Hello all. I am new to this site, in fact I have never posted my thoughts and feelings on the web before so please bear with Me. OK, down to it. I am a 34 year old man, married for 3 years with 3 kids and I am completely and utterly miserable with my wife. I guess a little background is needed here for yall to fully understand so I'll just start at the beginning. Go back 5 or 6 years to when We started dating. Well, we actually had dated some before that about 5 or so years ago when I was starting a business in Austin. She and one of her friends would come spend the weekends with Us, Myself and My best friend. We only dated a few months and when it was over there were no hard feelings, or so I thought. Now lets Jump forward about 5 years. I was single and had just bought a house that I was going to fix up and sale in My home town when she came back into My life. Now she is married but separated with a 1 year old son and living in another town about 40 miles away. She tells Me her husband beats her and treats her like shit and now has gone to work overseas for several months and they are getting divorced. So, We begin to see each other on the weekends. She seems to be a wonderful woman and overall a good person. Things progress well for about a year until one night she goes out with some friends while I stay home and watch her son. The next day I get a call from a good friend telling Me she was seen kissing another man in the parking lot. I confront her about it and of course she denies that it happened and says that the person who told me is lying because she wants me for herself which I know is bullshit but I can't prove it so I just tried to let it go. I tried to just go on with my life like it never happened but I just couldn't get it out of my head. Every time We would have sex I would think about her with someone else so, gradually the intimacy between us started to wane. We began having these terrible fights over the smallest nonsense. She became this horrible person. She would just completely flip out, screaming and cussing Me up and down. Finally, one night in the midst of one of her breakdowns, I told her that we needed some time to think about what we wanted for the future. I forgot to mention that she and her son had moved in with me and had been living with me for about 6 months when this all happened. Anyway, the next day after the fight while I was at work, she packed her stuff and left town and never said a word to me. She didn't tell me she was leaving, where she was going or if or when she would come back. I was devastated. I lost my mind. I searched for her for weeks and called everyone she knew, I even drove to her parents house and talked to her folks about her and asked them where she had gone. It was at the time the worst time in my life, I just couldn't handle being rejected like that. I even called her ex-mother-in-law posing as a friend of her husband and found out that he had come back from overseas and she had been with him in louisiana at her dads place. When they realized that I was the one who called, she called me from his phone and told me that she was with her husband and to never call her again. It completely ruined me. I was a mess and I wasn't getting any better. Finally, after about 2 months of misery, she calls me and tells me it is over with him, that she had to try, for the sake of her son to make it work with him. I was just so happy to hear from her again. so relieved I guess that I just let her come back, I took her right back into my life even after being used, lied to and humiliated. She never really explained where she had been and what she was doing and I thought that I could once again let it all go and live with it. Wrong. The fights started again and this time they were much, much worse. She was a totally different person. I mean she had changed so much that I didn't even know who she was anymore. I flat couldn't believe what had happened to her, that she could become this horrible, screaming, cussing, hateful person when she was just so wonderful and perfect before. One night we had a knock down drag out fight in which I expressed the way I felt and the way I saw her now and she asked me if I wanted her anymore. I thought about it for a good while and decided that I did not love her and didn't want to share my life with her anymore and that it was time for her to leave for good. I walked outside and waited for her to pack up and leave. About 15 minutes later she calls me into the bathroom and tells me she in pregnant. I decided right then that I was going to try my best to be a good father and take care of her and my son as well as her child. The problem was and still is that I just didn't love her anymore or trust her for that matter but, I was going to try and make it work, for the sake of MY SON. It was a pretty terrible pregnancy, for both of us and after he was born my love and attention shifted to my son and Lori, my wife, became bitter and jealous as a result. I had this seed of doubt in my head about whether Mike,my son, was really mine so we had a DNA test performed and it turned out that he was in fact my son. I was much happier and trusting after hearing the results of the test but the fact that I needed the test at all just made Lori furious and created all manner of problems for us. I simply had to have that question answered, no way around it, but the damage was done and that test has become the subject of many arguments. Anyway, Lori began having all sort of medical issues, Mike did too and our lives were consumed by doctor visits and hospital stays and tests and surgeries and all our relationship issues were put on the back burner. She started having all kinds of hormonal... episodes I guess I'll call it, around this time and made my whole families life hell. She started not trusting me at all and needed to know my whole days activities to make her feel comfortable. I had to account for every minute of my day so she wouldn't think I was cheating on her. Now first of all, I have NEVER given her a reason to not trust me. NEVER. I have completely given up my life so that she can feel loved. She gives me hell even when I work. She wants me around ALL THE TIME. It drives me crazy that she doesn't trust me. I can't even walk outside to smoke without her following me. I mean, for the past 3 years, she has been up my ass following me outside, making me explain what I've been doing