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This is a very long one and I apologize, but I'm really at my wits end here. I've "asked a therapist" because this relates to some other psychological issues I have, but this question is specifically about my relationship.
There are several things about my boyfriend that bother me. The biggest issue I'm having right now is that he lies to me.
I first found out that he lied to me when some of his friends told me they felt that he was cheating on me. They had some "circumstantial" reasons, but I felt that I needed to find out for myself. So, for the first time in our year and a half relationship, I snooped through his phone. I found out that he lied to me the weekend before about what he was doing. He claimed he was sleeping which is why he didn't return my phone calls until 3 in the morning, when in fact he had gone out, picked up a girl and took her to a bar to see a friend's band play. At this time, Jim had told me countless times that he was "sleeping" and didn't return my phone calls until (usually) around 3 in the morning. So, this made me think he had lied to me several times before, however, I could not prove this.
What was so hurtful about this, is that Jim and I rarely do much together outside of hanging around the house. I asked him all the time if he wanted to do this or that or hang out with so and so, but he always refused or was tired, etc. So when I find out he's gone out of his way to PICK UP and TAKE OUT another girl (friend or not)AND lie to me, I'm pretty upset. We talked about it, and I thought I got the point across to him to stop lying.
He started acting suspiciously again a couple of months later. He was texting people and wouldn't tell me who they were and he was deleting text messages, phone calls and voicemails. I went through his phone again and found he was hanging out with some girl (even meeting her at a hotel). I confronted him again and he explained himself. He said that he was hanging out with this girl to buy marijuana and didn't want me to know because it would piss me off. The hotel thing was a party this girl threw, so it wasn't like they were alone. I told him then that if he lied to me or hid things from me again I would break up with him.
Flash forward to last night. A couple days ago Jim started erasing text messages again when I said that I wasn't going to bed at the same time he was. I think it was because he was afraid I'd go through his phone while he was sleeping. Last night, I did go through his phone again and have found that he lied to me yet again. Friday night I was trying to get ahold of him to come see him (I asked if he had plans that night), but he said he would "call me later" because he was "talking to his dad." About four hours later he tells me come see him (it was midnight at this point). I was already in bed so I declined. I also didn't believe his "talking to dad" story either. Going through his phone I find that he was talking to the hotel girl, asking her if she wanted to hang out and smoke (this was literally at the same time I was texting him to hang out, which means he was making plans that night but didn't tell me). I saw that he called her a half hour later and I'm assuming they hung out, which is why Jim didn't get back ahold of me until midnight. I have not confronted him about this.
Now, here's my big problem. Confronting Jim isn't good. He gets very defensive and his tone always makes ME feel like an idiot. He never wants to talk about any problems I have and he gets angry I go through his phone (which is understandable, I guess). It is very difficult to really discuss my feelings because he always turns it around and makes it about him. Also, I have a hard time expressing my feelings as it is, being under pressure during in argument makes me forget my "points" and usually leaves me crying and feeling helpless.
I don't know how to confront him this time. I am SICK of the lies and him not thinking about my feelings. I do not trust anything he says anymore and I am VERY paranoid. I go to extreme means of finding out what he's up to including driving by his house/work, paying to have reverse phone look up, checking out his friend's web pages for hours, going through his phone/myspace, etc. I wish I could just not do those things, but I'm so desperate to know if he's telling the truth or not. When I find out from someone that he's lying to me or keeping things from me, or I have an "intuition" about it, it has now gotten to the point that it not only makes me nervous/anxious, it literally makes me stomach hurt. It needs to stop.
It's not just the lying that's taking a toll on me. He doesn't really listen to my feelings and doesn't change when I tell him x is bothering me. He doesn't make an effort to come see me unless he has another agenda in the area like work or seeing another friend. He has told me numerous times that he knows he's not the best boyfriend, but he'll change once he gets his financial issues out of the way. He doesn't seem to like to go out with me or my friends. He also has a Facebook he made about a month ago and never told me about, and has added everyone from his ex to my best friend without ever adding me. This bothers me a lot, too. All of this combined with the lying and I'm about to go out of mind. And I feel like I'm in the wrong with all my snooping.
I love my boyfriend though, and don't want to break up (so please don't tell me that's my best option). He's a really good person, with a great personality, he's super funny, good looking and when we're together things are fantastic. It's when we're not together things seem to.. Go to crap, I guess. It's his actions that I have a problem with, not him himself. It's hard because I know he's a good person, and has the potential to be a wonderful boyfriend, but how much sh*t can I take? We've been dating for two years and I feel that I should have more commitment and trust with and from him than I do. How do I confront him about this last lie without soliciting his defensiveness? And how do I make it clear to him that THIS IS THE LAST CHANCE? Obviously, he hasn't taken me seriously before.
