Avatar Posted by justme1978 329 days ago (Question)
I've been with my "husband" for 11 years, we have good days and a lot of bad days. He is a loving father to our 3 kids, and says he loves me. We have been having a bad year, financially and emotionally. We fight, a lot, about not being intimate, money, and his drinking. He always expects us to be intimate, but makes no effort to be romantic. He gets very angry and hateful towards me when we aren't intimate. I feel obligated to be with him, instead of wanting to be with him. He has angry outbursts inappropriately. He drinks on the weekends or family gatherings, which are often, and gets into verbal fights with his brothers. He has called me a bitch, a whore, and slut a couple of months ago, because I went out with his sister and he left us stranded. He has not always been so hateful, he has always been angry. His dad is absent in his life and was abusive to his mom all his life. She is no longer with him. I have tried to reason and talk to him, he always turns the conversations around so it's my fault. He feels like he can talk to anybody anyway and everyone should just accept it. I know he has anger issues, how do I cope? Do I try to keep working it out, or leave? I know he is a good man underneath his exterior, but I don't know anymore how to make him come out. He said he was sorry, but it hurt. I call him names too, when he attacks me verbally, I don't want my kids to grow up in this hostile enviornment, but what do I do? We just bought our house 2 yrs ago and are 12 months behind. We have seperate accounts, don't share money and are always behind on bills. I'm tired of arguing. I do defend myself, but I don't want to have to defend myself, it shouldn't be this much work, right?


Answers

Written by rechila 329 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

i m not married but i complete understand wat u goin thru ....its not a failing relationship ,,, u know d situation thru ur perspective jus think how suffocating it wud b for him as well....the intimacy he demands out of u is bcoz he feels dis probably a way he cud feel connected ,, n destress himself,,,,;;;;u donno but his condn is worse den urs,,,,u want ur relationship to b good ,,, for dat u have 2 forget urself for sumtym,,,,n how???

wen he cum home 2moro evenin don tok nethn abt his parents or ne issue which feels insecure answerin ,,, tok as if for u hes d best guy u ve evr met ,,u cudnt have had a btr husband den him,,, cook up ne story abt ne odr couple..n pretend dat hes so loving n caring,,, n be intimate even if its more or less pretence coz he needs u ,,, how much u feel LYK saying sumthn dat wud pinch him DONT SAY THAT try n make him d most comfortable wid u ,,,don ques ,,, n slowly n gradually wen u see him improving ,,den start wid twisted ques ,,, clear out things b/w u guyss,,, it ll take a month or 2 ,,,coz u have to take him in full confidence dat watsoever happens ur nevr gonna leave him... coz hes most dearest to u,,,n wen it comes to men d more love u show in bed ,,d more confidence they gain,, hes very critical ,insecure, admant n wud get mad over unxpected bcoz he cant share himself ,,,,so behave lyk an actress for few weeks ,,,,so dat u both can laugh n reminisce happily...

Written by DPerello 328 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Financial problems are especially harsh for a man with a family. We feel hopeless, like failures for what we cannot provide. It becomes difficult to face your wife and children. This drives many men to be hostile and to resort to some type of substance abuse as you're seeing. You have to make it clear that this is no excuse to treat you the way he does. Doing this is difficult without fighting but essential to get the point across. As soon as one gets riled up, all of the anger from recent arguments come up and the subject at hand is lost. Calmly try to get him to understand that you share the pain of your financial troubles and understand it is emotionally difficult, but it is no excuse to treat you badly. Emphasize that you two are a team, you enter marriage as one and face the hardships life throws at you as one. Only together can you overcome life's obstacles.

In short, work on your problems. I wouldn't say leave him unless, God forbid, he becomes physically abusive to you or your children.

Best of luck,

-Danny

*Also, I think the above poster was trying to say something similar, .. I think.

Written by Clyde 326 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree with Danny. It definitely should not be that much work, though.

Of course he feels like a failure, but he should feel that the two of you are a team.

Let him know that you really want to help him and do what you can do to do so. You want to help with the problems.

Best,

Clyde


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