I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair for 4-5 months with a co-worker then a few years later, another incident occurred. Much of the first interaction was via e-mail filled with sexual innuendo with mentions of face to face contact. We were leaving the state for another job and the interaction ended with them kissing on more than one occasion. His explanation was that it was a "goodbye kiss and nothing more". From his e-mail to me after being found out: "First, let's be clear what was and was not: This was not an affair, not a prelude to an affair, not a series of trysts, not a beginning. This was a co-worker who became a friend who then, on the very last hour of the very last day fished for a kiss because it would go, could go no further. Understand: this was a good bye. Thus it began and ended." Yet this explanation doesn't match the e-mail evidence that I found. She asked for "do-overs" and he complied, more than once it seems. And she gushes about how excellent he is at that. Doesn't sound like a peck on the cheek to me.

The next incident occurred when he went to a conference in Las Veagas, of all places. I discovered rapid fire instant messages between them which were being sent under the noses of me and the kids - on Valentine's Day. From one of his replies to me: "I haven’t had an affair, and it’s ridiculous to continue to assert that I have. An “emotional affair” is just nonsense, the kind of pseudo-psychological-sin that they use to whip up the neuroses of readers of women’s monthlies--might as well accuse me of having an emotional affair with Mike ..... because of our long bull sessions over coffee and beer and cheeseburgers (I spent far more time with Mike last week than with Jami). I really enjoyed that time--did a lot of science, talked a lot of smack, etc. Even had a lot of humorous texts and emails throughout the meeting."

Before these incidents our relationship was in a bad place - for the both of us. He made the choice to involve other women. I didn't.
He eludes to the fact that he should get credit for not letting it go any further with these women - like he's the hero. How can I move past these incidents when he doesn't think he's done anything wrong?


Answers


Chemar
1367 days ago
Hi

I am probably not too objective about this because I firmly feel that trust and faithfulness go far deeper than someone only being physical/sexual unfaithful, so yes, it seems to me he has overstepped and yes, he should not indulge himself in such flirtations when he is married. Where it is good he didn't let it go further, he should acknowledge that it was wrong of him to even go as far as he did, and sorry but kissing another woman does cross the line too. It sounds like he tried to self-justify his actions and so I don't really know how to advise you to get past something that he will not acknowledge as being a cause of hurt for you.

I do also feel it so wrong for people to be snooping into their partner's email and phone etc...even tho yes, it revealed stuff to you that he shouldn't be doing, still, that doesn't make it ok for you to do that either

do you think he would agree to go to marital counseling? Perhaps discussing this in neutral territory with a trained professional will help him realize why all this has been so hurtful to you, and also help you both work through whatever else is wrong in the relationship



MSCREE8TIVE
1367 days ago
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bella
1367 days ago
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Fpsych
1366 days ago
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MSCREE8TIVE
1366 days ago
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Thisisit
1366 days ago
I'm a guy. Kissing is not right. Snooping isn't either, but I'd take the latter over the former. Emotional Relationships are a means of keeping alive the hope and possibility of Physical Relationships.



professorvicki
1366 days ago
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MSCREE8TIVE
1365 days ago
you can hide my comments all you want. nothing will change until you take the necessary steps to gain confidence and get rid of him. it really is that simple. he is not going to change. you said it yourself in the title here. AND HE WON'T CHANGE WHAT HE DOES NOT ACKNOWLEDGE. and he is not acknowledging it because you are putting up with it all this time.