Tomorrow is his birthday and we're going to dinner to celebrate tonight. I'm not gonna bring this up tonight or tomorrow because I don't want to ruin his birthday. He's also going through a stressful time with his family (mom is moving out of state), so he's been pretty down lately. Any help would be great. Thanks.
There are several things about my boyfriend that bother me. The biggest issue I'm having right now is that he lies to me.
I first found out that he lied to me when some of his friends told me they felt that he was cheating on me. They had some "circumstantial" reasons, but I felt that I needed to find out for myself. So, for the first time in our year and a half relationship, I snooped through his phone. I found out that he lied to me the weekend before about what he was doing. He claimed he was sleeping which is why he didn't return my phone calls until 3 in the morning, when in fact he had gone out, picked up a girl and took her to a bar to see a friend's band play. At this time, Jim had told me countless times that he was "sleeping" and didn't return my phone calls until (usually) around 3 in the morning. So, this made me think he had lied to me several times before, however, I could not prove this.
What was so hurtful about this, is that Jim and I rarely do much together outside of hanging around the house. I asked him all the time if he wanted to do this or that or hang out with so and so, but he always refused or was tired, etc. So when I find out he's gone out of his way to PICK UP and TAKE OUT another girl (friend or not)AND lie to me, I'm pretty upset. We talked about it, and I thought I got the point across to him to stop lying.
He started acting suspiciously again a couple of months later. He was texting people and wouldn't tell me who they were and he was deleting text messages, phone calls and voicemails. I went through his phone again and found he was hanging out with some girl (even meeting her at a hotel). I confronted him again and he explained himself. He said that he was hanging out with this girl to buy marijuana and didn't want me to know because it would piss me off. The hotel thing was a party this girl threw, so it wasn't like they were alone. I told him then that if he lied to me or hid things from me again I would break up with him.
Flash forward to last night. A couple days ago Jim started erasing text messages again when I said that I wasn't going to bed at the same time he was. I think it was because he was afraid I'd go through his phone while he was sleeping. Last night, I did go through his phone again and have found that he lied to me yet again. Friday night I was trying to get ahold of him to come see him (I asked if he had plans that night), but he said he would "call me later" because he was "talking to his dad." About four hours later he tells me come see him (it was midnight at this point). I was already in bed so I declined. I also didn't believe his "talking to dad" story either. Going through his phone I find that he was talking to the hotel girl, asking her if she wanted to hang out and smoke (this was literally at the same time I was texting him to hang out, which means he was making plans that night but didn't tell me). I saw that he called her a half hour later and I'm assuming they hung out, which is why Jim didn't get back ahold of me until midnight. I have not confronted him about this.
Now, here's my big problem. Confronting Jim isn't good. He gets very defensive and his tone always makes ME feel like an idiot. He never wants to talk about any problems I have and he gets angry I go through his phone (which is understandable, I guess). It is very difficult to really discuss my feelings because he always turns it around and makes it about him. Also, I have a hard time expressing my feelings as it is, being under pressure during in argument makes me forget my "points" and usually leaves me crying and feeling helpless.
I don't know how to confront him this time. I am SICK of the lies and him not thinking about my feelings. I do not trust anything he says anymore and I am VERY paranoid. I go to extreme means of finding out what he's up to including driving by his house/work, paying to have reverse phone look up, checking out his friend's web pages for hours, going through his phone/myspace, etc. I wish I could just not do those things, but I'm so desperate to know if he's telling the truth or not. When I find out from someone that he's lying to me or keeping things from me, or I have an "intuition" about it, it has now gotten to the point that it not only makes me nervous/anxious, it literally makes me stomach hurt. It needs to stop.
It's not just the lying that's taking a toll on me. He doesn't really listen to my feelings and doesn't change when I tell him x is bothering me. He doesn't make an effort to come see me unless he has another agenda in the area like work or seeing another friend. He has told me numerous times that he knows he's not the best boyfriend, but he'll change once he gets his financial issues out of the way. He doesn't seem to like to go out with me or my friends. He also has a Facebook he made about a month ago and never told me about, and has added everyone from his ex to my best friend without ever adding me. This bothers me a lot, too. All of this combined with the lying and I'm about to go out of mind. And I feel like I'm in the wrong with all my snooping.
