Avatar Posted by DefendingMyCastle 328 days ago (Question)
For the last 2 months my husband has been communicating every day and sometimes all day with his high school girl friend on email, IM, and occasionally the phone. He is open about some things but not everything. We communicate better now, have more intimacy, and seem to, if this person wasn't around, be on a better path than we ever have been. But I know that conversation between them has been inappropriate at times and from her end especially, she wants to have a physical relationship with him. He tells me "words is words" and that all of this will work out... that he loves me very much... that he would never leave me... and that he is not stupid enough to do anything to hurt us. But this is hurting us. If I say too much, I am controlling him and he pushes back by having more contact with her. I feel in my heart that he will give in to his guilt and end this on his own terms when it's time. We are on two separate coasts of the US, but I believe that she is planning to come here for a visit with her father. He wants them to have dinner, talk, and share a bottle of wine. He says he knows what is respectful and will not do anything to disrespect me. I only know some things about their words to each other by stealth (which he knows about to an extent as I have admitted it). Am I a fool? We have a daughter together and I love him. We've been together 20 years (dating and married). I think we can make it through healing, but I don't know how to get to the healing part.


Answers

Written by Edahn 327 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

WTF dinner? Totally inappropriate, in my opinion. When you get married, you agree to commit to your parter and give up certain areas of your life. Ex girlfriends is an obvious one. Of course he doesn't want to give this up because it's fun and arousing, but that's what a relationship and maturity are all about.

I think you should tell him what you told us, as well as what I wrote above. You could ask him to imagine how HE would feel if you started hanging out and flirting with your ex lovers and invited them over.

This is hard to communicate effectively. I would try just opening your heart up, not letting him shut you down, sticking to what you know is right (that his relationship is completely uncool and hurtful), staying confident that YOU'RE not to blame for this, and being very firm and serious. He's disrespecting you by doing this. I wouldn't stand for it and neither should you.

Written by Clyde 326 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Words is words?

His words speak lots of action, dont you think?

You are not to blame for this at all.

You are just a victim in the spirality of it all.

Please talk to him, get him to stop and seek counseling, or move on. I know you dont wanna leave or hurt him, but he is hurting you.

Best,

Clyde

Written by prsnrinpdx 326 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Are you kidding me? You need to realize that you are completely in the right here about being upset. Now, go get yourself a backbone and stand your ground as his wife! This guy is is treating you with such blatant disrespect, right in front of you, do you really think when your not around he suddenly grows respect for you and your marriage? Get out of denial, he is having his emotional cake and eating it too. If she is saying innappropriate things to him, shouldn't he recognize that, and out of respect for you say, Whoa!!! I'm married and that's just not cool. But does he? And you are worried about what? Making him upset if you stand your ground? COME ON! Nobody likes a doormat, including your husband. You don't have to whine, just make it loud and calmly clear, this shit isn't gonna fly anymore! He just might get a little turned on by you, instead of her. BACKBONE WOMAN. Get some.


Log in to answer or register here.