I am the youngest of 8 children, all boys. I am the survivor of sibling physical and emotional abuse, and probably sexual abuse. (There are years of my childhood I do not remember, and was exposed to pornography at a very young age.) As a child, I remember yearning for my mother's attention, affection, and protection and being constantly frustrated at not getting any or enough of it "legitimately" (asking or begging for something) and manipulatively (self-mutilation to exaggerate my siblings abuse). I became an alcoholic in my early 20's to late 30's, during which I acting out sexually and cheating on my partners to get an affection "fix".
I am now sober for 8 years from alcohol and am active in AA, but my relationships with women are still needy and sexually driven to get a physical and psychological approval fix. These approvals need to come from someone I find sexually appealing, which often leads to inappropriate pursuits and/or dead ends. This pattern of pursuit and disappointment leads me to frustration and despair to the point of depression and my swearing off relationships entirely as I they lead only to hope highs (in the infatuated beginnings) and heartache lows (when they don't work out).
How can I break this pattern? I feel like I have this mom-shaped hole in my heart that I've tried to fill for all my teen and adult life with booze, sex, and beautiful women. I no longer use booze, only have sex in a relationship, but my chances of being with someone I am attracted to in dimishing each year.
I am now sober for 8 years from alcohol and am active in AA, but my relationships with women are still needy and sexually driven to get a physical and psychological approval fix. These approvals need to come from someone I find sexually appealing, which often leads to inappropriate pursuits and/or dead ends. This pattern of pursuit and disappointment leads me to frustration and despair to the point of depression and my swearing off relationships entirely as I they lead only to hope highs (in the infatuated beginnings) and heartache lows (when they don't work out).
How can I break this pattern? I feel like I have this mom-shaped hole in my heart that I've tried to fill for all my teen and adult life with booze, sex, and beautiful women. I no longer use booze, only have sex in a relationship, but my chances of being with someone I am attracted to in dimishing each year.
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Answers
Hi there. I can understand your dilemma. It does indeed sound to me like a "trying to find a protector/mom" kind of thing.
Congrats for being sober for eight years!!
Finding the right one does take a lot of hit and misses--so that may be a part of it.
I do think, though, that talking to a therapist about why you feel that you need to find a person to take care of the "mom-shaped hole" is a good place to start.
Best in filling that hole,
Clyde