His ex girlfriend (whom he was with for several years) is a super fit athletic fitness trainer. (She wasn't during the time they were together) Her and I share a lot of similar interests and activities.
When I began dating my husband, they had been broken up almost 2 years. I knew in the beginning that if the relationship became serious, I might have trouble accepting his long prior relationship and past with this person.
I was, surprisingly, ok with it.
Then she began calling. They kept in touch. She had him drive 4 hours to help "move something" with her current boyfriend and other friends of theirs. He brushed his teeth and flossed and chewed gum and changed his clothes on his way out to help them.
It wasn't until (2 separate persons) told me that I looked JUST like her that their prior relationship began to bother me heavily.
I mean, really?! Could someone date me because I looked/reminded them of their ex?
Before we officially started dating (I was friends with him while he was still dating his now ex) I knew that she annoyed me.
Really uptight and vain. Really anti-social and disingenuous.
He told me once while we were hanging out that I really was a lot like her. He also told me that we had several similarities.
He told me (all before dating) that he would love her forever.
Then the shit really hit the fan one night when I confronted him over this issue building inside of me and I couldn't stand it anymore.
I asked if he still cared for her.
He couldn't really answer me. He said (his words): "She's like family, so I don't really know how to answer that. We've known each other half of my life. She's family and I she will be my family until I die."
This sent me off the deep end and I became really ugly and am now ashamed of behaving so erratically.
However, was I justified?
We have now been married 2 years, have a baby together and things overall have gone well and he has told me that we fit, that we are aligned.
Of course, in all bad arguments, he tells me really awful things like I'm the "most selfish person he's known,...etc etc"
Often times I run into his ex when I'm back home. She's tried to be nice, and although I know it's a front I don't think she's necessarily a bad person, as much as I want to hate her.
It's really hard for me to maintain my composure when we go to events and I have to be around her.
Every time my husband and her speak I want to scream and walk out. They are so nicey nice to one another and I can just see them comparing lives and accomplishments.
And here I am with no real accomplishments to speak of and I merely feel like a shorter, less athletic, less accomplished version of his ex.
We could be sisters in appearance. Too bad I never noticed it until others pointed it out.
My husband claims we have similar eyes and hands and that's it.
After all, he cannot take everything he said back.
Other people tell me I don't look like her at all.
Not that that matters really. Most importantly, I worry that I made the biggest mistake of my life.
What if he was interested in me to begin with for such stupid reasons. Or if it was all unintentional?
I don't want to live my life that way.
There is an upcoming event that I cannot back out of without being horribly rude and I know she'll be there, looking gorgeous and perfect and talking to everyone about how well her life is going. And what will I do?
I'm one of those people that cannot help but wear her feelings on her sleeves. How do I cope with this without destroying my marriage and my children's lives?
I mean, he's a good dad and he's a good husband and I'm spoiled in all honesty, but I've never been able to shake this horrific feeling of inadequacy when regarding his ex.
My life feels like a sham when I think of her.
I think of her and him and I think, wow. He really never would have left her had she not left him. Had he not screwed up, he'd never be with me now. What if he settled. Downgraded to me.
In case it's not obvious, I feel terrible about this. It only gets worse as the months pass, too.
We get married, it still lingered like a dark cloud.
We moved away, still there.
We get pregnant.
We have a baby.
Really, if all of these things cannot change how i feel about it, will it ever go away or should i simple end the relationship now for fear of damaging my future, his future, my kid's future?
Please help me get some perspective on this!