Avatar Posted by sunflower28 117 days ago (Question)
I am a female at my 30, I am from a culture that believes on no sex before marriage I married on 27 and start to have sex.Little by little I saw a lot of problems in our marriage and I felt I never love my husband and at the last month of our marriage I started to cry loudly when he tried to have sex( intercourse).I was separated for more than 1 year , living with my ex in one house but no sex ( I didn't want to have)I divorced recently.

when I was 23 I loved my boy friend but we could not marry because of our parents. that relationship ended with a bad depression.

Recently I met a gentleman, I feel I love him and he seems loves me but I can not have sex with him , so it start to ruin our relationship,
I was thinking I didn't like having sex with my ex husband because I didn't love him, but now I start to think why I can not have sex now?
He asked me to see a sex therapist and I think I should but I believe because of a lot of emotional damages that I had during last 8 years I totally lost my interest in sex,
My boy friend keep saying me this issue at my 30 ( having no real good sex)is a severe problem and I should see a doctor
What do you think?


Answers

Written by Edahn 117 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Why do you mean by "you can't have sex" now? What happens? You can click "Reply" and answer my question.

Written by sunflower28 117 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I don't know clearly, I think it is a combination of all following :

I think I am doing something wrong to my self

I have to defend my self because some one wants to heart me

I see my parents face looking at me, So i feel embarrassed

I feel sex is some animalistic aspect of human and I can not stand it.

I think it is against of a portrait of a good girl

I can kiss , i can hug and i like to express my love but when it comes to more, I think my body is very tense and i am not able to continue so I leave the situation.

Written by Edahn 117 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

Well, you've accumulated a lot of association with sex through all the experiences and reflection you've done. Those associations are triggering fearful and, I bet, sad responses, rather than enjoyment, curiosity, and connection (which is what good sexual experiences tend to look like).

What you can do is start to peel away those associations until you become more comfortable and start to feel safe. To do that, you can do a few things:

1) Decide what you'll need to get closure with the past. Closure is something personal. It just means "making peace" and leaving the past where it is, while being open to a new experience in a similar situation. You've suffered some trauma in your last relationship and that, I would think, we be the first place to start. Finding closure doesn't have to become a mystery, and it can be simple. You may need to admit something to yourself, grieve, comfort yourself, write about, say something to someone, make a promise to yourself, or even forgive yourself or another. It's up to you and there's no "right" way to gain closure.

2) I think you need to decide what the truth about sex is. You need to decide which beliefs are real and which were simply inherited from your culture. If you decide sex is dirty and wrong, then don't have it. If you decide that sex can be beautiful, then stick with that. In this stage, you're getting closure with some of the thoughts you've been having that have been distracting you. Decide what you believe and stick to it. If challenging thoughts (e.g., "sex is dirty") come up, just remember what you've decided and let those thoughts be ignored.

3) I think you need to be forgiving and patient with yourself as you build trust. You probably need to find a guy who is patient and who LISTENS to you, not just to his own libido. The guy who is pressuring you now into having sex is probably not the right guy for you. He's not a bad guy, but you're in a delicate situation and need someone who is sensitive to your needs. A guy who is too forceful and driven by his own agenda will not be sensitive enough, I'm afraid. I'm not saying I know this for a fact, but that's my intuition. What's your intuition telling you? That will be most important. You can let your trust guide you through the rest of the process.

4) Be patient. This is a gradual process, not an immediate one.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head. If you need more help, I would suggest finding a good therapist who you can trust and who seems to have her shit together. (Pardon my tongue.) :)

Good luck to you. I think this is very, very workable. Just collect yourself and be smart and take things slow. Keeping a journal of your progress (and occasional regress) would be a fantastic idea.

-Edahn

Written by Fpsy 117 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi Sunflower,

it is understandable that you feel the way you do. I'm not going to say you have serious issues, like your partner has suggested. You were forced to give up someone you loved at 23 and forced to marry someone whom your family thought was suitable. This has restricted your opportunity for growth around your feelings of love and gaining knowledge about relationships. It has also restricted your growth about understanding your needs in a relationship and your needs surrounding love, intimacy and sex.

It sounds like during your first relationship you were forced to have sex with someone whom you didn't want to. Sex can be a sharing and loving experience for two people, but if one person is having to do it to satisfy someone else all the time, then it can feel like you have been violated. Your crying loudly when your husband tried to have sex with you sounds to me like you might have felt this way. It would make sense then that you now feel uncomfortable about having sex with your new partner.

I think it would help if you went to see a therapist to talk about your feelings around having to give up the boyfriend that you loved at 23 and having to endure years of unwanted sex with a man you didn't love and possibly didn't like. You may have some other issues around relationships that you would like to discuss with the therapist.

I don't think your new partner should pressure you into having sex. You don't have to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. It's important that you begin intimacy when you are ready.

There are plenty of other ways to be intimate were sex isn't involved. You and your partner could try lots of kissing and caressing. Exploring each other bodies without the pressure to have sex and orgasm. I hope that your partner can understand this and is emotionally supportive of you around this time. Relationships take work and it is a myth that things fall into place easily and comfortably.

I hope this helps.

Written by sunflower28 117 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

thank you for your good answer

Written by Clyde 117 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

It seriously may not hurt to see a doctor about it. It sounds like it is more psychological than it is physical, but start with a medical doctor first.

Best,

Clyde


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