I posted a few days ago expressing some marked paranoia about my boyfriend avoiding me. The other night he invited me over, it was pretty late in the night, I was exhausted even before I made the 20 minute drive to his house. He was practically sleeping when I arrived. We were going to just sleep, and then young hormones kicked it into high gear, and we had sex. I'm sure many people can understand this. Sometimes you just need to feel close to someone and words get lost. I've been feeling unsure about our new relationship, and we seem to have a hard time talking about the hard stuff. Or rather, I do. I've always had a hard time communicating how I feel to others. I KNOW this is a problem, every time I try to sit someone down and address my concerns, I get choked up, and I physically can't say a word. I don't want to look like some wayward child who can't get through a conversation without breaking down and crying. This is supposed to be the best experience of my life, and I can't seem to open up and address problems when they arise. I don't want to mess this up. How can I get comfortable with expressing those difficult feelings?


Answers


bella
1960 days ago
Hi Venesra,

you mentioned in your previous post that this is your first relationship and this could be why you're having difficulty expressing yourself. But you admit that it's not just with him but wuth other people as well. Do you think you have issues with self esteem and being assertive? What are you feeling unsure about? There are also differences between men and women in how they communicate, although some men are sensitive too.

You say you don't want to mess this up? This sounds like you're worried if you express yourself then he might not like you as much. You shouldn't be worried about expressing your feelings. Try writing them down first and then practice in your mind what you want to say. Then you could plan a walk in the park or a dinner out and tell him before hand, that you would like talk to him and share your feelings. You could kind of make a game out of it by saying - I get to ask 4 questions and then you get to ask 4 and so on. Do you feel he overpowers conversation or doesn't pay attention when you talk?

Good communication is very important to any relationship. Especially when there are problems it's paramount to know how to fight fairly (no yelling, swearing, put downs etc.)

Assertiveness is very important for you to learn not just towards your boyfriend but for other people as well. It doesn't mean you have an attitude but just the confidence to believe that what you say is important -sometimes you also need to use it to stick up for yourself. It's very important that you and he have a strong emotional bond as well as physical. I know new young relationships have alot of physical (sex) and not as much talking, but it sounds like you need to connect with him more emotionally. Don't be nervous just go ahead and make plans to say what you want to say. Good luck.



venesra
1960 days ago
I have had issues with my self esteem my whole life. I don't have as much trouble being assertive with friends, family or strangers, but somewhat. I'm just conflicted because I know how I feel about him, and I don't have a clue how he feels about me. Now obviously, I know that he has some strong feelings for me, otherwise we wouldn't spend so much time together, make plans and share interests and ideas. He tends to see the silver lining in most things, so I don't like to put myself down too much because I don't want him to feel like he has to always be a crutch for myself esteem, as he shouldn't. It's hard to believe it when i'm being complimented, because of old habits. I'm also very passive aggressive, so assertiveness is not a strong suit of mine. He does however, listen actively. He remembers things I have said on previous occasions and brings them up at later dates and asks me about them. He's also very attentive and always assures me, that I don't have to do anything i'm not ready for.



Edahn
1960 days ago
Force yourself until you're familiar with it, at which point it'll be easier and more fluid. A first it's gonna be tough though. That's how everyone does it. You'll notice it'll start getting a little easier bit by bit.



bella
1959 days ago
Hi venesra,

honestly it sounds like you have a very nice boyfriend. I remember your first post, mentioning that you do have self esteem issues (particularly with your weight and body). I think it's very intuitive of you to realize that your self esteem issues, could be why you're feeling insecure. Also the fact that this is your first relationship could also be why you're doubtful. You're also wise when you say you don't want to use him as a crutch and reveal your faults -wise choice.

I think you shuold relax and enjoy the moments you have together, instead of second guessing the relationship and over analizing it. Instead you should concentrate on improving your self esteem and blocking out that critical voice in your head. He picked you and wants to be with you, now you have to BELIEVE it yourself.

Are you involved in a regular exercise program? I think you would greatly benefit from it and it would help you feel more confident about yourself. It also does wonders for up- lifting your mood. The first month you'll feel exhausted, but then you'll start to feel energy and see changes in your body.

I really think you shouldn't worry anymore and just ENJOY this special time with your BF. I think he really likes you and you have to love yourself too. Best of luck.



Clyde
1955 days ago
It does take time to work through feelings of insecurity as well.

Please dont just have sex to use as an attempt to find emotional security or confidence...its not exactly the same thing.

Best,

Clyde