Avatar Posted by koum9870 49 days ago (Question)
I have been dating this guy for a year and a half. In the first few months of being together we both fell in love with each other. He would tell me how I was the perfect girl for him, I was his soulmate, his true love, and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He would ask me to marry him and I would say yes, but we weren't public about it because it wasn't "official" it was just something we knew we both wanted. I moved in with him for awhile and everything was truly wonderful. I had just graduated college and my Mother made me move back home to start saving up money. I was worried that my boyfriend would feel the distance was too straining and break up with me, but he assured me that our love was strong and that we would find a way to be together. The moment I moved back home I knew I made a mistake leaving him- I just never felt like I was where I was supposed to be. He came to visit for a week three weeks after I moved and things were still just as wonderful as ever. He told me he wanted to officially marry me, so he said to start planning for the summer of 2011. I was ecstatic. I am an actor- and I recently had to go to New York for a callback. While I was there, I noticed his text messages seemed vague and uninterested. I also noticed if he said he loved me, it was only because I said it first. About halfway through my trip, he told me that it was too painful being away from me and that we needed to figure out something to do or we needed to take a break until we could be together again. I was devastated. I accused him of giving me an unfair ultimadum and that he was being selfish. Once I calmed down, I realized that my love for him was stronger than anything else and I wanted to be with him. I told him I would move back to him, but he said that he couldn't trust what I say anymore because of the way I flip flopped on my desicion. When flying back from New York I had a layover in his town and I decided to not get on my next plane so I could spend a few days working things out with him face to face. Almost the minute I got there he was passionatly kissing me and telling me how much he missed me. The next day he tried to break up with me. Needles to say I went a little crazy. I was so angry that I punched him in the arm. He calmed me down and said that he would give me this second chance for the next 10 days I was there. Everyday was difficult because one minute he would be sweet and intimate, the next he'd be cold and shut off. He said that the distance coupled with his not trusting of me anymore made him start to fall out of love with me. I also found out that he had feelings for a friend of mine. When I confronted him about it he said that it was merely and infatuation, but I still felt jealous, betrayed, and suspicious. When it was time for me to leave, he told me he wanted a break- he needed time apart. He told me he wanted a month away from me. I agreed, but was still crying. He told me that he still had hope that we were going to be able to work things out after this break and be together again. He said he still loves me and told me to not say good-bye, because it wans't good bye and he'd see me in a month. After a few days of silence and emotional torture, I had to call him and talk to him about a few things only he could understand (in that time we dated he became like a best friend to me). We started talking about us again and I noticed something odd about the way he was talking about us. He basically said that this break really means nothing- that we are over for good...for now. He said that he needs a lot of time away from me to learn to trust me and not be afraid of me (he said after I punched him he became afraid that I was going to hurt him agai), but that he knew we were going to get back together again. When I asked him if he was still in love with me he said no. I asked him why he lied to me at the airport and he said it was because he was afraid of me. I was completely shattered. That evening he kept telling me how he knew we were going to get back together within the next year. The conversation continued until the next day when I flat out asked him if he wanted to date other people- he said he didn't know, but that if we date other people it would help us forget about the pain and trust issues we now have with each other. He said he needed time to grow up. I told him that if he truly believes that we would get back together- then why would he string people along in the meantime? I aslo mentioned that if he wanted so badly to "grow up" that running away and ignoring his problems instead of taking responsibility for them just shows his immaturity and denial of adulthood. You can't learn to trust me in someone elses arms, you can't learn to not be afraid of me if your kissing someone else, you can't feel better about the pain you've caused me if dating other women cause me more pain. He was quiet for awhile and said that I had really opened his eyes and that I was absolutely right. He told me he wasn't going to see anyone else- that he was going to work things out alone. He also said that he still loves me. When I asked him about what he said the day before- he said he meant he wasn't madly in love with me, but he still was in love with me. We have decided to keep minimal contact for awhile, and he doesn't want any phone calls or texts saying anything about love or missing him. He asked me what would be my "dream timeline" for our relationship right now. I told him that I knew we both needed time to forgive each other and ourselves and also leave the past in the past so we only bring the now into what we try to rebuild. I said that I think a year would be too long- that we would get over each other and not even have the want to try- so I said I could see us trying to date each other again in December. I would almost hope for November, but I knew that it would probably be too soon for him. He said that he completely understood where I was coming from and thinks that it was a good idea and that we'd have to play it by ear.

So now here I am. I'm planning my trip to move back up to where he is, I'm getting my own place and he said we are going to try to go very slowly and earn back each others trust as friends, then lovers. Even with that kind of assurance, I'm still extremely depressed and axious. I know that a huge part of all this pain in the first place was that he feels like if I moved back up to where he is, the next time we have an argument, I would hang it over his head that he ruined my life and career. When I assured him that I would never do that, he didn't quite believe me. I know he fears that he is ruining my life, that he doesn't deserve me and that I'm too good for him, but I'm hoping when he sees how happy I am just to be back in that town, he'll see that this was my choice, and I would never hold him against that.

I have lost almost 15 pounds in the past 3 weeks. For the first week I could only sleep 3 hours a night. Now I can sleep 7 or 8 but the moment I open my eyes I have an anxiety attack about how much I miss him and want to talk to him. I can't help, but go onto his facebook or myspace everyday and just look at him. I'm a smart girl, I have always been very happy and positive and faithful that pain doens't last forever. Three years ago I lost my father, and even though I was in a different kind of depression, I always knew I'd pull through it. With this it feels like I'm going to be empty forever until I can make things right with him. I still feel incredibly guilty for yelling at him, making him feel bad about himself, and hitting him. I have never been so hysterical in my life. I told him I would go to counseling to try and work through it. I aslo feel incredibly confused about the way he kind of flip flops his emotions. He has a tendency to cover up his true fears and true feelings with other issues. He also has a tendency to punish me over little things to make him feel better. I just have to idea- after having him in my life every single day for almost 2 years- how to not talk to him and not freak out that he's going to change my mind.

How do I get past all this pain I'm feeling? I've tried to go out and distract myself but it makes me think of him more. How do I get better at not talking to him? How can I show him how to trust me again and not be afraid of me? I know nothing helps but time- but I feel so incredibly impatient and helpless. I feel lost in pain. How can I get through this and have strength to start over? How can I be there for him when he is so confused as well? I know this was long...but I could really use some advice.


Answers

Written by Chemar 49 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi

sorry for all the upset you have been through

it really sounds to me like the two of you probably will benefit from some time apart to re-evaluate your feelings and commitment to one another

it really isnt possible to tell you how to cope with this other than to encourage you to give him the space he says he needs. If he truly loves you, he will be able to understand your outbursts and move forward with you. But unless you give him the time and space he needs to work thru this, you may just make him feel cornered and drive him further away

hoping things work out for you

Written by Clyde 45 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think you need to let him alone for a good while. Personally, I think forever would be a good time, but I do agree also with Chemar that you could let it play out for a bit and see where that leads you.

Do not force it. If he does love you, and this is a very big if, he will understand that you have every right to be upset and angry at the way he acts.

Best,

Clyde


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