Avatar Posted by Cristalh1023 1466 days ago (Question)
My ex is having a baby with someone else after just one month of ending our relationship. I've been having a very difficult time dealing with this. When me and my ex-boyfriend broke up we tried to be friends and hang out from time to time one day out of know where he told me we couldn’t be friends anymore he didn’t give me a clear explanation he just told me he didn’t want me to start to cling to him again. We haven’t spoken since. Later I found out the girl was pregnant at that same particular time and he had made her his girlfriend. I guess she was a rebound gone wrong and he is just taking responsibility for his actions but it still hurts . I try to avoid my ex but I still see him all the time with his new pregnant girlfriend and we don’t say anything to each other. He completely ignores. Out of this entire situation what has hurt me the most has been his indifference towards me. So nonchalantly he pushed me away from his life like I never mattered. He ignore me like he never knew me. Its hard because not to long ago he was my boyfriend and now were strangers. I feel I might need some closure to tell him how I feel about how things have played out after our break up but I wouldn’t know how to start or what to say or even if he would care to listen. Some of my friends have advice me not to talk to him about my feelings and just try to let it go. I’m full of anger and hurt. I feel like he never cared about me, how did he replaced me so fast and erased me from his life. I don’t know how to get this all off my chest. How can I deal with my unresolved feelings and move on with my life?


Answers


bella
1465 days ago
Hi,

I can understand how this must be very painful for you. We've had a couple questions here, but it was the reverse situation where the new girlfriend is complaining about her BF still being friends with the ex. My advice to both was it's okay to be friends and the new girlfriend shouldn't be threatened. Many people think that just because they're ex's they have to be adversaries.

I suspect he's also very shocked that his new GF is pregnant. She could be pressuring him to cut you off. He might be of the belief that it's less complicated to not be friends or he may sense your disappointment and not want to deal with it. I bet he has alot of mixed feeling going on right now. I understand how her having a baby so soon, bugs you, but I don't think your ex BF planned this baby with her. It's not like this represents that he loves her more than he did you.

It's to his disadvantage that he jumped into this relationship so fast - I don't think this de-values the fact that you were special to him. Some people just don't know how to be patient and feel lonely and want to fill the gap. It's completely resonable to feel all the emotions you're feeling right now.

If you need closure, then you could try to talk to him and see if he's still willing to be friends. But you have to ask yourself if you really are capable of being just friends even though your emotions are still raw. If his new GF is the one discouraging him, then you can remind him that it's really his choice.

I think you need to find a friend/family member to talk about how you feel so that if you are friends with him, you won't have to re-hash those negative feelings with him - because then the new GF will think you're trying to get him back. It's going to take time for you to heal and deal with all of these normal feelings.You might also find it helpful to write your feelings in a journal.

So remember he didn't replace you so fast because you weren't special to him. He might not in reality be erasing you from his life but rather she may be pressuring him to do that. I bet that he thinks about you alot and has mixed emotions about cutting you off and is probably very stressed about this new GF getting pregnant. I think life is going to be very stressful for him and the new GF/baby. I don't think the grass is as green as you think on their side. I hope this eases your pain a little and gives you a new perspective. I hope in the end you resolve your feelings and you both can be friends or a least acknowledge each other. TC :)
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Edahn
1465 days ago
Wonderful post, bella.

Even when people break up, which was probably for good reasons, we still usually have some feelings for our exes, good or bad. It's natural and even HEALTHY because it means you were able to form a connection to him. Eventually, these feelings will get easier with 1) some form of closure, 2) time and distance, that will probably help you 3) see that things are better off if you're not dating. At that point you won't want him and can just see him as a friend and hope for the best for him (or just move on).

1) Regarding closure, you can try contacting him, but I think it'd be better if you wrote a letter to him in your journal and put it away.

2) Regarding time and distance, I think you should avoid contact with him for a while as much as possible. It will definitely be hard at first and you will want to reach out, but that's part of the process and something that will make you stronger if you can resist. In these times, look to YOURSELF for comfort and support.

3) Regarding perspective and friendship, it'll happen naturally after the first 2.

Best of luck,

Edahn
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Clyde
1456 days ago
Good posts you two. Its horrible that this has happened, for sure, for you.

Best,

Clyde
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Macamatics
1357 days ago
wow. well i just had my ex tell me today that his new girl is pregnant. so i was just online trying to research similar situations, and see how others have coped. my ex has been seeing this girl for 12 weeks and she's 9 weeks pregnant. he says he's getting married. i think that most of us just want to move on, ya know. it's not about being desperate or not feeling good about you or holding onto the past. it's about how to sever that connection. you can email me if you would like to talk: latoyia.mackey@yahoo.com.

God bless!
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Macamatics
1357 days ago
this post was a while ago. write back b/c i'm curious to see how you're doing and what has happened since then.
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Macamatics
1354 days ago
Interesting. I think that my situation provides me some relief in the fact that my ex never had strong feelings for me--just lust and desperationg to be with SOMEONE. He invested 15% while I invested 150%, but still drilled the idea of marriage into my head every day so he could feel like he was in control. He was so lonely that he needed me there despite hurting me. He had emotional affairs; and kept his options open in the same breath of telling me that he loved me and wanted to get married. Then when he had the opportunity to move away and escape from his situation he bounced and then proceeded to have a child within 3 weeks of being with this woman. He wants me to be his friend, which, I think is borderline Satanic. He's blind to my worth, as your ex is also. I require vindication, and I did just that. You will get through it, depending on your mind-set. What does "not getting thru it" mean?? Don't know. But I now know that I need a man who can feel for me on a deep emotional level, which is the only thing that separates us humans from the animals. On a human level, emotional development separates the boys from the men. I know that I will find a secure, mature man who will include me in his life and not utilize me as a tool to fill an insatiable void. The woman always end up looking like the villain in these situations, b/c u can NEVER fill that void. He sounds much the same; and is more than likely a lost little boy inside a man's body, doing manly things. I know it hurts, but he was never fully vested in you. God bless!

latoyia.mackey@yahoo.com
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