I love my boyfriend though, and don't want to break up (so please don't tell me that's my best option). He's a really good person, with a great personality, he's super funny, good looking and when we're together things are fantastic. It's when we're not together things seem to.. Go to crap, I guess. It's his actions that I have a problem with, not him himself. It's hard because I know he's a good person, and has the potential to be a wonderful boyfriend, but how much sh*t can I take? We've been dating for two years and I feel that I should have more commitment and trust with and from him than I do. How do I confront him about this last lie without soliciting his defensiveness? And how do I make it clear to him that THIS IS THE LAST CHANCE? Obviously, he hasn't taken me seriously before.
Tomorrow is his birthday and we're going to dinner to celebrate tonight. I'm not gonna bring this up tonight or tomorrow because I don't want to ruin his birthday. He's also going through a stressful time with his family (mom is moving out of state), so he's been pretty down lately. Any help would be great. Thanks.
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Also, I should add that when I confront him it's going to be about more than the lying. It's going to be about the every day pot use, the neglect and just my feelings in general. I don't know how to wrap it all into one. I don't want to say "here's this problem" and sort through it just to say "Oh, and there's another issue" after he thinks we made good with the first issue.
Hi AppleJuiceGirl,
I wanted to say first you give very sensible advice when you answer questions. I understand how frustrated you feel. You said you don't want to hear "just break up with him". Unfortunately sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people and I think this is what's happening for you. I hear you saying he's got some good qualities but he also has some very undesirable ones. _Please don't make the mistake of thinking he will change or makes excuses for bad behavior. You also don't want to play detective because you don't trust him. If you want to give him one more chance that's up to you - I don't want you to keep getting hurt. I suspect he's not ready for a serious relationship. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and you won't tolerate substance abus/lying. I think you should make a list of the pros and cons of your reltionship. Sit down with him and calmly say how you feel and what you want from him. Tell him that you won't tolerate lying,fooling around and drugs. Ask him if he's willing to commit to a monogamous relationship. Best of luck, Bella
Thanks Bella, I always love reading your advice. And hate posting after you because I feel like I'm just repeating what you said! Lol. I know breaking up with him is one of my best options, but I'm not ready for it now. I want to make sure I scrounge and do my best to save the relationship before and if I have to make the split, so I know it's the right choice and have no regrets. Thanks for the advice! Making an actual list will definitely help me out.
Thanks AJGirl,
there nothing wrong with taking your time to make sure it's the right decision. It's sounds like you're more mature than he is. You're smart, so I think you know you can't expect him to change for you. You should make it clear when the time is right - there won't be endless chances from you. I suspect you'll be fine with or without him. :)
Hello AppleJuiceGirl,
It sounds like your going through a hard time. I feel that you need to ask your self one question. Are you willing to accept this behavior in the future? If the answer is no, then you should start letting go now. As much as we would like to change people, that is something they need to do on their own and from what I read it sounds like he is not ready to change. Or willing to change for a while before slipping back into that bad habit. Making friends and meeting new people will help you let go if that is what you choose. When you confront him it sounds like he is emotionally abusive and that can be very damaging. I would first suggest you try couple counseling if that is an option. When he becomes defensive when you talk to him to tell him to stop being emotional and that you would like to talk about the problem calmly. When he gets defensive that shows he is guilty and he might feel like your attacking him, so be gentle and logical, don't let him make you feel 'like an idiot'. Remember, he is the one being immature. I wish you the best.
I would not accept his behaviors at all. Talking down to you is not someone you want to be with.
Also, realize that him being with another girl may not necessarily mean that he is "being" with her, but I would tell him either way I didnt appreciate it if I didnt. You may just have to move on and go from there.
Best,
Clyde
Odd. I thought I was so alone going through all this shi*. And here is some other poor soul feeling the same pains... My boyfriend who I love and have fallen for bad is always lookig at other girls when we go out he even drops my hand when walking near any pretty girl only to re grab it when we are not near and pretty girls.....So I caught him sending sexy emails sex talk to other girls--I think it gives him a thrill (It must,right?) So. I confronted him and got advice from his sisters (who told everyone) unfortunately... now he is livid with me about that fact as well as the fact that I dared to look at his emails... after he whoops slipped cause his guilty conscience told his mid whats wrong? u look down...was it about the emails they dont mean anything I would never ever ever cheat on u with a human girl it waz just fun... (He who tells me I cant talk to a boy i used to babysit who is now 23).... I also DO love him but why do I keep crying I dont think he is truely attracted to me I am a little chubby....But likes the comfort i give him (kind of like I am his mother...) Whaaaaa!!!! Why can't I have a fairy tail romance *Snickering...Yeah.Right. Did I mention I am becoming abrubt and sarcastic towards him....and that I still love hiiimmm......???
I feel your pain! I hope it gets better for you. It's hard when you love someone, but are angry at them -- it's confusing!