Avatar Posted by KateH 37 days ago (Question)
I cant get my fiance to stop watching porn. Ive told him more than enough times to please stop and hes been going behind my back and and still watching it.I have even wrote a note to him telling him why i get so upset over it and he just seems to not understand were im coming from. Hes basically addicted to it.

In the note i told him that it makes me feel like im not good enough for him, it makes me feel like im not pretty enough, makes me feel like he would like me to do it more often but its like once or twice daily we do. i told him how it makes me feel like im not doing good enough job and im not exicting.

whenever i bring it up he tells me that im his first real love and that he just does it and doesn't think about and he also says that he doesn't understand why i dislike it so much because hes one friends gf lets him watch it but i've told him that there not us and i feel differently about it and i realize that he has done it before i was with him but i think its time to stop we been together for a year and he knows that ive felt this way all along but he just wont stop .
Im even had dream about it this morning, im my dream i woke up and looked next to me and he was doing his thing and it ended after that. but when i actually did wake up from the dream sure enough that was exactly what he was doing.i told him about the dream and he thought nothing of it.

if theres any suggestions i greatly appreciate it cause i don't know what to do anymore and i want to be with him for the rest of my life so please help me out.


Answers

Written by Chemar 37 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi

I have pretty firm views on porn so others may not agree.

I feel that unless there is mutual consent about it, it is destructive to a relationship, just like most other addictions are. Except in this case, just as you feel, the other partner almost feels cheated on and diminished. I personally dont agree with the "there is nothing wrong with it" attitude that seems to have pervaded since it became so freely available via the internet.

IMHO your fiance has to decide what means more to him...his porn or you. it doesn't matter how many other people do it, it is *you* that should matter most to him.

perhaps you could be honest and let him know this just isnt something you can live with. If he doesnt feel able to stop on his own, then maybe he will agree to go to couples counseling with you so that you two can work thru this with a professional.

as I mentioned at the outset, I know my views on porn may be "old fashioned" but I dont see a relationship where you are having to share him with it working

I hope he realizes that losing you will not be worth it

Written by Clyde 37 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I also feel it can definitely be destructive to a relationship. Here are two links you may be able to get him to go to if you can get him to try and help himself:

http://www.sca-recovery.org

http://www.sa.org

He should understand that you are his main and important thing in life. You may see if he would go to counseling or whatever, but other than that and the links, you have tried to help.

I would not give him a lot more chances, especially if the relationship continues to suffer.

Best,

Clyde

Written by bellacutie 36 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree with Clyde and Chemar - it's destructive to relationships. It's also destructive to a man's sex life and can cause desensitization problems. This has nothing to do with you, so please don't let this affect your self esteem. It's sounds like he's addicted to porn and he may even be addicted to sex - since you mentioned you/he do it 2 times a day. If he's not willing to get help you may need to consider ending the relationship.

Written by Fpsy 35 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

It seems to me that your fiance is putting his needs before yours. He is not listening to how this makes you feel, and is ignoring your feelings.

I want to reassure you that not all men look at porn. You might assume this and your fiance might tell you, but there are many men that find porn degrading to women and don't find satisfaction in watching women service a man sexually purely for his own needs.

You have every right to be angry and annoyed with your fiance for ignoring your feelings. He might be using porn to deal with stress in his life or other negative feelings, either way its not a healthy coping strategy.

He is essentially saying that this is your problem to deal with. But a problem in a relationship is shared by two people and requires two people to resolve it.

If you really love your fiance and the two of you want to stay committed to working on the relationship then you are going to require the help of a relationship counselor.

If your fiance is unwilling to go with you, then you may benefit from going on your own in helping you process this difficult time and to decide whether or not you want to continue to remain in a relationship with your partner.


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