I am married w/2 kids and love my wife dearly, over the past 4 months I have seen a change in her. She was alive, loud, confident and interested in sex. Now I found out she was having an emotional affair. I know that it never got beyond kissing and she broke it off before I found out. I gathered evidence and I confronted her and she admitted it. She told me that he lit something in her, made her feel sexy and like a woman, not just a mom and wife.

My problems are as follows:

She still sees the guy occasionally at work, and him still lurking out there bothers me.

I want to confront him, but she wishes I wouldn't because of the embarrassment.

How do I trust her again, she seems upset but only because of the inconvenience, she is not being as tender or reassuring as I would like and I am for the first time very needy of her love.

Part of me is thinking that if she cant be here for me now in my time of need, perhaps I should get out of this.


Answers


Mattie58
2154 days ago
I don't think confronting the guy is going to get to the root of the problem, which is that your marriage has gone astray. He's just a symptom, not a cause. I would guess that somehow things got adversarial or unsupportive between the two of you -- something you no doubt both contributed to -- and she took an unhelpful way to deal with it. Instead of facing things directly, in other words, she drew a third party in to distract from the real issues. This is what you would also be doing if you focused your emotions on the guy. What you need to do is to cut off the "escape hatches" and deal with each other. It may require a good counselor to do this, and feelings can be strong and it's hard to see how to proceed without a cooler perspective. The good news, as I see it, is that your wife cut off things with this guy before they went further than they did. It sounds as if she wants to repair the marriage, but doesn't know how. And now she has made it more complicated by starting to stray (even though in the end she didn't go through with it). Both of you are no doubt hurting and feeling neglected. I wouldn't walk away, though, without giving it a good honest try. Marriages have come back from far worse. You especially owe it to your two kids -- and to yourself, since you can still feel your love for her. With your statement that you do love her, and her turning away from an affair (even though late in the game), my guess is that you still have a lot of caring going for you, hidden under pain and misunderstandings. In addition to finding a good counselor, you might look at Harville Hendrix's book, "Getting the Love You Want," which talks about why marriages start to go astray and suggests actions to help put them back together.



Clyde
2152 days ago
I can understand wanting to confront the guy--but what good would it do you in the long run?

You would still be with the wife, and would it honestly make you feel better in the long run?

You are right that it may be hard to get a feeling of trusting back again.

The best way is to start anew and fresh with each other. DO not NOT talk about it, talk about it and see what you can do to work things out.

A good marriage counselor will help you in your endeavors. Again, do not go for the guy, cause all that this might do is mess up your marriage more, cause the man to press charges against you, and/or dissolve the situation quicker.

Best,

Clyde



philipmorris
1701 days ago
I wouldnt suggest confronting him. I am in a similar situation. I wanted to cause him physical pain that I felt emotionally. I figured, what good would become of it. I wouldnt feel better emotionally about it. Well, maybe for a little while. But I thought, this guy isnt worth my time or my effort. That time and effort needs to be spent with my wife- talking, learning and trying to figure out the next baby step to take to figure it all out.