually had a pretty descent relationship where she sometimes talk to me about her boyfriend problems. it began after we got engaged, and after we announce that we plan to have a child. My fiancée never wanted to have children, so the family was very excited that he finally wanted one.
she had began to be disrespectful to me, she would do things that would offend me and come back to me and pretend like she does nothing. It is almost like a game to her and I think she wants to get rid of me. I have come to the point where I want nothing to do with her because I think she is up to no good.
We have already set a date for the wedding in December and since we plan to have a child, my fiancée has removed his daughter's name from certain documents that does not allow her to inherit most of what he owns. She found out about this because of his ex-wife and I think that this is the reason why she want me out of the picture.
I am not perfect and I do think that I probably made the situation worst by reacting to her reactions. I have said hurtful to her just as she has said to me, but I am not the kind of person that sit around and allows someone to do what ever they want to me. I would hate to believe that all this began because of what my fiancee owns because what he owns have nothing to do with her. If he choose to give her something, it is his choice not hers. As far as I see, he took care of a child that is not his, he took responsibility for a child that is not his, and he has accepted a child that not his, I think she is old enough to understand these things and be thankful that he waited until she was an adult to want a life with someone else. I cannot understand why she would be so insecure about me because she has been in his life since she was baby.
I have spoke to my fiancée about everything and he does not have a problem with me not accepting his daughter in my life but he does not do anything about this problem. He said that he has lived his life around her and now he want a life of own but I somewhat feel very bad about the situation because he and his daughter was very close growing up. They were so close that sometime people thought they were husband and wife. And I must be honest that sometime I am jealous of their relationship and I have spoke to him about this situation. I was wondering if you think I should marry him because it seems that he does not even know what to do in this situation. I cannot live my entire life like this at all, let alone bring a child into this situation. What is your advice?
His daughter and I did not have a problem in the beginning, we actually had a pretty descent relationship where she sometimes talk to me about her boyfriend problems. it began after we got engaged, and after we announce that we plan to have a child. My fiancée never wanted to have children, so the family was very excited that he finally wanted one.
she had began to be disrespectful to me, she would do things that would offend me and come back to me and pretend like she does nothing. It is almost like a game to her and I think she wants to get rid of me. I have come to the point where I want nothing to do with her because I think she is up to no good.
We have already set a date for the wedding in December and since we plan to have a child, my fiancée has removed his daughter's name from certain documents that does not allow her to inherit most of what he owns. She found out about this because of his ex-wife and I think that this is the reason why she want me out of the picture.
I am not perfect and I do think that I probably made the situation worst by reacting to her reactions. I have said hurtful to her just as she has said to me, but I am not the kind of person that sit around and allows someone to do what ever they want to me. I would hate to believe that all this began because of what my fiancee owns because what he owns have nothing to do with her. If he choose to give her something, it is his choice not hers. As far as I see, he took care of a child that is not his, he took responsibility for a child that is not his, and he has accepted a child that not his, I think she is old enough to understand these things and be thankful that he waited until she was an adult to want a life with someone else. I cannot understand why she would be so insecure about me because she has been in his life since she was baby.
I have spoke to my fiancée about everything and he does not have a problem with me not accepting his daughter in my life but he does not do anything about this problem. He said that he has lived his life around her and now he want a life of own but I somewhat feel very bad about the situation because he and his daughter was very close growing up. They were so close that sometime people thought they were husband and wife. And I must be honest that sometime I am jealous of their relationship and I have spoke to him about this situation. I was wondering if you think I should marry him because it seems that he does not even know what to do in this situation. I cannot live my entire life like this at all, let alone bring a child into this situation. What is your advice?
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Answers
I agree this is a tough situation. I think that all three of you here should be involved, particularly your fiance. Since he's close to her, then he needs to set some boundaries with his step daughter in relation to you. It would be a long bumpy road if the 3 of you can't come to an understanding. I agree that she's most likely jealous and feels displaced since you came into the picture.
Are you uncomfortable at all with the age difference between you and your fiancee? If things go as planned and you get pregnant right away - he will be 66 when your child is 20. Twenty years is a big age difference. Does he really want children or is it because you want them so much? I'm sorry if it seems like I'm stirring up trouble, but I don't want you to be 40 and feel like you can't relate to your 60 yr. old husband. Best of luck.
You are only 2 years older than your husbands stepchild, and he is twenty years older than you. There are lots of complicated things going on in this relationship. As Bella has pointed out there are going to be generational differences between the two of you. You have already pointed out that you have behaved in ways that were not considered mature when dealing with his stepdaughter.
Your future husband built a life with his ex wife and stepdaughter and he made financial arrangements for her. He is now deciding that he doesn't want to do this. It is understandable that she is angry about this. I am not saying her behavior was right, but I am saying it's understandable that she would now feel abandoned by her father. He is shirking his responsibilities towards her. You cannot set up house and family building strong emotional bonds and then decide later on you don't want the responsibility anymore. He sounds like he didn't handle the situation well setting boundaries with his step daughter in the first marriage. He has not learned from that experience.
You have talked to your fiance and he still doesn't seem to understand the complications surrounding his stepdaughter and his involvement and responsibilities in this.
I am not sure your fiance is in a good place in his life right now to be getting married and having his own children. You are not sure about him yourself, this is telling you something.
Perhaps you need to step back a bit and give some more time to this situation before you make any solid commitments. I would want to know that my partner has resolved any previous relationships and financial arrangements well before I decided to commit to him.
This is a tough and complicated situation, Arian.
One thing I would like to suggest is for you and your fiancé to seek pre-martial counseling.
With the many issues that are going on, a real life professional can help in sorting through them. Professionals are objective and not likely to get drawn into this drama.
It sounds as though there are painful feelings for all of you.
Pre-martial counseling is making an investment in your future happiness, but it will also make a difference in the current situation.
Best Wishes
It sounds like a lot of it is due to your ages being similar, and you and your fiance wanting to have a baby together.
The daughter probably feels alienated, and feels like she isnt involved in the new family or maybe that you dont want her to be in it?
Talk some to the fiance as well as the daughter. You all may have talk together to get things accomplished, but let her know that you are not trying to push her out of the family.
Best,
Clyde