Avatar Posted by organusmax 82 days ago (Question)
I'm a 26 year old shy man, totally inexperienced with women. I'd like to start meeting women. However, one fear holds me back: that the women I'd meet will most likely already turn out to be committed, if not married. Thus, the odds of finding a suitable single woman seem frighteningly minuscule.

Why is it so hard to find single women? Is there really three men for every single woman out there? What hope is there for an inexperienced man who wants to attract a mate?

Another thing about the attempts to attract a mate: isn't the horrible part of rejection that it really demotivates you? That you try and try and try, but the lack of avail will eventually discourage you and you give up? I agree with Brian Gilmartin who wrote the book called "Love Shyness" that failure is demoralizing for many who are shy, neurotic and inhibited. So if I shall meet rejection and failure on my path and repeatedly, why should I press forward if I meet so much demoralizing resistance? I must admit that I'm very results-oriented, and not process-oriented, which means that the failure to obtain a certain result can be a blow to my ego. Sure, it would be interesting to see for myself just what the possibilities there are, but if I see that the possibilities are too limited, I don't think I can go through this entire process without it hurting me to whatever extent. So what to do?


Answers

Written by Chemar 82 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi

love and relationships carry with them the risk of heartache so I think one needs to be realistic about that at the outset.

I would suggest becoming involved in social/hobby activities that fit the kind of person you are in order to meet like minded ladies.

There are many many single women around so I wouldnt let stats deter you....usually women who are in a relationship will either be with their partner or not leave the fact that they are already involved ambiguous so again I wouldnt let that deter you from seeking to meet more

It has always been my opinion that the closest couples are those who became friends first before becoming lovers....

so perhaps if you aim to get to know women at that level and then let things progress into more serious if that is what you both want, then fine. But so often intimacy starts the relationship and then couples find that they really dont like each other, or have much in common, when they start exploring the friendship side.

JMHO

hope you meet some great ladies who will treat you well :)

Written by bellacutie 81 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Great advice from Chemar. It perfectly normal to suffer rejection while trying to meet the opposite sex. I think if a person goes to a bar, they'll be guaranteed to encounter some rejection. You mention you're shy - what kind of social situations are you exposed to?? I think you should try not to take rejection personally - women sometimes reject a guy because she already has a boyfriend or she's not ready to date - it's not always because she's turned off from you!

I really like what Chemar said about establishing several friendships 1st - in the process of being friends you'll be able to look for cues that would signal you to move on to the next phase - which would be asking her out. If she says no, then don't be insulted - you still have a friend. Yes it's true, no one likes rejection, but it's difficult to avoid it completely it you want to find someone. Expose yourself to lots of social situations and enjoy yourself- people are drawn to others who emit postive vibes. Don't be discouraged by the fear of rejection. Best of luck, Bella

Written by organusmax 80 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Regarding failure or rejection, I like this quote that winners never quit, quitters never win, but those who never win and don't quit are idiots. Obviously, most people rightly give up as soon as they see that this is going nowhere. If you try to hitchhike and after two hours you're still at the same spot on the road, it really demoralizes the poor hitchhiker. If you've approached thousands of women and they all turn you down, then obviously you were never meant to be popular with the ladies. Or are you really arguing that if winning seems so hard to come by, that even then you should never quit? Or how to determine when your endeavor is so fruitless that it's really the right time to quit?

Written by Clyde 77 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

And you gotta look at it this way, if you are expecting human emotions and people to be like a pie chart or a bar graph, and be results oriented, you are kind of on the wrong path.

Just be yourself, and realize that things that may hurt you could happen, but think of the positive as well.

Best,

Clyde

Written by Severson 33 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Unfortunately it is a process, and thus it is process oriented. You can't just expect a desired result without understanding the process that leads to the result you want.

My suggestion is that you research the subject of dating. There is a lot of information out there, some good, some bad. The key is to get some new perspective and try out for yourself what works for you and what doesn't.

Don't expect results from psychotherapy; I found that 10+ years of it was worthless--a total waste of time and money that I'll never get back--in terms of helping me understand this area of life.

Good luck and let us know what you come up with.


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