Avatar Posted by khines 179 days ago (Question)
I am 14 weeks pregnant, and have mood swings, irritability, and can also be jealous at times. i've been this way even before we got pregnant. I try very hard to not be this way and try to see everything in a positive light, some days are harder then others. i need a little more support from my fiance on these days that are a little rougher. my fiance's 24 and works 5-6 days a week, sometimes 10 hour days, so on the weekend when he doesn't work the next day he likes to drink with his buddies. i moved in with him so we live about an hour from my friends and family, so many nights this will leave me sitting on the couch by myself while he has his (guy time) it's not the guy time that bothers me, it's the drinking, every single weekend, if he doesn't work the next day he wants to get drunk. he's very responsible but honestly i think i just feel left out. a couple nights ago, i was sitting around with him and a few of his friends we were all bored and he suggested they just go get a bunch of beer and play drinking games, which obviously leaves me out. for four hours i sat on the couch by myself watching movies while he was down stairs getting drunk with his friends. (they smoke in the basement so I'm confined to upstairs) in that whole time he didn't say a single word to me until all his friends had left, and then he expected me to be sitting happily blown off on the couch waiting for him. so needless to say he slept on the couch and the next day i left to my parents house for awhile, although i left on good terms with him. we love each other more then anything but i can't take all this bachelor behavior. i asked him to reevaluate his life and whats important to him, and i am to work on my temper that i know i have. Am i over reacting? i just wonder if he'll ever grow up? and when do i know to let bygones be bygones and come home?


Answers

Written by saiphstar 179 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I felt a little pang of anxiety while reading your post, a voice inside wanted me to tell you to run for the hills. But then I would be a hypocrite.

So, communication is the key here. Men don't get it, because they aren't physically pregnant. You need support, if not from him, then from your family and friends, which you have already shown. There are things in which make you feel comfortable and things that will not. Him getting drunk every night he doesn't work the next day seems childish.

Yes your angry and upset, all feelings which are completely normal!!!! Emotion is what defines being human and able to experience it fully.

So communicate with him PRIOR to the day/night of hiding out in the basement with the buddy's. IF your relationship does not come to a LOVING and even decision, or if he does it again, Make a stand and get out! If you don't figure this stuff out now, then your baby will SEE your unhappiness.

Good Luck.

Written by doublev33 179 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Darling, this is exactly how my life started out and, while he may outgrow his drinking habits, he may very well be on the road to alcoholism. But what can YOU do about this? It's more about what you CANT do...you can't control him or his drinking. You can only make decisions about what you will or won't live with. Of course this is exceptionally tough when you are pregnant and feel vulnerable. I would certainly lay out the groundwork for what I expect in a mature relationship/marriage/parent partnership. Be very clear on your expectations and you don't need to justify. He will try the old "you're taking away my freedom, etc" but don't listen. Just stick to what you know is reasonable and right and keep repeating.

Also remember that, at 14 weeks, he has no physical proof of the pregnancy. It's not him and he can't even see the baby yet. He may even increase his behaviors and drinking as a last "hurrah" before he feels his freedom is totally taken. Many men feel this way. Let's hope that once your belly gets big - or once the baby arrives - his paternal or moral senses will kick in.

If not, just remember that it is YOU who is setting the pattern of behaviors for the rest of your life. For me, the drinking and immaturity didn't go away until I had been through 15 years of hell and fighting, finally threw his belongings on the deck and meant it. He was OUT - no ultimatums, no fighting... I had two daughters ages 8 and 5 at the time and it was ROUGH. But because he knew I was serious and I was CHOOSING NOT TO LIVE THAT WAY - he went to rehab and has been sober since.

Give it a little time while laying the foundation for what you expect. But don't wait forever and fall into destructive patterns. Please.

Written by bellacutie 179 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think you received very good advice from both posts. I think you did the right thing, moving back to your family. You need to be in a supportive environment. If he's smoking with his buddies downstairs - the second hand smoke can go upstairs and get into your system. Personally I'm totally against alcohol use and getting drunk is destructive and immature. I think he needs to show that he's committed and mature is his actions befor you go back. Partying downstairs and leavinng you alone isn't nice. I agree that you should lay the foundation of what you expect from this relationship and what kind of parents are you're going to be. I feel with you and hope you both work it out. Hugs :) Bella.

Written by Edahn 178 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

If you think his heart is in the right place, but that he just hasn't realized what exactly is going on and that you're in a new stage, then I would try to LEAD him to acting responsible and see if it clicks with him.

Here are a few ideas about how to go about that:

1. Ask that his friends smoke outside rather than in the basement, that way, you could at least be AROUND them. You don't have to drink to have a good time with them (and you shouldn't, of course). But you could find other things to enjoy. Maybe a little caffeine (small to moderate amounts are okay if you're pregnant) and a little sugar would make you feel like you're fitting in. You could grab a Coke and a lollipop and just hang out with them. Eventually, you can phase out the caffeine. Your baby's safety comes first, but if you're able to create an environment where you and your guy can relax together and safely, then I think you should do it.

2. Have a talk with your guy and, like you've already done, ask him what kind of life he wants to have and the kind of person he wants to be. If he answers too fast, he's not listening. This is something he needs to visualize and something he needs to feel. Ask him to think about it. Then he has to decide which parts of his life work with that image and which parts need to be phased out.

3. Tell him how you feel. Tell him that you'd like to spend more time with him. Tell him that you expect the guy that you're with to be involved and mentally engaged in the process. Tell him that you know that he's capable of that already, and that if you didn't think that, you wouldn't have gotten pregnant with him. Then take the lead and initiate the activities that you want. Maybe you guys can go to a bookstore together and read about pregnancy. Remember that even though you're pregnant, he does have his own needs and that you guys have to balance them, where he gets his way sometimes and you get your way. Where you can, find ways to make activities enjoyable for the both of you.

4. Don't guess about his intentions. Ask him. He's been drinking a lot lately. Is it for the reason doublev said? Is he just looking to get it out of his system? Is it because he's bored? Find out.

5. Talk calmly. This is especially important for you because you said you've had problems with your temper. You really, really want to get this taken care of immediately. The best way is to realize when you are upset and learn how to bring yourself back to talking calmly and rationally. Instead of blaming, focus on understanding.

The ladies who posted above me are all right, too. You do need to figure out what your bottom line is. You need to know at what point you would rather be alone. If you know where this line is, you'll have a lot of confidence and direction. That might take a little time for you to figure out. Before you give him an ultimatum, though, I would try 1-5 and see if it really changes your perspective on things.

Written by Clyde 174 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Very good posts from all above. It is important to find out where the line is and do not let him cross it.

Best,

Clyde


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