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I met this woman , single,32 with 3 boys ages 2,9,and 12 back in Dec 2006 by a mutual male friend. She had just left the father of the youngest boy and came to me for help, income verification wise, so she could get an apartment. During the initial chatter, I had realized that the ex was a mental abuser to her and the 2 oldest boys. A few days after her verification form was turned in I called her and asked if she had gotten the apt. I had found out that her application was approved but she did not have all the security deposit and was just going to walk away from it. After I asked her to meet me, I asked her when she is going to move in. She then told me that she was supposed to go sign the lease that day by 3:00 but she did not have all the security deposit. It was around 1:00. I asked her how much she was short and offered it to her. She originally refused, but after what I believe was some persuasion, she accepted the money and promised to pay it back within a couple of weeks. I asked her to call me after she signed the lease i believe for my own satisfaction. That call never came.
I am 48 she is 45, been married for 26 years. I love my wife dearly and have never considered even once of leaving her. For the last 5 years, my wife has not or can not have sex with me due to medical reasons that the doctors have not found or refuse to treat because of her age or our HMO. I have even to this date, have never pressured my wife or even hinted for sex during this time.
Over the 1st year, we talked and hung out a lot. We both share intimate secrets with each other with promises we would not tell anyone else. Sometime near the end of the 1st year, while we were talking, the subject of sex came up. She had told me voluntarily that he and our mutual friend had not had sexual relations and that she had not had sexual relations with anyone in over a year. Then i told her about my wife's problem and what i was not getting. Out of the blue she offered herself to me for a future encounter. Her children were there so at that point in time it was muted. I quickly refused explaining that I did not tell her the story as a hint to her.
OK, I am getting winded here so I will shorten this up.
Over the almost 3 years, I think I have fallen in love with her. I have without hesitation bailed her out of many financial problems. I have asked her out many times with the wife knowing that she always turned down at the last minute and when asked why, she said she did not feel comfortable because I was married. She has offered herself to me twice, the second offer I took her up on. She is the one that kissed me first.
Currently she is looking at an eviction from the apt., for reasons that the apt. complex won't say, they are not renewing her lease.
This is the part that has me confused and or concerned. She says because of the apt. issue, she is under a lot of stress and that is the reason she selectively talks to me or even wants me around. I have offered to help her with the apt. and she refuses. There have been many times that I have angered her in some way that she tells me to leave her alone for good.
Any help, suggestions is badly needed. I am going out of my mind. Thanks
I am 48 she is 45, been married for 26 years. I love my wife dearly and have never considered even once of leaving her. For the last 5 years, my wife has not or can not have sex with me due to medical reasons that the doctors have not found or refuse to treat because of her age or our HMO. I have even to this date, have never pressured my wife or even hinted for sex during this time.
Over the 1st year, we talked and hung out a lot. We both share intimate secrets with each other with promises we would not tell anyone else. Sometime near the end of the 1st year, while we were talking, the subject of sex came up. She had told me voluntarily that he and our mutual friend had not had sexual relations and that she had not had sexual relations with anyone in over a year. Then i told her about my wife's problem and what i was not getting. Out of the blue she offered herself to me for a future encounter. Her children were there so at that point in time it was muted. I quickly refused explaining that I did not tell her the story as a hint to her.
OK, I am getting winded here so I will shorten this up.
Over the almost 3 years, I think I have fallen in love with her. I have without hesitation bailed her out of many financial problems. I have asked her out many times with the wife knowing that she always turned down at the last minute and when asked why, she said she did not feel comfortable because I was married. She has offered herself to me twice, the second offer I took her up on. She is the one that kissed me first.
Currently she is looking at an eviction from the apt., for reasons that the apt. complex won't say, they are not renewing her lease.
This is the part that has me confused and or concerned. She says because of the apt. issue, she is under a lot of stress and that is the reason she selectively talks to me or even wants me around. I have offered to help her with the apt. and she refuses. There have been many times that I have angered her in some way that she tells me to leave her alone for good.
Any help, suggestions is badly needed. I am going out of my mind. Thanks
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Answers
It appears that you are attempting to buy sex from this woman, and perhaps that she is feeling that pressure. Could be she is afraid that without your help she can't keep her kids sheltered, fed, ect, and that is the reason she "hangs out" with you. In my opinion her reason for having sex with you is better than your reason for having sex with her: hers has some unselfish components, ie her kids' welfare, while yours has only selfish components, ie you're not getting any.
Maybe you need to think this through. How much money are you willing to spend per sexual encounter? Maybe all you have spent is worth one sexual encounter. Maybe you should spend more. Maybe you should help her without strings just out of the charity of your heart. Maybe you should be faithful to your sick wife.
You love your wife dearly and never considered leaving her, but you certainly considered cheating on her, right? Not only considered, but did. Love is not sex. For better or worse doesn't have an exclusionary clause regarding sexual fulfillment: I guess that could be the "worse."
Are you being used? Or are you using? I think you know.
i have always told her there were no strings and I had never as far as I know attempted to force myself on to her.
I have told both women that my wife is my highest priority. And they are both aware that I would die for either of them.
So I don't feel I am using her, but I do feel I am being blindsided.
As for my wife, she is encouraging me because of her situation, and I don't ignore her in the least bit.
I'm sorry, I just don't agree with you. From what he said, I feel that he's not using this woman as a prostitute, nor is he "cheating" on his wife if she KNOWS and ENCOURAGES him to do so. Some people have open relationships, and you really shouldn't judge.
