Avatar Posted by dazedandconfused 39 days ago (Question)
Hi

So I cant ever seem to sexually fantasize in a satisfying way about my partner. All my life, I have been very imaginative in my sexual imagininigs and have been able to stimulate myself and come to my satisfaction. Except whoever Im actually in a relationship with. With my first boyfriend, I just could never get into the physical side of things, although I always physiologically responded well. Mentally - just not there. With my current partner, sex is good...I think? I cant ever seem to tell. I love him loads, am attracted to him, but always seem to have this doubt if im actually enjoying as i should be. And when i sexuall fantasize about him, i seem to have an anxiety and lack of excitement that makes me come much slower and maybe not as satisfactoriy...but when i think of other people it is smooth sailing.

Am I just destined to awalys lust after what i cant have? why cant what i cave satisfy me? I dont get it. And it makes me really blue.


Answers

Written by Chemar 38 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

maybe I am misunderstanding what you have written but perhaps you are spending so much energy on your fantasy/self satisfaction that you are not able to enjoy the real thing?

Written by series0 38 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

dazedandconfused,

If you were an animal what would it be? Buzz! Wrong answer! You picked somthing real. Your animal is imaginary. This may be old-school for you, but it's relevant. Did you ever see Dr Doolittle? You are the push-me-pull-you. A two headed llama that cant help but go in both directions at once. :)

Humor aside though, this situation is real and it will be very demanding on you. So I'll try to give a few words of advice.

Do you ever feel like you might not be able to stay in any club that would be so silly as to allow you membership? Are you so fundamentally different from others that there is really no way anyone could love you adequately or properly? Are you so focused on your own je-ne-sais-quois that you cannot relaz and enjoy the moment? Your own special suffering and detatchment is what you'd rather pay attention to? Always leaping ahead to what might come of what you are doing or dwelling on the ruttish continuity with this moment and similar ones in the past?

If all things is making sense to you despite my convoluted rantings then you have a healthy dose of the enneagram 4 personality type in you. See http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/TypeFour.asp for more detailed information. Take the free test. Read on your type and get a feel for classic strengths and weaknesses.

If you do have the NEED to be SPECIAL above other needs then you should practice living in the moment. When your mind starts to wonder forward or mire back in he past stop yourself and focus on the beauty (even if its irony or slapstick) that is right there with you. Get into it. You good at it so be creative and authentic but do that along with being present, not daydreaming! Paraphrasing Yoda to Luke - Never his mind on where he is - what he is doing - (expressed by this site http://www.radicalhappiness.com/home/89-doing-what-is-in-front-of-you )

Regardless, good luck!

Written by dazedandconfused 38 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Wise words. This isnt the first time ive been advised to stay present.

I feel as though my WANTING to feel a certain way with my partner is the very thing that undermines it. Do you know what i mean? perhaps...im monitoring my own reactions so much i cant seem to find a peace of mind.

I suppose youre right, I have always felt very different from others. I have moved around my whole like and have no base anywhere. I have a history of sexual abuse and that has perhaps affected this feeling of alienation.

I want to believe in the power of change but it seems so difficult. Do you believe in change? All i want is my partner, to be sexually totally satisfied, to not feel like I am constantly undermining my own desires. But it seems impossible.

I really appreciate this response dude.

Written by sempervirent 38 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think you answered your own question:

"Am I just destined to awalys [sic] lust after what i cant have?"

This is a time-worn cliche that's hard to truly understand because we've seen it so many times in so many different contexts. But try to put away your familiarity with the phrase and truly think it through. This kind of thinking means that you will never be satisfied in a relationship. Isn't that kind of sad? You are talking about the strength of your orgasms but there's another relationship layer here that is probably more important in the long run.

Your idea of sex is about novelty, conquest, fantasy. I understand that, as I sometimes get bored after a few months of having a relationship. It's just a personal issue that you need to work through. I think the knowledge that you crave novelty is enough to get you started on a better understanding.

This kind of thinking really can self-destruct good relationships. You should really think about this and work out why you always want what you don't have. And you have to understand that whenever you get what you want, you won't want it anymore. This is a very problematic thought cycle to get stuck in.

Written by dusky1 38 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think this is really true....because I have this same problem...I get bored in relationships really quickly, actually, I can't say I get bored in the relationship because I never get into the relationship. I always meet this really nice guy, that I get tired of after a few weeks. I now prefer to have sex with guys that I'm not actully with, but I can call whenevere the need arises, no strings attached. I know this is unhealthy, but I can't seem to be sexually attracted to the guys I like, but don't see myself i n relationships with the guys I sleep with.