and where I've been going and who I've been with for every minute of my day. I play in a band. I was playing music before I ever met her and I will be playing music the rest of my life, period. I will not stop just because she feels "LEFT OUT". AS a band, we must practice, rehearse, but every single week it is the same bullshit from her, why can't I go, how long are you going to play, who's going to be there, when are you coming back, even after I have explained all of this to her hundreds of times over the past 5 years. That's just one of the issues giving me ulcers and grey hair. Now, she is angry all the time. At Me and the kids, at my family, her parents, my friends, her friends, everyone treats her like shit according to her, everyone has a life but her. Anyway, back to the story. NOV 2008 my daughter was born, right around the time I was thinking of leaving her. In fact, every time I start thinking about leaving or trying to make some kind of change, something happens, some catastrophe befalls her or one of the kids and once again I must put my own well being aside and deal with whatever problem that's facing us. This is how my life is, just one disaster after another, one fight after another. I didn't mention that over the years I've been with her, I have been taking care of all the kids. For whatever reason at the time, I must take over raising the kids because she is either recovering from surgery or in pain because she needs to have surgery or recovering from childbirth of just generally sick or in pain. It's either a headache or a stomach ache or a leg ache or her monthly cramps that, according to her are worse than any other woman on the planet and are completely debilitating. This has been happening for the past 3 or 4 years. I cook all the meals, I clean the house most of the time, I feed the kids, I bath the kids, I dress the kids, I take the kids to school and daycare, I pick them up and take then home, I give them medicine when necessary, I'm also the only one that works and she stays upset with me about that. I do all the fixing and working on the house as well as the yard. I have also given up almost all of my friends just so I can spend more time with her and be there to help her with whatever she needs. If I cloned myself a dozen times I still wouldn't spend enough time with her to suit her needs. I have given that woman everything I have to offer and it is still not enough for her. She just, not 3 weeks ago, had another surgery to address some issues from complications from a hysterectomy and I have been by her side this whole time. My parents have been taking care of all the kids, even Payton, her son from the first marriage, because her own family are all just as selfish and self absorbed as she is and will not help us. All of this and just this morning she has another one of her "episodes" and tells me that I'm selfish and only think of myself and never give her what she needs. How is this possible when all I have done for the past 5 years is cater to her needs. I have basically put my life and dreams on hold for her. No not on hold, I have just given up on myself and I am fed up with it. She treats me like her slave, her servant like I'm her property and must do her bidding. I can no longer live this way. I fight back tears everyday and have to talk myself out of slitting my wrists all the time because of her bullshit. Sex is an issue for use as well. We never have sex anymore, never. But it's not because she doesn't want it. I'm the one who doesn't want it. I just don't find her attractive anymore. Not physically but generally. She is a pretty negative person and every single day there is some kind of "problem" that I must deal with as well as her terrible attitude and constant bitching, nagging and whining. All of those things coupled with my incredibly, abnormally full days and nights totally rob me of any desire to touch her intimately. She'll cuss me up and down and throw these huge fits and then when we're in bed want to have sex like nothing has ever happened. What the fuck is wrong with this woman? Lately I would rather have sex with a tree than cozy up to her even though it's been months and months. I have always been faithful to her. ALWAYS. Not once have I even come close to cheating, not that I haven't had plenty of opportunities. Hell, I know at least a dozen women who are more than willing to "comfort" me in my times of need, but I still do not cheat even though I constantly get accused of it. This mornings fight, I think, was the last straw for me. I got up this morning and just went to work. I didn't get the kids up or take mike to daycare, I figured she could handle one morning on her own. Boy was I wrong. She tried to call my cell several times while I was in the restroom as well as calling the office where I work. When she couldn't reach me she got pissed off and when she finally got hold of me started screaming about me not really being at work and asking where I had been. I got very upset and thanked her for ruining my day and told her not to talk to me that way anymore and hung up. Alot of good it did, now I'm a bastard, a dick, a selfish prick who thinks only of himself and loves only my son and daughter. I am seriously thinking about divorcing her only, I cannot, I will not live without my kids. They are the only reason I'm still with her, the only reason I have put myself through all this torture and misery. What can I do? I know my kids love her and I really don't want to cause them or her any pain, I just do not love her anymore and simply can't live with her. Also, she is a very, very vindictive woman. She will do everything in her power to hurt me if I decide to divorce her, kind of like if she can't have me then she'll make it to where no one would want me, not that I really care, She has really put me off having a relationship or getting married ever again. I don't really know but I think I could be happy with just my kids. No, I do know. It would make me very happy if it was just MIKE, LAYLA and Myself. I think that would make me extremely happy. I'm very sorry about being so log winded and I'll understand if no one wants to read all this garbage, I just had to vent a little to keep from imploding on myself. If anyone would like to comment on this or possibly give me some advice, I will be more than grateful. Anyway, Thanks for listening folks. Have a great day with JESUS! CAR


