Avatar Posted by absnail 44 days ago (Question)
I am 17 and have a boyfriend who loves me, and cares about me very much. We have been dating for 2 and a half years. In fact, I think it would completely devastate him if I ever left him. This is my first serious boyfriend. I am currently doing my A levels and am intelligent, more so than my boyfriend, although he is a mainly B student.

My problem is that I just don't want to have sex. I'm still a virgin, and although I have given and recieved oral from him, I find the idea of any sexual activity dirty and a chore. This is really an issue as i know that he wants it, and the more he nags me, the more frustrated I get, and I end up just going along with it to get it out of the way, as oral or any sexual activity is practically the last thing I want to be doing, often this kind of behaviour used to make me feel hugely ashamed and dirty and used, but now I just do it, and try not to think about it. In fact usually Ill be thinking about something totally different untill he ejaculates and its all over. I make up tonnes of excuses to get out of it too! and I know that my boyfriend knows this, but he relies very heavily emotionally on me. Sometimes, after watching porn I find the idea of sex so repulsive and boring that I consider staying a virgin my whole life! Its not that I dont find men attractive, I find myself feeling flustered over tonnes of men who usually tend to be tall and dark, fit and masculin. I also frequently find myself drawn to older men, and want to be looked after and.... I dont know...dominated by them? I have no idea why because my boyfriend is one of the nicest caring guys ever.

I dont know if some of my feelings are due to the fact that I'm quite religious, as I sometimes get paranoid about sex being wrong before marriage (i respect other peoples opinions on that) I am also not sure if it's because I dont fancy my boyfriend that much (hes blonde and a heavy build)....is it all because I mistake friendship for love? I never used to feel like this.
I dont know if the recent split between my parents has anything to do with this either. Please try and be supportive...thanks for reading this, and please help me!


Answers

Written by absnail 44 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

sorry did I said 17. It was my birthday last week. I'm 18

Written by bellacutie 44 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

First of all I think its important that you're in control of whether or not you have sex. If you believe you have to be married then that's an admirable quality. If you're engaging in oral sex and thinking about anything else - this isn't good for you or your BF. I'm not sure where your apprehension about sex is rooted - it may be from several areas. While growing up to your teens - what was the message you got from home. Was it shunned or shamed?? Have you ever been physically attracted to your BF? Pardon the question - have you experienced orgasm? It may be that you're not ready for sex at all. It's important that you enventually sort this out before you get married in the future. Bella

Written by Chemar 44 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi

as much as you love your boyfriend, if you are having negative reactions to your sexual contact, then you need to try to explain how you feel to him, and hope that he will understand and respect that you are just not ready for this, whatever the reason. It's only natural that he wants the sexual side of your relationship, but for it to be leaving you feeling like this is not good for either of you.

Bella has asked some important questions too related to why you may feel this way about sex.

Some people just arent sexual and that isnt anything to be ashamed of either!

Also, reading thru your message, it seems to me that perhaps you may also just not be sexually attracted to your bf even tho you care deeply for him. I also get the feeling from your words that you may be with him more because of his need for you? Perhaps your feelings are more of platonic love?

So sorry to also read of the split between your parents. that must be hard for you. Were you feeling this way about sex before they split?

I know a number of young people who have decided to wait before beginning to explore sex, for a variety of reasons, including their religious beliefs. If that is how you feel deep down, then I believe you should follow your convictions, not because anyone else is telling you to, but because of it feeling right to do that for YOU.

Anyway, those are just some of my thoughts. Not sure if it has helped at all, but I do hope you manage to work things out so that you can be at peace within.

Written by Clyde 43 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

It probably does have a little bit to do with your religious aspects, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Also, congratulations on being a virgin--that is not a bad thing either.

If you are not ready for it, do not push yourself into it--you will regret it later.

You should do what is right for you!

There are others who arent sexual either, and their issues vary depending on whatever.

Be comfortable with yourself.

Best,

Clyde

Written by dusky1 42 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think that your problem could also be a psychological block that developed somewhere in your past. I'm no expert, and while it could be exactly what was mentioned before, that is, that ur just not sexual, I personally believe that this has something to do with your past and possibly relating to your religious views.

As children, our brains are like sponges and parents or the people around you don't realize that it's the things that we might consider harmless, that can cause the most harm.

Maybe somewhere in your childhood, your parents constantly grilled it into your brain that sex is bad or maybe it was another experience that got you thinking it.

I speak from my own personal experience though, as I have almost the same problem, except I do like sex, I just have this mental block about it and i think some of what you think. That it's dirty, a chore, and wrong before marriage based on my religious beliefs.

However, what I found is that when I started doing it, it became easier, I still have the same apprehensions, but it's not as bad, because I realized after doing it, that it's not the end of the world.

My apprehensions came about (well, one way am sure of anyway)through my grandmother and mother telling me that sex is bad and men only want one thing from you (sex) and you'll pregnant after doing it or AIDS and your life will be over.

Then I went to a catholic school which just taught us flat out that it was wrong outside o marriage.

Also, I think you don't like your boyfriend that much and in fact resent him. I also think that you have low self esteem which could be the reason why ur still with a guy you don't really like (like as a bf that is), because you think that you won't be able to find someone else who loves you the same way. Guess what....there are lots of fish in the sea, don't ever think that you won't find the right gu...cause then you definitely won't.

But my advice would be to top stressing over it and find someone else t experiment with, unless you really want to wait until marriage.

But from my experience, (and am just saying, not trying to encourage you to go out and sleep with the world), the more you get out there and test the waters, the easier it is to find out wat you like. You hinted at being dominated, maybe that's what you like, maybe you can even ask ur bf to try 'dominating' you....but don't give up hope just yet....not after one guy.

Again....just my opinion, I could be wrong.


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