My boyfriend has a fear of sex. He gets panic attacks anytime we attempt to have sex and even in foreplay. We've been together for almost two years and I can count on one hand the number of times he's been able to maintain an erection when we fool around. He tells me that it's nothing to worry about when I try and talk to him about it and avoids any sex related questions altogether. His lack of physical interest in me often makes me feel unappreciated, unattractive, and like maybe its just me he isn't into. It's doing quite the number on my self esteem.

So I guess my specific question is two fold. One, how do I help him get over his fear without making the relationship awkward or feeling like I'm pressuring him?

And two, how do I not feel like crap about myself because of his lack of interest?


Answers


bella
1399 days ago
Hi Gwin - how old is your BF? If this is an older man, I would have different recommendations and the causes would also be different. I'm going to assume your BF is young and I suspect he has anxiety related problems which are causing him 'performance anxiety'. If this is what he has, you shouldn't take it personal - every man wants to maintain an erection and please their partner. This is very difficult and embarrassing for him - this is why he avoids being intimate.

Can you nicely talk with him and find out some specific things like how long this has been happening and does he feel uptight about this. He should tell his doctor and reassure him not to be embarrassed - this is a common problem. You can help by not taking it personal, being patient and not making an issue when he's unable to keep the erection.

I also suggest not having intercourse for a while and just enjoy foreplay, so he could relax. Concentrate on satisfying him/yourself other ways. There are some antidepressants that are helpful with anxiety related erection problems but he would need an accurate diagnosis 1st.

There are also male Kegal exercises - the way to identify the muscle - if he pees and stops mid flow - this is the Kegal exercise. Of course he doesn't have to do while peeing but I wanted to explain the muscle involved. While having intercourse he can squeeze the base of the penis - this helps sometimes. Does he watch a lot of porn -sometimes men can become desensitized to regular sex because they only respond to what they see with porn. Try not to think it's you and he needs your support and reassurance. Good luck.



GwinG
1399 days ago
Thanks,

As to the info you requested: He is only 20, and both of us are virgins.

We have talked about it, and he knows I'm aware of his fear. He's spoken to a doctor, so there is nothing physically wrong with him. As far as I know, he doesn't watch porn at all. He says he thinks it's awkward and an invasion of privacy. He does look at "erotica" (I didn't know the difference but apparently porn is watching people have sex and erotica is pictures of almost naked women) but I wouldn't be able to tell you how often.

The chance to engage in foreplay is pretty rare since he says he won't fool around with other people in the house and avoids being in my apartment or his house when there is no one else around.



bella
1399 days ago
Thanks for the reply. Have you and your BF got to the point of trying penetration but unable to? Does he want to have sex and is it strong morals holding him back or just anxiety?



GwinG
1399 days ago
Yes and maybe. He has morals but not really any that I can discern about sex.



MountainLion
1399 days ago
Your BF may have Anxiety around sexuall intercourse. It has nothing to do with you or your attractiveness. Anxiety is one of the most common factors that cause what you experienced with him.



GwinG
1399 days ago
How can I help him get over it?



Viza
1399 days ago
I feel a little awkward giving sex advise to virgins, lol.

So to start off I will just say make sure this is something you both want. Don't allow the goal to make sex happen override other factors, like what a huge decision it is to sleep with someone in the first place.

If this problem is that progressed, that it is a huge issue, and you said he has been cleared as physically healthy, there may be the possibility of consulting a psychotherapist who can help uncover the root of his anxiety before proceeding further.

In the mean time, I wonder if you have ever tried exploring physical intimacy that is not focused on penis related activities. Like walking around the house naked and becoming comfortable with your bodies. You can shower together. Lay next to each other naked and just caress each others arms, breathe together, and simply explore the structure of each others bodies.

Take the pressure off the penis to fulfill a function. Don't expect anything from it, just explore and become more intimate and accepting of each other.

If the urge arises to become more intimate, the movements start happening and you are both showing more interest, just roll with that. Don't try to take it to the next level. Just keep doing what you are doing. If it doesn't, who cares? Just keep exploring each others bodies for the sake of getting to know each other.

Pay attention to sighs, deep or increased breathing, and what you are doing when that occurs. If nothing occurs just show love to each other through touch. Give each other naked back massages. To be honest, sometimes this can even be better than sex itself.

Other than that there are some foods that have been known to increase libido. Like oysters, avocado, or chocolate. Don't expect a quick solution unless you have consulted a doctor regarding other more extensive treatments.

Just continue having patience with each other, and develop a healthy physical relationship without sex. The rest should work itself out, and if it doesn't that will be enough to sustain your relationship through more extensive research into the problem.

And if all else fails......

Barry White.



GwinG
1399 days ago
......That is possibly the most useful thing anyone I've talked to about this has ever recommended. Thanks...a lot.



bella
1399 days ago
^^^^^

Very good post Viza. Lol Barry White - good mood setter.



Viza
1399 days ago
Lol, Thanks Bella, I enjoy reading your answers as well.



stressed_out
1398 days ago
he could be just scared to change the way things are going for u guys.

he could b just scared to move things to a different level i would say mayb fool around. or mayb ask him what a matter i wouldnt brake up with a girl because she didnt want to have sex even after 2 years though mayb i'm only sayin that beacuse i'm a virgin 2 and i'm around his age as well. there are some good guys out there that dont always think of the "s" word. maybe u should say hot shit mayb to make it better when ya fooling around "like ur horny" or sumthin i dunno lol i wouldnt rush into sex unless both party's would want it but there are other wayz to go bout it maybe do it with cloths on or try something like that could work



stressed_out
1398 days ago
personally i like dont like the part around running round the house naked. lol