Answers


bella
1837 days ago
Hi,

I can feel you're very frustrated and glad you got some relief venting this. I think your marriage is beyond repair especially since you desperately want out. I understand the terrible predicament you're in because you don't want to lose your kids or be victim to her vindicative ways.

I think you need an excellent lawyer but they're expensive. Since you are the main caregiver I don't think she could care for them on her own. I'm hoping that she'll be reasonable and let you have custody or at least 50/50. I think you need to keep a journal. Has she ever been diagnosed with any psychological condition? Maybe you'll get lucky and she'll leave on her own - but not with the kids. Make sure she doesn't take them out of state!! I think you were right to request a DNA test.

That's all I can say for now, is seek the advice of a good lawyer. You might also want to get counselling to help you with the stress. Hope it all works out. Hugs, Bella



Edahn
1837 days ago
That was insanely long. LOL. But bella and I seem to have made it.

It's pretty obvious that you're really angry with things. It makes sense that you'd be angry given how the situation with your wife has deteriorated. From what I hear, there is no trust and sadly, no care.

Your wife sounds very insecure to me. I use that term to describe someone who doesn't have faith that the future will be okay or faith that she's capable of finding a way to be happy. That it one reason why she skips from relationship to relationship and doesn't trust you. In other words, she does not possess the quality of trust.

You, in response, are taking her accusations and games personally. You are interpreting them as reflections of your own worth and reputation, and that's causing you to react with hostility, defensiveness, depression, and anger. The alternative would be to clearly identify your wife's patterns and see that her games emanate from a place of personal weakness inside HER, not you. If you clearly recognize that, you could, I believe, find care for this woman. That care would help you find ways to resolve your issues wisely and swiftly.

You said you were ready for a divorce, however. Like bella said, invest in a good attorney. That's all you really need these days. Find someone with lots of experience and make sure you interview them and scope them out prior to paying the retainer.

Have either of you been in counseling, separate or together?



Clyde
1821 days ago
I think having a good lawyer AND a good counselor would be beneficial. Talk to them and see what is going on with you, trying to work things out with your own issues.

By the way, add Clyde to the list of whom read the whole thing. :)

I hope things get better for you.

Best,

Clyde