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A few months ago, I found out that my husband(38) of almost 2 years cheated on me(26) with 2 different women during the our engagement, and that he was still in contact with one of the women whom he pent time London "as friends" last May without me knowing. When I found out, I packed my bags and booked a flight home, but in the end I decided to stay. He claims to have cut off contact with the other women now, and also claims that he hasn't slept with the one he spent time with in London since we've been married,but it doesn't feel like enough.
I moved out of the U.S.-away from my friends, family, and job to be with someone that I no longer trust or believe in. Why did I stay? I stayed because I do love him, and I also had an opportunity to go to graduate school this term. I started school thinking that I could handle it but that was a big mistake because everything from the affairs is still unresolved in my mind which makes it difficult to concentrate, and being around all of my young single classmates is starting to make me feel like I shouldn't be tied down to a lying cheat. Basically this information has opened my eyes to the possibilities around me.
I don't know that we are going to still be together 5 years down the line, and I don't know if it's worth sticking around to find out. He knows about my ambivalence towards him, and just tells me that he wants me to stay but would understand if I left. I don't want to hurt him, not even after everthing he has done, and especially not if he is being honest with me now. How can I go if he really is trying to be a better person? And, how do I know if I should give this a real shot and stop pretending that I still think we have a future together?
There is also some background information...we've had a general lack of communication in certain aspects from the very beginning, he pretended to want kids when we were dating and changed his mind once he got me pregnant while we were engaged. He applied a lot of emotional pressure to get me to have an abortion and eventually I capitulated because I thought it was the only way to keep the relationship. Now I know that some of the cheating was going on right around the time I was still pregnant and that he was disregarding any impact on my health by having unprotected sex with these other women because he thought they were "clean". Of course, he has apologised profusely for everything. The thing is I'm not even angry with him anymore. I'm dissapointed and distrustful, but what I really want to know is if I'm wasting my time and just giving him another opportunity to pull the wool over my eyes.
My friends and family think I was nuts for staying but at the same time they get that it was my decision to make. I'm dealing with this on top of working full-time and being a part-time graduate student. I probably shouldn't have started school this term, but I don't think that I would still be here, in this country with him, if I hadn't.
He also offered to go to couple's counselling with me, but I don't have time for couple's counselling because none of the ones in the city we live in are available outside of normal office hours and I have a full-time office job. My husband's job offers more flexibiity so he could see a counsellor on his own if he wanted to, but he refuses to go by himself because he see the point since he doesn't think he has a problem anymore and "just wants to be with me" because "being married is different" from just being in a commited relationship with someone you love. I don't see how a person's propensity towards cheating would suddenly change once they are married if they cheat while they are engaged. This is my first marriage, but I'm his 3rd wife. His first 2 marriages ended due to other factors than cheating. Wow, that's everything!
I moved out of the U.S.-away from my friends, family, and job to be with someone that I no longer trust or believe in. Why did I stay? I stayed because I do love him, and I also had an opportunity to go to graduate school this term. I started school thinking that I could handle it but that was a big mistake because everything from the affairs is still unresolved in my mind which makes it difficult to concentrate, and being around all of my young single classmates is starting to make me feel like I shouldn't be tied down to a lying cheat. Basically this information has opened my eyes to the possibilities around me.
I don't know that we are going to still be together 5 years down the line, and I don't know if it's worth sticking around to find out. He knows about my ambivalence towards him, and just tells me that he wants me to stay but would understand if I left. I don't want to hurt him, not even after everthing he has done, and especially not if he is being honest with me now. How can I go if he really is trying to be a better person? And, how do I know if I should give this a real shot and stop pretending that I still think we have a future together?
There is also some background information...we've had a general lack of communication in certain aspects from the very beginning, he pretended to want kids when we were dating and changed his mind once he got me pregnant while we were engaged. He applied a lot of emotional pressure to get me to have an abortion and eventually I capitulated because I thought it was the only way to keep the relationship. Now I know that some of the cheating was going on right around the time I was still pregnant and that he was disregarding any impact on my health by having unprotected sex with these other women because he thought they were "clean". Of course, he has apologised profusely for everything. The thing is I'm not even angry with him anymore. I'm dissapointed and distrustful, but what I really want to know is if I'm wasting my time and just giving him another opportunity to pull the wool over my eyes.
My friends and family think I was nuts for staying but at the same time they get that it was my decision to make. I'm dealing with this on top of working full-time and being a part-time graduate student. I probably shouldn't have started school this term, but I don't think that I would still be here, in this country with him, if I hadn't.
He also offered to go to couple's counselling with me, but I don't have time for couple's counselling because none of the ones in the city we live in are available outside of normal office hours and I have a full-time office job. My husband's job offers more flexibiity so he could see a counsellor on his own if he wanted to, but he refuses to go by himself because he see the point since he doesn't think he has a problem anymore and "just wants to be with me" because "being married is different" from just being in a commited relationship with someone you love. I don't see how a person's propensity towards cheating would suddenly change once they are married if they cheat while they are engaged. This is my first marriage, but I'm his 3rd wife. His first 2 marriages ended due to other factors than cheating. Wow, that's everything!