And I do have to think about something else to maintain my arousal while having sex...that is frustrating.

To dazedandconfused...I would suggest you talk to your partner and try getting him to understand how you feel, and maybe focus on what you like and see if he can role play or something to help you out.

Written by dazedandconfused 38 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I want so desperately to be happy with what I have. I dont WANT anyone else, I want my boyfriend who i am mad in love with. I feel constant doubts with myself, especially with my sexuality. I want to be able to just love the one im with, and sexually enjoy myself as well. Am i overanalyzing things too much?

Can I break this cycle...or am i stuck forever. I just dont know.

Written by Clyde 38 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Could you ask your partner to do some of the things you fantasize about? Would that help?

Have you been in therapy for this? Could you be sexually addicted?

Check out these links and see what you think:

http://www.sca-recovery.org

http://www.sa.org

Best,

Clyde

Written by sempervirent 38 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Sex addiction? I think that covers everyone I know. No, I think that's the wrong route to take. The problem is an unmet desire, a pattern that probably occurs outside of the bedroom as well. Having been sexually abused, some people will do whatever they can to undermine themselves. You expect to be victimized and disappointed, and if your relationship is going fine and your partner doesn't seem like they're going to sabotage your well-being, you'll find a way to do it to yourself. Serious stuff, but you can work through it. This is one of the rare instances where I'd actually recommend going to talk to a therapist. It's just so hard to find a good one. It costs a lot of money and requires a lot of trust. But I think it's worth the effort in this case. You can always work through it on your own. Apart from therapy, these issues could just stem from our old friends depression and anxiety. Nothing like exercise, regular sleep, avoidance of drugs and alcohol, and good nutrition to get over that. You may find that if you work on some of the underlying non-psychological issues in your life that the psychological ones will resolve themselves because you'll simply be thinking more clearly and optimistically.

Written by sempervirent 38 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

As dusky1's response illustrates, the issue is not limited to sex and arousal but to a lack of emotional connection and openness. A lack of trust, a lack of commitment, a general flaky kind of attitude. This is a maladaptive type of self-protection.

This is a core issue that we all have to learn to deal with on our own. One thing that's helped me is to simply become more aware of the world, more "mindful," less critical of my own emotions (which led me to be more accepting of others' emotions as well).

There was a good, simple article on mindfulness recently:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/10/12/6-steps-to-quiet-the-mind/

It's taken a lot of work but I find myself feeling much more in the moment in relationships now, instead of finding fault with my partner or wishing I was with someone else. One step is to realize that you're flawed in all kinds of ways and that's perfectly fine. This helps you more easily come to terms with any faults that your partner might have. There's no such thing as a perfect match.

Another step is to get over your collected biases about what sex is, and what it should be, and learn to simply see it for what it is (a natural part of the relationship, sometimes good, sometimes bad). Sex is the moment when you know if a relationship is going to work out or not. Truly opening up during sex involves a loss of the ego and a display of true vulnerability. If you can't get over your ego and you are too afraid to display your vulnerable side during sex, you're naturally going to find it hard to stay aroused, hard to connect with your partner, and you'll end up wanting something else... but not because it will be better, only because it's an unknown ideal that you can project your deepest needs onto. Nobody is going to live up to that ideal, because you're also failing to live up to your own ideal. Bring your expectations back to reality.

Written by smack 35 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

My actual sex life and my fantasy sex life are very different things. There are practical reasons for that and I'm happy to keep it that way.

You say you "always seem to have this doubt if im actually enjoying as i should be." I don't know what the "should" part is all about. Are you enjoying it? Do you want to enjoy it more? Those are questions that can be answered. The answers lie in reality, not in your fantasies.

Written by dazedandconfused 33 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

See...i dont really know what its about myself. I seem to have alot of ambivilence with the whole thing. I become aroused easily, and do so want to have a healthy sex life, but often when im having sex i think 'am i enjoying this?' and feel confused, maybe even feel as though i want the process to be over because i become anxious. I do want to enjoy it more - at least not be confused to my actual reactions!

Written by AppleJuiceGirl 34 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I am the same exact way! Fantasizing about my boyfriend, who I love dearly, doesn't get me "there" the same way thinking about something else does. I've found that if I fantasize about my boyfriend but change the scenario (like it was our first time, or we've just met, etc.) it helps. This has been going on with me for a while.. If you find an answer you should post it or reply to me. I'd really appreciate it!


Log in to answer or register here.