Hi,

I've read some answers to other questions & I'm really impressed with the insight & help given. I hope some of you will answer this question as I'm really having a difficult time understanding.

My husband (of 20+ years), seems to be incapable of communicating unless we are talking about trivial matters. He's fine if the discussion involves television, the weather or what his friends are up to, however if anything deeper than that gets brought up, he becomes defensive, aggressive & argumentative. Recently, I had to start taking anti-depressants because I've been having such a hard time dealing with him & I believe it's the main cause of my depression.
He also lies about trivial things as well & I just can't figure out why. If I ask him in a non-accusatory way any question, such as "Have you seen my purse?", he will answer in a highly defensive way with "I DIDN'T TOUCH IT..I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG". If he starts a load of laundry & I say to him "Oh, did you start the laundry?", he will answer with a lie, saying "I didn't do any laundry". Well, it's only the two of us here & I doubt the cat did the laundry! Why in the world would he lie about such stupid, trivial things. It's gotten to the point that I can no longer believe anything he says. He seems to lie about virtually everything from what he ate to where he went to how much sleep he got. It's exhausting to say the least. If I try to talk to him about anything, he just becomes defensive & very, very aggressive. He has even resorted to punching holes in walls & doors, which he feels he is justified in doing, because according to him "I trigger his anger" because I'm asking him questions.
Can someone please advise me as to what is going on with him. I know I need to leave & I am getting closer to that every day. In the meantime, I would like to try to understand why he is this way.
Thank you so much for any advice you could pass on to me.

Warmly,
RH


Answers


diana rose
1779 days ago
I hate to so blunt bout your problem RH.

But, do you think your husband could be cheating and with the stress and gult of that he feels like he has to be VERY self defensive.?

you dont have to answer that. im just trying to point it out..

Much Love,

Diana Rose.



rlh1383
1779 days ago
Thank you Diana for your answer. He has cheated in the past, but this bizarre defensive behaviour has been on-going & actually getting worse. Even with past cheating, that does not explain this kind of behaviour over a 20+ year period of time. You are saying he's cheated for 20 years and that is why he lies about trivial things, is defensive & everything else? No offense, but I think that is just too simplistic of an answer. What I'm looking for is insight into what kind of disorder he may have that causes this, not what triggers it.



diana rose
1779 days ago
Hi Rh.

im not saying he has cheated for the 20yrs and i didnt know he has cheated before. some cheats do act in a defensive way sometimes.

sorry that it was to simplistic of an answer for you.

M.L,

Diana Rose.



rlh1383
1779 days ago
What I'm looking for is the "cause" of the defensiveness. What makes a person this highly defensive. It is frustrating, if not downright impossible, to live with someone who is so defensive that they can not communicate in a "normal" way to the extent that they are incapable of discussing anything but trivial matters. I know there is something seriously wrong with him. I suffer from chronic depression & anxiety because of it. That's how bad it is!

Does anyone know what this is? What disorder, if any, is causing this kind of behaviour in him? Is it something that I can help him with, or is it something that no one can ever help him with? If it doesn't change...very, very soon, I will have no choice but to leave. What I'm trying to do is not turn my back on someone if they have a valid disorder. Does that make any sense?

Thanks again

RH



bella
1779 days ago
I want to ask you a few questions. How were things before this started and when did they start. Is he under any stress - like financial etc? Does he have any health problems -is there a history of Alzhiemer's in his family? Have you tried to talk to him calmly about this? Would he agree to go to his doctor or to seek couples counselling? My concern is, if he's having some kind of problem with his memory - early onset Alzhiemers. What about hearing loss? ALL of these could cause him to feel frustrated. See if you can convince him to see his family physician and you go with him. It's difficult without seeing him to speculate, but I hope these questions help eliminate things for you. Keep us posted and I hope you find the reason, Bella.



Fpsych
1779 days ago
I agree with Bellacutie,

there could be something physically going on with your husband, like dementia, or Alzhiemers, or something else. These conditions can cause the kind of behaviors that you describe.

The trick is getting your husband to the doctor. Does he have regular check- ups. Because his behaving is so defensive It is important that you approach this in a very calm and rational way. Not that you haven't been, it's just that your husband is behaving so defensively it is going to take some communication skills to get him to come around.

How does he behave with other family members. Could one of them help you and take him to the doctor. Does he respond the same way with other members of the family.

Try to come at from the point of view that you are worried about him. That you care and love him and want him to be happy and you notice that he doesn't seem to be himself lately. Suggest a check up with doctor.

I hope this helps and I wish you well.



bella
1779 days ago
Excellent point Fpsych - it's very important to approach him gently. Sometimes people who have these above mentioned problems, don't even realize they have it(or might be in denial) and just feel frustrated they're not understood. It's always best to have a complete checkup to rule out, physical reasons first. I realize you're frustrated and it's important not to convey these emotions, when you talk to him. Best of luck in finding him help.



Chemar
1779 days ago
I agree with Fpsych and Bella that this sounds like something that needs a comprehensive evaluation by a doctor, and that it would be best to seek the assistance of a trusted friend or family member, pastor etc to help you approach your husband in a calm yet concerned way and get him to agree to see the doctor.

please do also take care of yourself thru all this, and if he seems out of control, seek immediate help

hopefully he will be able to get a proper diagnosis and correct treatment

all the best to you