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Answers
Hi Blane,
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time in your marriage. I'm also going through a difficult marriage situation myself. I have a question posted in this section. Your question IS your answer. You know it in your heart, but you just need someone objective to give you the nudge. I really think you should end the relationship. The fact that he cheated, while you were engaged and still met up with her while you were married is reason to never trust him again. If a man cheats once he'll do it again. Cheaters are liars.
Also the fact that he cheated while you were pregnant and strong-armed you into aborting the baby, shows he's very manipulative. Cheaters always know the right things to say when they get caught. Face it this is his third time around so he knows the clever things to say.
When you say he pretended to want kids-does that mean you want kids yourself? Does he have children from the previous marriages? Like you said you have to be the one to make the decision. You're still young and you have to tell yourself that you deserve a better relationship than this. And if you do want kids, then what will you do if he doesn't? I think you should run as fast as you can, back to your family and friends in the U.S. Good thing you're realizing it now when you're still young and can get out easily. Be strong and be smart and know you deserve much better than him. He won't change.
You really need to ask yourself if you are the type to forgive someone for hurting you this deeply. You can easily say you forgive him, but it may always be in the back of your mind for the rest of your realashonship. If I were you I would cut my losses, leave and never look back!
In answer to the questiona about whether he has or wants children...The answer is no. He doesn't have any children. It's a little more complicated than that. We talked about haning children when we were dating and after we got engaged. He said he wanted daughters and we even picked out names for them, but when I got pregnant he basically said that he didn't mean it. In his words,"people often make believe or pretend what their lives will be like." Apparently, it didn't mean anything to him. So, while I was making plans; he was making it up.
What's funny about all of this is that now he suddenly really wants kids, but he's willing to wait until I finish school. I think he's just telling me more of what he thinks I want to hear.
Do really want to have a relationship with this man. It's surprising to know that we can fall in love with someone who isn't ready to be married, have children and be in a committed relationship. Love doesn't conquer all. We just think that because we love someone then they would do the right thing by us.
I think there already red flags happening that are warning signs to you that you are headed for more trouble and hurt in the future. Communication is one of the essential core elements of a good healthy relationship. Communication problems are common with couples who have relationship difficulties. The other thing is that counseling can sometimes bring closure to a relationship if your having trouble leaving. Counselors never give advice or tell you what to do. But they help you to sort out your feelings and thoughts, and they do support you and provide you with skills to get you through trouble.
A problem in a relationship is shared by two people. Therefore is requires two people to be in counseling and to work hard if that is the road you want to take. How important is this relationship to you, if you are willing to commit to working on it, then you are going to have to put time aside for counseling. A good place to get some help could be from your college they often have free counseling services and that might be a place you can get some support and skills from and then take them home for both of you to work on.
Are the two of you on the same page, when it comes to values about life, what kind of marriage or relationship you want. What kind of family you want. These are the questions you need to sit down with your partner to find out.
Well. Tough. I think you need to ask what's at the bottom of his personality. Is he responsible? Is he trustworthy? It he a good person? Does he look like he's going to lie to you? Does he seem to be truly over that? You know him better than any of us. Whatever you decide, stick to it and do your best to enjoy your husband and relationship.
Thank you all for your comments. I guess I do know what I want to do, but I'm just not certain how to do it; especially after the argument we had last night. It started off as a question from me about if he was in contact with any of his ex's who might want somthing more, then he got offended. This led to arguments about all sorts of unresolved issues. My husband told me that he was angry that I hadn't acknowledged that he had changed, or how much it had cost him to give up his friendships with his ex-girlfriends to make me more comfortable.It hasn't even been a full 4 months since I found out about all of this,so how am I supposed to acknowledge that he's changed when I don't know that he in fact has changed?
My husband believes that the fact that he able to cut off his sexual relationships with other women before he married me and isn't still sleeping around, should indicate that he has a different mind-set and therefore has changed. Maybe those things would matter more if he had been honest with me about everything before actually marrying me. If I hadn't just learned about all of this a few months ago, then I could have made an informed decision...and maybe I would have still married him with my eyes wide open. And, maybe the fact that he met with one of his ex's for a few hours without telling me wouldn't have pissed me off so much. Actually, I think I would have still been pissed off about that meeting because it was with one of the women he cheated on me with and I just don't think that was a considerate or honest thing to do.
Last night he tried to convince me that it was not normal for him to have to blow off his ex's, and said that he did it to make me more comfortable. So, you see how we have a fundamental problem here. I don't trust him because he cheated, and I don't think it's normal to want to be friends with someone that you cheated on your partner with regardless of whether anything is still going on.
