When I try and speak to my husband about anything I am unhappy about in our relationship he turns it around on me and tells me it's something about me that's the problem. I don't understand and usually end up upset and depressed. I just don't know what to do about this. It seems like I am only creating more of a problem trying to discuss my feeling withs him.


Answers


bella
2012 days ago
Hi,

its frustrating I know - I'm sure we've all experienced it, in our relationships and it's hard when you're living with the person. I think you both need to learn how to fight fairly and learn conflict resolution. It could be he's unconfortable with conflict, so he twists things around to make them your fault. It could also be that he feels like you're trying to blame him, so he feels the need to defend himself and the only way he knows is to counter attack. It's difficult to figure out if the problem is with him/you or both. When you talk to him are you expressing yourself in a calm, non-blaming way?

You could also both agree to set aside, let's say once a week, where you both knowingly sitting down to calmly discuss your problems. You agree that you'll each have a turn at expressing yourselves in a non-hurtful way - where neither is blaming the other. You can practice mirroring - where one expresses how they feel, while the other listens intentively and then mirrors back what the other said. For example you might say "I feel very hurt when you spend money without discussing it with me first". He would then say "I understand how you would feel hurt that........" You then would try to find a solution together instead of blaming the other. Sometimes you may have to agree to disagree.

If both of you cannot find a way to peacefully resolve your conflicts, then perhaps you could speak to a marriage counselor. I can unserstand how this could make you feel depressed because you then feel your frustrations are turned inward. Try to maintain your confidence and don't let it affect yourself esteem. I really think that in highschool they should teach proper conflict resolution, so they will have the skills to handle relationships in their lives. It all about fighting fairly and learning to live peacefully. Remember not to sweat the small stuff and know when it's time to take a break if the argument turns nasty. All the best. :)



jwb8496
2011 days ago
Thanks for being so forth coming in your answer I will certainly take your advice.



Edahn
2012 days ago
Sometimes you WILL be picking things that are not entirely significant, and sometimes you will be picking up on things that are very important and should be discussed. If your husband is rejecting EVERYTHING you say, then the chances are, he's refusing to talk about important things.

What you can ask for, I think, is that he try and work WITH you to help solve these things, rather than against you. That requires that he look at things the way you see them (even if he doesn't agree, and you should do the same for him), take responsibility where he should, and then figure out how to move forward together, rather than just shutting the conversation down.

I think it might help to understand HIS side, too. Why is he reluctant to talk? What is HE worried about? Sometimes it's hard for people to "break down" and talk about painful things because they're afraid of being sad, especially if they're not familiar with that feeling. I believe people are afraid that they won't know 1) how to move on from there 2) how to be themselves, who they see as someone supposed to be strong 3) whether it will ever end and 4) how it will change things. Perhaps you can give him some reassurance by saying something like "I know it's not something you really want to do. Lets just talk about it calmly and see each other's side of things and then try and figure something simple out. Maybe it's just a misunderstanding. Afterwards, we should go rent a movie." That might help allay his fears.

You should believe in yourself more. You know what's true and what's not. Your husband also needs to at least be committed to improving your communication and taking some responsibility.

If you can't work it out, maybe you could find a couple's therapist.



jwb8496
2011 days ago
Thank you for your advice and I will certainly take it. I think you are bang on about some things. I plan on using those things in future conflicts. Things aren't always so black and white especially in relationships and we all have our baggage, aye!Thanks!



saiphstar
2011 days ago
What I have seen help ME stay focused while talking in an high emotion state with my partner, Is taking notes. Yes seems stupid, but kinda like college, write down the most important facts in a time line fashion so you can keep track of What point your trying to make at the moment! GL



jwb8496
2011 days ago
Thank you for your reply. I always appreciate help. Thank you!



Clyde
2003 days ago
It does sound like he doesnt really wanna discuss issues that are important.

I agree with Bella, make sure you talk to him about the most important things and that he is listening.

For sure, if things dont work out, you may try couples counseling.

Best,

Clyde