Avatar Posted by luka1 1375 days ago (Question)
I have a boyfriend and I love him to bits, we were friends before we got together and he is very important person to me. I have never been happier, but... I just don't want to have sex with him. It suppose to be our "honeymoon period", it is early days in our relationship, but I don't want him close to me.
We have great time togehther no matter where we are,but sex is a chore for me. I keep on making excuses and he knows it.
I had few bad relationships before and been disapointed by guys, maybe it is because of that. Sex is the last thing that i think of and it so not me, I am 23 and I always had big sex drive. Now, it is all about a man, it feels like it is something i HAVE to do, I want it or not.
My boyfriend sees everything and never forces me, but I feel bad. I feel I can't give him everything he needs....
I just don't know what to think, what has happened to me? Is it something in my past? or is it something in our relationship?..... it really depresses me but I just can't force myself.


Answers


bella
1375 days ago
If you're depressed then this can affect a persons sex drive but I don't know if you're depressed. Also medications and hormones can also affect sex drive but you seem too young for this but you could go to your doctor and request some bloodwork. Have you ever been sexually assaulted? For now I think you shouldn't feel like you need to force yourself and just enjoy being close(cuddling). Tell your BF that you want to work on feeling close but not necessarlly having sex - meaning enjoy the closeness with touching only. It would also be good for you, when you feel like it, to initiate sex with him. Is it possible that you're worried about future of the relationship and that it might fail? I hope you feel better.
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luka1
1374 days ago
I don't know if I am depressed, people around me probably think that I am happy joly person, but it is not complete truth. I have my moments when I feel down and when all world is againts me, when I think that whatever I do, I never succeed. But doesn't everyone feel that way sometimes?

I can't even answer if I have been sexually assaulted, more I think about it, more I relise that I have been with wrong men in my life. I have felt that men were using me for their own pleasures. I am pretty girl and have loads of charizma, everywhere I go I always get loads of attention from men. Before I used to enjoy it, now it puts me off, I hate them stearing at me, I can even feel aggressive because of that. I never do anything but I can feel anger inside.

I am pretty sure that it is all psychological, but I don't want my boyfriend to suffer because of that.

Thank you very much for your answer, I will try to follow your advise. I will have a conversation with him and probably being close without having sex will help. Because he could feel that I would even try to avoid cuddles, just in case it would lead to something more.
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Thumbelina
1374 days ago
Dear Luka1,

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that I might know what is going on. I'm not a psychologist or a mental health professional but actually, I went through this myself.

Perhaps because you are a very attractive woman and have easily had relationships in the past, you have taken up with men casually because you were lonely or you knew you could always get someone interested in you easily, or you could always attract a man simply by your looks and perhaps you thought that that was the main thing you had to offer or the main thing that the man wanted.

Now, you realize that you are really not happy inside. The person you were presenting to the world, including the one that you would present to men, was not the real you. And now that you are realizing this, you want to pull away from everyone, including your boyfriend, and discover exactly who the genuine you is. One the one hand, you do love your boyfriend, but he also represents the men who you have known who you did not necessarily like being with but who found you attractive. Does this make sense?

OK. You could probably use someone to talk to. Do you have a close friend? Or can you talk to your boyfriend about this? The ideal thing would be for you to talk to a counselor or therapist because you could get objective feedback from him/her. I think that if you explain to your boyfriend what you are going through has little to do with him sexually, you might come to a compromise that you both can live with. Bellacutie always gives good advice! Best of luck to you.
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mavieboy
1374 days ago
I would give it time.
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luka1
1373 days ago
Thank you very much, what you said makes a lot of sense. And if you have been through this, you must relise how hard it is sometimes.

My boyfriend is very understanding and we have been talking about it a lot last few days. I am really glad that we both recognise that there is a problem and we talk about it, not pretending that everything is fine and hope everything will get sorted out itself.

I think I will try to take things easy and slow, see how it goes and I will talk to him a lot. And if it doesn't help I will look for some professional help.

Thank you very much for your answer!
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Jazi5
1373 days ago
Though this might not have anything to do with why you don't want to get close; I know that a couple of years ago when I was sexual harassed etc...I didn't want anyone to touch me at all; I actually blocked that memory out of my mind, and started to want less and less contact from people, now I've realized it was because of that memory I've blocked out....Maybe something like that has happened to you; if not, sorry I have no clue what it is, though I think Thumbelina is on the right path..
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luka1
1372 days ago
I found some truth in this....
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Clyde
1356 days ago
It is also true that some people are just not as interested in sex as others.

Our culture now makes it look like all of us are animals in heat, ready to copulate at the drop of anything, while of course, in real life, that isnt true, always.

There is nothing wrong with you that way. Other things, have you been abused? Harassed? Embarrassed about your body? That kind of stuff?

Best,

Clyde
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shellbell592
935 days ago
Luka1, I was hoping you found the answer to your question... i have exactly the same issue... except I never really necessarily had a sex drive to begin with... my boyfriend is the most calm and caring man I met that can talk about ANYTHING with me.. he never forced me to have sex.. and he knows i do not like it...

I was hoping you figured out the problem? what did you do...
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