My husband has a lot of emotional baggage and feels the need to reply to emails from any ex that contacts him. None of his ex's, except the one in London and his 2nd wife even knew he was married to me before I found out about the affair because he claims that he didn't want to upset them or ruin the friendships. He says that he also didn't think it was any of their business. Now, it's not like he was exchanging romantic emails with any of them. I've seen some of the emails and they were friendly, and whenever someone tried to cross the line (by flirting or saying they missed him) he ignored that part of their email in his reply; but I think I'm stuck on the principal. He was still in contact with these women for however long and they didn't know he was married. When my ex's email me, as they do from time to time, and ask me what is new with my life, the fact that I am married now is always one of the first things I mention in my emails. I don't do it to be hurtful; i just see the disclosure as an indicator that any emails exchanged between us are going to be non-romantic in nature (just in case). Meanwhile, my husband actually apologized to one of his ex-girlfriends for not telling her that he wa married after I found out about everything. He wrote "I hope you understand why I didn't tell you" in the email. And, another one of his ex's, from before we met, emailed him last month after 5 years. she asked him about his move because she'd found out about him moving abroad online. He said that he told her that he was married. She replied and said that she hoped he was happy and that was the end of it.
Even if that's true...I think the fact that he wouldn't have necesarily mentioned the fact that he was married if she had emailed him 5 months ago speaks volumes.
He thinks that I am upset about the wrong things, and maybe some of you out there will agree, but maybe not.
I'm unhappy about getting married to someone who hasn't acted like he actually wanted to be married in the past. I'm unhappy about the cheating, the lying, and what the fact that he didn't tell his ex's about our marriage implies. Are there any men out there who can shed some light on this? If an old ex contacted you after however long, then would you feel obligated to tell them that you were married? And, would you ever think it was okay to spend time with someone that you cheated on your wife, or fiance with (even if the sexual part of your relationship with this person was definitely over)?
I feel conflicted because there is a part of me that wants to stay in this relationship. I love him even now that I know how badly he has treated me. I also know that love may not be enough. I can't afford to make any more emotionally driven decisions where he is concerned just because there's a part of me that has unconditional love for him; I have to make a smart choice. The smart choice involves hurting someone I love to save someone I love even more from the stress and possibility of more heartache that this relationship entails: myself. Maybe my husband really believes that he will be faithful to me from now on because of the fact that he cut off his sexual relationships with other women before he actually married me,but I don't believe that he won't ever cheat on me again. Is being married somehow fundamentally different in terms of cheating?
Hi Blane,
this sounds so very complicated for a young woman like you. I can totally see your point of view. I still believe that if a man cheats he'll do it again. He may try to be on his best behavior but when the going gets rough he'll weaken. He needs to put himself in your shoes and imagine how he would feel.
It's sounds like he's a man who doesn't like to burn bridges and that's okay to a point. He certainly should have told his ex's that he is married to you.
I understand about the concept of unconditional love but not when the other partner behaves like that. I believe in unconditional love for my children but not my husband. Love shouldn't hurt - marriage is built on trust and repect for each other.
I think your husband has serious commitment issues - evident from his 2 previous marriages. What ever happened to the good old days of marrying till death do you part. You're young with no children. You need to tell yourself that you deserve better in life. You don't want to end up like me after 30 yrs. of marriage- finding it difficult to start over. Since we're talking honestly here I would practice safe sex with him only. I would also get tested for all STD's considering he's been around so much. You're still young and a little niave so be careful, he'll have an answer for everything. I hopes everything works out for you.
Now, I'm going to go against the grain a bit.
I personally feel relationships can rebound and thrive even after cheating. Yup, I said it. I do think its possible HOWEVER it takes the right people, the right reasons, true change, remorse, understanding, the ability to forgive, and most importantly, Christ. I know that it turns a lot of people off to hear that, but.. its true. Trust me on that one.
Now, I am also curious .. you stated you moved from the States to be with this man. Could his culture have any bearing on how he views relationships? Often, people from different cultural backgrounds may have misgivings about what is considered acceptable and unacceptable with the other person. Obviously, each major culture has their views on what is proper and what is not. Is it possible you walked into a situation you were not prepared for?
Now, there seems to be a LOT of other baggage going on with you two and your relationship. Perhaps stuff that was overloooked before you got married. It looks like a lot of red flags were missed. Honestly, even not knowing he was cheating, there seems to be some other things that should have stopped you from getting married; however, I do think that now you are married, you should do everything humanly possible to save it.. and by you, I mean you BOTH. If in the end it doesn't work out, then part ways. But make sure you are doing whatever you can - even if that means taking off work early once a month to talk to a counselor. He should be 100% willing to show you his cell phone bill, IM history logs, etc.... He has given you reason to distrust him and if he wants the marriage to work, then he needs to work 10 fold.
Cris
Cris,
He is American like me so there aren't any cultural differences to speak of. My husband likes to have his privacy so he's not going to give me access to his emails or anything like that. Believe me on this, I already offered to exchange passwords and he wasn't having any of that at all. Basically I'm in a situation where I will either trust him or not and all I have to go on are my senses. I get to observe his behaviour, hear what he says and base my opinion on that. There are certain things that he's just not going to do and he will make up a million and one reasons why he won't do those things.
I agree with Bella. Your question IS your answer.
Best,
Clyde