This all started again yesterday. I thought I'd finally grappled with it and calmed this jealousy that's been brewing inside of me since I really began to care for my (now) husband.
His ex girlfriend (whom he was with for several years) is a super fit athletic fitness trainer. (She wasn't during the time they were together) Her and I share a lot of similar interests and activities.
When I began dating my husband, they had been broken up almost 2 years. I knew in the beginning that if the relationship became serious, I might have trouble accepting his long prior relationship and past with this person.
I was, surprisingly, ok with it.
Then she began calling. They kept in touch. She had him drive 4 hours to help "move something" with her current boyfriend and other friends of theirs. He brushed his teeth and flossed and chewed gum and changed his clothes on his way out to help them.
It wasn't until (2 separate persons) told me that I looked JUST like her that their prior relationship began to bother me heavily.
I mean, really?! Could someone date me because I looked/reminded them of their ex?
Before we officially started dating (I was friends with him while he was still dating his now ex) I knew that she annoyed me.
Really uptight and vain. Really anti-social and disingenuous.
He told me once while we were hanging out that I really was a lot like her. He also told me that we had several similarities.
He told me (all before dating) that he would love her forever.
Then the shit really hit the fan one night when I confronted him over this issue building inside of me and I couldn't stand it anymore.
I asked if he still cared for her.
He couldn't really answer me. He said (his words): "She's like family, so I don't really know how to answer that. We've known each other half of my life. She's family and I she will be my family until I die."
This sent me off the deep end and I became really ugly and am now ashamed of behaving so erratically.
However, was I justified?
We have now been married 2 years, have a baby together and things overall have gone well and he has told me that we fit, that we are aligned.
Of course, in all bad arguments, he tells me really awful things like I'm the "most selfish person he's known,...etc etc"
Often times I run into his ex when I'm back home. She's tried to be nice, and although I know it's a front I don't think she's necessarily a bad person, as much as I want to hate her.
It's really hard for me to maintain my composure when we go to events and I have to be around her.
Every time my husband and her speak I want to scream and walk out. They are so nicey nice to one another and I can just see them comparing lives and accomplishments.
And here I am with no real accomplishments to speak of and I merely feel like a shorter, less athletic, less accomplished version of his ex.
We could be sisters in appearance. Too bad I never noticed it until others pointed it out.
My husband claims we have similar eyes and hands and that's it.
After all, he cannot take everything he said back.
Other people tell me I don't look like her at all.
Not that that matters really. Most importantly, I worry that I made the biggest mistake of my life.
What if he was interested in me to begin with for such stupid reasons. Or if it was all unintentional?
I don't want to live my life that way.
There is an upcoming event that I cannot back out of without being horribly rude and I know she'll be there, looking gorgeous and perfect and talking to everyone about how well her life is going. And what will I do?
I'm one of those people that cannot help but wear her feelings on her sleeves. How do I cope with this without destroying my marriage and my children's lives?
I mean, he's a good dad and he's a good husband and I'm spoiled in all honesty, but I've never been able to shake this horrific feeling of inadequacy when regarding his ex.
My life feels like a sham when I think of her.
I think of her and him and I think, wow. He really never would have left her had she not left him. Had he not screwed up, he'd never be with me now. What if he settled. Downgraded to me.
In case it's not obvious, I feel terrible about this. It only gets worse as the months pass, too.
We get married, it still lingered like a dark cloud.
We moved away, still there.
We get pregnant.
We have a baby.
Really, if all of these things cannot change how i feel about it, will it ever go away or should i simple end the relationship now for fear of damaging my future, his future, my kid's future?
Please help me get some perspective on this!


Answers


bella
2475 days ago
Hi Aroura,

I'm a firm believer that exes can be friends, except if it was an abusive or toxic relationship. You came into their lives - meaning he knew her first. Most of the time it would be his ex, who should be hostile to you. I always use the example of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis - they remained friends and even have gone on vacations together - they support each others new partner.

The fact your husband stays on good terms with his ex - shows they're both good, mature adults. If he split with you, wouldn't you want him to treat you kindly and still care for you as a person?

Your husband wants you - but he can still be friendly and respectful to his ex. His ex has moved on, which is why your husband was invited when her BF was there. Sometimes as women we're too competitive - try not to compare yourself to her. It's not her fault she takes care of herself. The way I see this is - she's not your enemy and if I were you, I would be nice to her. The enemy here is, your own insecurity and self esteem. Don't worry about his ex and accept they're just friends. Just because someones becomes an ex, doesn't mean all caring stops. He can still care for her as a friend/human being BUT you're his wife. So lighten up and don't worry - fighting this will only backfire and make you miserable. I would say join in and be friends or at least be pleasant and peaceful towards her. I hope this helps.



Chemar
2475 days ago
Hi

I agree with Bella

he is married to you now and you have a life together. Many people remain close friends with their exes, and many people also seem to be attracted to the same types of people, so the fact that you may resemble her is no cause for concern IMHO

dont spoil it by creating a problem where there does not seem to be one.

Jealousy is always destructive



KIMSCRAZEE
2475 days ago
DO NOT LISTEN TO BELLA. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO GET HER OUT OF YOUR LIVES FOR GOOD OR GET RID OF HIM!



bella
2475 days ago
You have full right to express a different opinion - in fact the more the merrier. BUT it's rude to tell a poster who to listen to, just because you don't like my opinion.



Chemar
2475 days ago
Hi Kim

I agree that you are entitled to your opinion, but it really is not very polite to tell someone not to "listen" to someone else that way. Much better just to state your view, and if you disagree with what someone else has said, rather just say you disagree. It just seems a bit rude to say it the way you did

also not sure if anyone has ever mentioned to you that typing in all capital letters on the Internet is considered to be shouting



abc12345
2475 days ago
I understand exactly what u r saying...u feel like shit even thinking what u do about her yeah? think u r being selfish, u got him after all, not her?

Screw it...u can feel any way u damn please, u r not a bad person for feeling this way. if anything u r a better person for not being fake and "putting on a damn show".

u r looking for reassurance u r not "bad"....u don't need to...u can not control the way u feel nor look at things...we are all the same and any one of us who claims differently is a fake mole...

im guessing she (the ex) is exactly this...fake, putting on a show to make herself look better, in control, sane, doing nothing wrong, just friends right, nothing wrong with that right... wrong! i bet my life she can see exactly how she affects u, yet she will not break contact and I bet she would get a high if u ever lost it and made a fool of yourself buy expressing what u have here. she will love playing the victim, that she had no idea, she feels horrible that she affected u like this and "if" she knew she would of cut him off a long time ago.

BULLSHIT

she is just one of those personalities, she does not want your husband but wants him to want her for her own selfish egotistical reasons.

I say get rid of her, make him choose and u will have ypur answer in his decision. either he loves u enough to get rid of her because it hurts u or he doesn't.

Don't bug him about it, tell him straight out ONCE how u feel and u give him a decission. If h continue to bash him about thus he will use that as an excuse to leave if that's what he wants and u will always wonder if u made him leave.

nb. make sure thag u really want to know the truth whether he loves u for u or whether u r a replacement huni cause u may regret it later if he doesn't really love you and u go through the whole "wish I didn't say anything, I could still have him."

x good luck babe



TruthHurts - LiesKill
2475 days ago
you do not need to change your looks. jealousy is normal. you and your husband should just sit down and really have a talk about this. dont agrue. dont try to get rid of her or anything just let him know how you feel. make sure that he knows to make you feel that you are the one important to him not her. tell him to make you feel special around her. Dont change yourself because of her, your fine the way you are. he is with you not her. all you need is reasureance. He loves you