Secondly, if this other woman is offering up to him, that's not prostitution either because he did not silicate her. I don't think his intention was to be her sugar daddy because he offered her money before the option of a sexual relationship was even put on the table. It sounds that she is using him and FEELS that she should give him sex because he does things for her. She may unintentionally feel pressured, but that's not his fault. Obviously, they have a friendship in which they can talk and be comfortable with each other. And she is probably also confused about the relationship.
That's just my opinion.
I absolutely agree with Keisha
Your responsibility and attention should be with your wife.
There is *no* excuse for cheating on her.
Play with fire, and you get burned!!
Be with your wife. Get rid of the other woman. Love does not mean sex, sex does not mean love.
Why pay for love when you have it for free at home? If you feel that you need counseling (the both of you), go for it, but if not, dont hurt your wife, and put her through this.
You both deserve better.
Best,
Clyde
I did forget to mention that I would do anything for her with no strings attached.
As for my wife, she is encouraging me because of her situation, I don't ignore her in the least bit.
Both women know that my wife is my highest priority.
Thanks for the answers/opinions.
I agree with all the posters...while you're getting caught up in whether this woman is using you or not..you seem to have completely neglected the fact that you aare cheating on your wife. Only an idiot will have pity on you with this one...dump the woman....you offered yourself to be used, you can't get upset if she took you up on your offer...further...you are pressuring her to have sex with you by offering her money.
Within the context of the situation, she is doing no wrong, you're the one with the wife.
In sickness and in health, for better or for worse....go revise your vows...not because adultery is practiced so freely in today's society gives anyone a reason to do it.
wait...your wife is encouraging you to sleep with the other woman?
as it relates to you using her...you may not think you are paying her for sex....but that is irrelevant...what is relevant, is what she thinks it is....and she clearly feels pressured by the situation and doesn't want it...but you keep forcing it on her because ur in love with her, but she is obviously not i n love with you.
This woman does not want you...it is so obvious!
This is a big mess and I don't think any of you can ever be truly happy in this situation. Figure out why your wife doesn't want sex. If your wife is your first priority then find a solution(from the doctors) for the sexual problem and work on your marriage. If you both can't make the marriage work - get a divorce. The other lady in this is fresh out of a troubled relationship and isn't ready to start a new one.
Dead on Bella.
Best,
Clyde
This is a very complicated situation.
Firstly, sex. Did you know that you can have sex without actual intercourse? And I’m not just talking about orally. There’s more to sex than just sex. People who are paralyzed from the waste down can achieve orgasm without any intercourse. There are different ways to achieve this and it’s something I would encourage you to really look into! For both you and wife. Just because your wife cannot have sex, that does not mean she is no longer sexual. She probably craves sex just as much as you and wants to have that part of your relationship to be restored. I’ll list some links below that you may want to read and do more research on. Also, seeing a sexual therapist (you and your wife) can REALLY make a big difference. It’s very self-sacrificing of your wife to allow you to get sex elsewhere, but you really need to think about her sexual and emotional needs as well. The replies I see here keep saying “love isn’t about sex†and such, but sex is a very important part of relationships. Like I said, you can have sex without intercourse and it can be just as fulfilling, and since it’s not just about “getting it up and sticking it in†it may be even deeper and more fulfilling.
Secondly, this other woman. There may be a few things going on here. In my opinion, I think you should really look into stopping this relationship and working on the sexual relationship with your wife. It may be that, since your wife can no longer fulfill an important need of a relationship, you have looked elsewhere for it (intentionally or unintentionally). Once you find that you and your wife can sustain a sexual relationship, you may no longer be in need of this other woman. Since you did find another outlet for a sexual relationship and your wife has given the okay, however, you’ve developed (understandably) feelings for this other woman. I am not involved in an “open†relationship, but I feel there’s nothing wrong with them as long as it’s consensual by your partners. Generally, though, my understanding is that there isn’t much emotional attachment to the “third party†which allows the bond and love you have with your wife to be the strongest. It sounds like you have two women you are in love with now – which is a problem. First, I would talk to you wife (even if it is a sensitive subject) about sex and the alternative ways to have sex. Also, see how she feels about this open relationship. It may be hurting her in ways you don’t know. She has been very self-sacrificing in this time and she doesn’t have to be. Second, talk to the other woman. There may be a very big miscommunication there. She may not be in love with you, and feels pressured to repay your acts with sex. Then again, she may have feelings for you as well, but does not feel comfortable being with a man who is married. What you do with that situation is really up to you and your wife.
My advice to you is to work on things with your wife. I think that should be your first priority because like I said, if the only issue is sex, there are other ways of fulfilling that need. If you are still in love with her it’s not appropriate to be in love with another woman. And I feel that if you resolve this issue, answers to your other questions will be answered.
Here are some links:
http://sexuality.about.com/od/tipstechniques/a/sexnointercours.htm
http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_300/314b_love_tip.html
http://www.nvsh.nl/skills/greatsex.htm
You may also want to look into seeing an sexual therapist that can be more in depth and create specific acts that may work.
Also, as a side note, you really should find out why your wife cannot have sex. It may be psychological or a greater underlying medical condition – I know the story of a women who had great pains when having sex and it turned out to be a torn bowl which could have killed her had it not been caught. You should really google her symptoms if a doctor will not help.