My boyfriend and I are both 21 years old. We began dating when we were 19, and were each others first serious relationship. We were blissfully happy together for almost a year, and then with no real warning, he abruptly told me he did not love me anymore. I was shocked and devastated. He claimed he didn't want to break up and needed time to think. Two days later we met up to talk and he was very affectionate, but he hesitantly ended the relationship despite this.

Over the next few months we were still in contact with one another, we would met up, go to the movies, have dinner and even become physical with each other. However, when things started to move towards a serious commitment, he became distant. I became very angry and frustrated with this and insisted on asking him why this was.
He explained to me that he did not want a girlfriend at this time of his life and needed to figure himself and his own life out first. He also said he 'didn't want to end up like his father' (this I found to be rather important, since about a month before we started dating his father left his mother in a very cruel and abrupt way. The divorce was incredibly ugly, and he ended up being his mothers emotional crutch. It was a massive blow to him, as he had always perceived his family to be ideal and very close).

A few months after this, we were in contact again. Before he left on a trip I asked him to chose either being in a committed relationship, or ending our involvement all together. He chose to end it. I was upset, but began moving on with my life rapidly once I knew where we stood.

I was unaware that once he had gone away on his trip, he had thought more intently on the idea and realised he had made a mistake and wanted to be committed. Once he got back and heard I was becoming involved with another man, he became frantic to rekindle our relationship before it was too late and begged me to return to him. He explained that he had been stupid, immature and pathetic. He said we had been the best of friends, and he hadn't realised how strongly he felt for me until he thought he had lost me.
I agreed to see him, and to casually date for a period while I decided whether or not . We eventually reconciled completely, and have been happier than ever since.

The only problem is that I sometimes fear he is going to leave me again without warning. Sometimes i get scared after we have a bit of a tiff, and convince myself he is going to break up with me, and I become very upset. Then I realise later that he has no intention of breaking up with me and I feel stupid and relieved. But I keep feeling like this. I'm afraid I'm going to be caught unaware again and feel that heartbreak all over again. And despite being very affectionate, attentive and caring to me in so many ways he still has not said he loves me since getting back together 5 months ago. This bothers me also.

How do I get over these fears so that we can move forward, and not have this period of our past hanging over us forever?

I have not spoken to him about these feelings, because I don't want to damage our relationship now by dwelling on the past too much.




Answers


bella
950 days ago
Hi rkw500 - I don't think you're being irrational and I would be concerned also. Since he broke up and was so unsure for that period of time, its normal for you to still feel insecure. Its also unclear if he really wanted to get back together or whether he panicked because you were going to see someone else. Its also concerning that he hasn't said he loves you.

With the initial breakup, did he give any reason for breaking up or why he didn't love you?? I'm a bit concerned why you don't feel comfortable sharing how you feel with him. Do you say you love him and he doesn't reciprocate?? You should be able to share your feelings and get complete closure with the past. True you both shouldn't dwell too much on the past, unless there's some unfinished emotions...like why did he feel he didn't love you. Best of luck.



Chemar
950 days ago
It really does sound like perhaps the trauma associated with his parent's divorcing may have influenced his past actions.

It is hard to fully trust someone who has hurt you, so your feelings are very understandable...but I agree that you should try to focus on the present, and hopefully a future with him, rather than dwell on the past.

Life has no guarantees so best to just take it a day at a time, and enjoy what you have together now.



Shota
946 days ago
Here is what I would say from the information you have given:

"I've been afraid to talk about this but I think I have to. When you said you didn't love me, I believed you. I don't know how you could love someone then not the love them again. You either do or you don't. When you ended us so abruptly, I felt a lot like I assume your mother felt. You hurt me. I love you and don't want to be with anyone else but I am terrified you are going to change your mind again. I'm not sure how you will take this and that is why I haven't said it. I have been afraid it would make you decide you don't love me again. I feel that our relationship is not stable and I am absolutely terrified that you are going to leave me and, again, I won't see it coming. I need to know exactly where you stood back then, why you made the choices you made and EXACTLY where you stand now."

It will be hard and it may cause you to break up but if it does, it would have happened anyway. If he decides to end the relationship again, make it VERY VERY clear that there are no more chances. If the relationship is ended, it is over, for good. I'm sure you wouldn't say exactly what I said because I don't have all of the information. Tell him in advance to let you get it all out before he says anything. If he tries to interrupt, "let me finish, please" should suffice. If he doesn't give you a straight answer, tell him that it sounds to you like he doesn't care and you don't want to spend a chunk of your life with someone who doesn't care. Try to do this when you both have time and can focus on each other.