Avatar Posted by Littlelilac 233 days ago (Question)
HI, I am a 30 year old woman who has had anxiety since I was 24. Back then, it was bad, and I would over think EVERYthing in my life.. carrying 'am I good enough /doing enough?" at work with me, and just overthinking my capabilities. What is strange, is that I am a person who is EXTREMELY responsible, and a MAJOR people pleaser. My mother is manic, and I have just started realizing a lot of my anxiety has stemmed from me thinking I'm just not good enough.. minimizing my Worth. She would verbally abuse me most days , and criticize EVERY single thing I ever did, felt, or said.

I actually went on a site last year asking people for help about what to do about my mom. I got a lot of feedback, and also met someone online who was /is AMAZING. We began chatting back and forth everyday, and he is quick, witty, funny, and VERY warm/kind. I have NEVER dated :(I think it is because I have always thought men would 'judge' me, and that I just couldn't measure up, to what they were used to, or know. I have been talking to this man online for 8 months now, and he has asked me a couple times if we could meet. I LIKE him VERY much.. we text too. I WANT to meet him, but I am incredibly nervous. For one, I have never kissed/dated.. :( I worry if I'll get nervous/spacey in front of him.. I have told him I will meet him, b/c we both enjoy each other so much. But I keep holding back, and I'm getting down/sad about this. I guess when I'm around my guy friends I'm fine. (because it is not a feeling of intimacy.. etc.) I don't want this fear anymore. I want to feel like I AM good enough , even if I've never dated. I get nervous OVER thinking the kissing , intimacy.. even though I think I will do fine, but I get anxious about it, and I don't know whether to just consider him in my mind only... a 'friend' for now? so I can not be too nervous?

What I overthink is also, "Will he call too much? Will he want to do TONS of things?" I get anxiety as a passenger in people's cars (I drive and am fine in that aspect).. so I end up thinking he wont like me for that too:( That a man will see I don't do a lot of traveling etc, and then reject me. I guess I could drive if I do date someone, but even with ppl in front seat, if its others besides my sis or friend, I get nervous. BUT I don't worry about that that much. I just want to feel GOOD about myself, because I am VERY loving, patient, kind.. and he keeps telling me that. That I make his day everyday, and lift him up when he is very down. So, MY QUESTION IS: A. has anyone ever experienced this.. a reluctance/fear of men.. or dating? B. what things can I do for myself to get to meet him.. to feel GOOD about Me.. to not be nervous??? I will also consider counseling, but that will take more time too lol.. when he really does want to meet , even for a bit, soon. I dream of having someone love me, and me love them.. but have been so nervous to ever do it. :( ANY tips or methods are GREATLY appreciated.. THank YOU soo much.


Answers


bella
232 days ago
Hi - have you talked to this man on webcam and does he live in your area? Just to be safe, the 1st few times you meet should be in a public place. Also suggest you get to know him very well, before you do anything physical with him....therefore I don't think you should worry about the physical aspect yet. Last thing you want to do is, get physical and realize this guy isn't genuine. Does he know you've never had a physical relationship and are you sure he's single?

I believe you can't fully know someone based on online experience - the reason is usually people filter what they say to make themselves look their best. Yes you definitely should encourage yourself to experience some real life social interactions. Don't let your anxiety hold you back. Just push past the uncomfortable feeling and try some slow deep breathing and positive thoughts. If you can't control this anxiety, please consult with a therapist because they're trained to help you get over this. Good luck.
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Chemar
231 days ago
Hi

I agree with Bella and just want to stress again to be very very careful when you meet someone you have only known online. He may be genuine, but sadly there are people who assume false personas online and turn out to be very different in reality. If you do meet, be sure it is in a very public place and do not be alone with him unless you are very sure he is ok.

You may well have developed a lot of the issues you describe based on the hyper critical attitude your mom has. It would really be good for you to enter safe social settings. Things like singles groups at faith based organizations are often a good place to start. If that does not appeal to you, joining some sort of hobby group can also help you get to know people with the same interests.

stay safe!
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helpmelive26
223 days ago
I would say just go with it. Happiness is hard to deal with, especially when you are used to sabotaging yours by over thinking. Just be happy with the fact that you two have connected the way you have. If you feel comfortable with him, take it a step further, but go at a pace that makes you feel comfortable. If he really cares for you, he can understand that.
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