Avatar Posted by before-i-forget 112 days ago (Question)
I was with my ex boyfriend for around 2 years, and was honestly the happiest i've ever been then. We were very much in love, and had known each other for a long time. About a year in he started speaking about a girl from uni quite a lot, and also started seeing her a lot, but whenever i asked him about it he'd snap at me and make me feel absolutely stupid. This went on for about a year. It was absolute agony but i didn't want to lose him.

Eventually we broke up. He gave a list of lame reasons (e.g He wanted to travel the next year and knew he wouldn't want to leave me if we were still together). I didn't argue.

Two weeks later we ran into each other at a party, and he told me that he still knew we'd end up together in the end and that he still loved me, and always would.

A few months later i found out via photos on facebook that he'd got together with the girl from uni a week or so after he broke up with me(Before i saw him at the party). I've never felt such betrayal, and realised that he'd been lying to me for over a year. It was devastating.

This was a year a go. I still feel just as bad as i did then. I sent him a message telling him that i knew, and asking him not to speak to me again. But i honestly can't believe that he couldn't be honest after all those lies, and that he just let me find out like that. We haven't spoken since.

I've moved on with my life, and go out with friends a few times a week, but can't seem to trust men anymore. He's still with the girl from uni, and they're happy, but i can't help but feel i've completely got the short end of the stick. I still love him as much as i didnt then, but i don't know how or WHY i feel like that after what has happened. I thought i'd feel better in time, but i can't seem to get over the betrayal. I just don't know what else i can do to make myself feel better and back to my old self. Any suggestions?



Answers

Written by bellacutie 112 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think it's normal to be apprehensive about trusting again after being hurt like this. It's also normal to feel you got the short end of the stick, especially when you see they're happy - you wonder to yourself "why couldn't he be happy with me". I know it's hard to just switch off love, but you must know he's not deserving of your love anymore.

I think anyone who takes a chance loving someone most likely experiences hurt at sometime. I've come to believe that we're here on this earth to learn life lessons through good and bad(more so) experiences. The only way you can make yorself feel better is to say it was meant to be and ask yourself what did this relationship teach you? Perhaps this relationship ended because God wants you to meet someone else who's better for you. When relationships end it's normal to go through a mourning stage. You don't want a man who can't be truthful anyway - right? Try not to let what happened tarnish your opinion of other men. It's important to be patient, accept that it's over and take it as a learning experience. Make sure you take care of yourself with eating well and exercising - as they say the best revenge is living well. Good luck. :)

Written by Francesca 112 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

When you say "it was the happiest you have ever been." This is a good indicator of why you're not moving on. You still look back on your old relationship as something you lost and haven't recovered from. A good way to get past this is to look at what was going on back then and why you were happy in an objective manner, instead of saying it was because of your boyfriend.

What were you receiving from him that made you happy? I am sure when you look at it from this angle you will see that there are many ways to satisfy the same needs. Stop looking at your ex as the source for that happiness. Instead of saying "He was this for me," say "I am happy when these traits are available." Honestly there are a lot of great guys in the world, with similar traits, that are a little more mature. Try dating men who have their stuff together and are not still figuring out what they want in life, until you get some confidence to try opening up again.

Truth of the matter is, if you're ex was not open and honest with you he still has a lot of growing up to do. He seems like a coward to me.

Written by Clyde 109 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Its definitely normal to not feel good and not to want to move on. As Francesca said, the whole "happiest you have ever been" is a good exclamation to why you dont feel the need to move on.

If that is the happiest you have ever been, why would you want to move from that or its memories?

You have to realize that you need to do so, though, even though it is hard, because the longer you stay in this frame of mind, the harder it will be to get out.

Best,

Clyde


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