Avatar Posted by Scaredandalone 54 days ago (Question)
All my life I have been abused by everyone that is supposed to love me. My mother beat me mercilessly growing up for even the smallest things. My father never hit me but he was usually off doing drugs or screwing other women. He did hit my mom and beat her in front of me. He's currently living with his new girlfriend somewhere else and I never hear from him. Everyone on my mothers side of the family beat me and verbally and emotionally abused me.

I've been given many bruises and refused dinner and locked in my room to cry to myself at night. Even as a young adult I am still living with my grandparents, who aren't afraid to hit me or throw things at me if they are unhappy with me. But that isn't my problem. It's my boyfriend.
We've been together for 2 years, we met online. We've been together in person before, I've visited him, and he's visited me. At first things were wonderful, he never got angry at me, he was kind, loving, romantic. He promised me he'd take me away from everything that was wrong and he despised my family for how they treated me.

Then somehow things changed. We can't go a day without an argument and now it's gotten to the point where he will insult me and threaten to break up with me. He'll tell me I'm stupid and worthless and that he hates me, he never says he sorry. And I sit there and I beg him to please...please forgive me. Even if I don't know what I did was wrong. I've cried and I've cried and I've cried and he acts as if he feels nothing. I quit high school because of him. I wanted so desperately to get away from my abusive family... this place where I have no friends and no one to turn to... that I quit everything I was doing just to be with him. And now I'm not good enough for him. I feel like if I left him I would die. I love him more than I could ever fathom loving anyone. But... I don't know what to do. My heart is aching so much. All I want is for someone to treat me like they care about me or love me. My entire life is a failure and I feel like I should just kill myself. I know suicide is stupid, but there isn't a single person that knows me in and out like my boyfriend does, and somehow me spending every single day talking to him has driven him to hate me. Is there anything in this world that can fix me?


Answers

Written by psyguy 54 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

My dear girl, you're not a failure... you are a success. The fact that you can love anyone after what you've described above makes you a success. And, no one is worth taking your own life over.

I too was the survivor of childhood abuse. My mother neglected us, my step-father molested me, my father emotionally and, at times, physically abuse me. It left deep scars that affected my life in profoundly dark ways.

These scars affected my self-worth and esteem, my ability to trust and love others, and left me feeling hopeless and without purpose. I lived a life of irresponsibility. Fear of failure left me tattered. Fear of being hurt doomed me to bad relationships, mostly at my own doing.

The worst of all was fear of abandonment, of loving someone and watching them leave me behind. Nothing hurts worse than wanting to be loved, to then be rejected by the one(s) you love most. It wounds as at the deepest level of our being.

I often felt the need for a desperate grab to keep people from leaving me. But, the truth is that the more we seek to keep people in-check, control the outcome, the more it slips through our fingers. We're afraid to lose control, you and I... the survivors struggling to control our little worlds.

The truth is, its an illusion and a weakness to believe we can control external things. It's entirely likely that he is using the name calling and threats of leaving you in an attempt to manipulate you, to do what he wants you to do. Don't allow that to happen.

You should be able to (with courage) say to him, "I love you, but I'm not going to allow you to tear me down like this. And, if you want to go, than go. I won't stop you. Just know that I love you and the choice is yours."

His tactic is to tear you down to a controllable point. It's an abuse tactic that is all-too-common. You are probably familiar with this method, as you too are a survivor of childhood abuse.

The only fix for this is to take power back over your life. People will not respect you if you do not respect yourself. Be strong, stand up, be firm. Put the ball back in his court with "I love you, but no more names or threats... you decide."

If he can't comply with this than you probably have another potential abuser on your hands. That being the case, it may be best to let him go. There are millions of other fish in the sea and you're worth having the best.

Written by Scaredandalone 54 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thank you for your reply... I have tried telling him "If you hate me so much, if I make you so miserable, then just break up with me." He says "No you do it." But I don't have the courage and I don't want to leave him. Leaving him would mean that there is no one for me to love and no one that loves me. Nothing is easy for me. If I left him I'd have no one and no where to go. We aren't living together, but we were planning for me to leave the state and move in with him permanently... My grandparents want me out of their house and I have no other family members or friends that I can be with. I can't get a job because I still haven't gotten my G.E.D (because I left highschool) So I have no money or anything. If I left him I'd be an emotional mess with no support from anyone. I have no initiative or desire to do anything... I feel like there is nothing I can do to get my life on track and there is literally no one I can talk to about how I'm feeling. Everything I used to do for myself... that I enjoyed... I just stopped enjoying. Nothing makes me happy anymore...

My boyfriend emotionally and verbally abuses me, but my grandparents (living with them because my mom is away right now overseas) physically, emotionally and verbally abuse me. So I think, at least he's never hit me when we were together.

Written by Scaredandalone 54 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

double post.

Written by Chemar 54 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

((((((((((((Scaredandalone))))))))))))

I have said a prayer for you, that you will find a way to move forward with your life without having to be in this abusive cycle anymore.

I understand that you desperately need love and security, but your boyfriend isnt giving you that. He is only piling on more hurt. just because he hasnt become physically abusive (yet...)doesnt make the abuse any better. sadly you know only too well what pain verbal and emotional abuse brings.

Not sure if you know but their are online ways to study for your GED and your local library should also have GED preparation books that you can borrow. Maybe turning you main focus on that will help you. Dont let not having the GED yet deter you from job hunting tho. It is a very tuff job market right now, but there may be openings that you could fill. Someone I know joined a house cleaning team while she studied for her GED, and she made good money from that. Fast Food restaurants may also be hiring and many dont require high school or GED.

Dont give up on yourself! YOU are worthwhile! Just because other people have tried to demean you doesnt negate that your worth.

Have you been to the forums at PsychCentral? There are many caring people there, and some that have been thu similar to what you have. It may really help you to connect with more people who can support you at this time. here is the link

http://forums.psychcentral.com/

hoping things get better for you. please dont give up or give in!

Written by Aneohoh 52 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Your thinking is very, very dangerous. Change your thinking, and you will change your life.

Stop being a victim.

How do you do that? Start by ending the relationship with this guy who is making your life a living hell and will continue to do so.

Nobody is going to rescue you except yourself.

Begin by moving out of your abusive grandparents home.

Get a job and if need be rent a room at the Y, or go to a shelter temporarily.

Try to get some financial aid in order to further your education...there are tons of free grants.

Have as little as possible contact with your abusive family members....for your own mental health.

Try to make friends who are intelligent, understanding, and like it's said: you gotta be a friend in order to have a friend.

Devote some time to something, anything, that is larger than yourself.....helping the homeless, helping needy children,...something, anything, that will enable you to see that your own life isn't so bad.

Change your thinking about love....go to the library and read....find out what true love really is...find out what true love actually does.

Don't fall for the adage: "oh, but she's my mother and I really do love her"....there are peoople in mental institutions all over this country who have been deluded by such thinking! Love is earned. Love is demonstrated.

Love is compassion, not abuse.

Good luck to you.

Written by NOC 52 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I believe that is taking advantage of you. He's probably done this before. Try leaving him and see if how we responds, but do it for a long time. If he calls you back, and he sounds sorry, talk it through. If not, then try to make him jealous. If he does touch you, as in hit you, call police. As for your family, they don't like you. I'm not stating a mean opinion, but they probably want you out the house. Develop a relationship with your nrighbors.

Written by psyguy 52 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Fear is the most powerful adhesive in keeping people stuck in unhealthy situations.

Many times (and we can all agree on this) people have had a relationship that they feel is the be-all, end-all of relationships. "I'll never find another love like this" or "I'll be utterly alone if he/she leaves". I felt like this before exiting a few relationships in my lifetime, only to find that sometime later, a new opportunity emerged and I found love again... or, love found me.

I recognize that you are in a difficult situation,and scared, but can you agree that it is not a healthy situation? High school degree or not, it's up to you to problem-solve a solution to this, whether that means working through matters with your boyfriend, or finding an exit strategy for your own welfare and safety.

There are community resources available to you, no matter what you choose, including women's resources, the YWCA, church groups, community colleges, and any number of programs aimed at helping struggling people obtain a healthy life.

I will only say this, as a victim of childhood abuse myself... we've learned to ignore the obvious mistreatment, pretend we can fix the abuse and the abuser(s), and endure the damage it causes because we convinced ourselves that this its normal, or not too bad, or could be worse... and worst of all, that its better than being alone.

Don't let the fear of loneliness deter you from being responsible for your own life and well being. You deserve relationships that are a sanctuary, and not a sentence. No one who truly loves you would mistreat you in anyway that would cause you lasting harm. Remember that please.

Written by Clyde 45 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Psyguy is dead on. You dont deserve this guy. You have survived so much with so little, and you definitely should be proud of how far you have come.

Dont let him steal the rest of your life from you. You are the one in charge of it.

Please try to get away from him. The next step is probably worse abuse, and as a past abused person, I am sure you know that.

Best,

Clyde


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