I will try to make this as short as possible without missing any big issues. My wife(23) and I(29) have been married for almost 2 years. We had a great courtship but our love life fizzled after the honeymoon stage of dating. We got married after dating for just 9 months. A month after getting married we got pregnant and our love life went even further down. The pregnancy went great and my wife still says it is the happiest she has ever been. We both seemed to find a place in our lives where we were just very content. After our beautiful daughter was born our marriage began to spiral out of control. My wife seemed sad all the time, frustrated with her life. She would cry a lot and could never express to me why. Almost daily, she would accuse me of infadelity and not loving her. After months of this I grew tired of trying to express my love to her. I felt that nothing I did was good enough. 6 motnhs after our daughter was born my wife was deployed for 5 months. I reflected much during the first month on how to become a better husband for her. (trust me, there was a lot I could have been doing better) I began doing projects around the house that she had been asking me to do. I lost a bunch of weight and got in the best shape of my life. I tried to express my love and need for her in new ways and tried to be consistant. Again, nothing was ever enough or just didn't get through to her. After 2 months of her being there, she began to force the topic of divorce. She said she was unhappy in our marriage and had been since our daughter was born. She didn't see how we could ever get back to the intamacy we once had. I asked her to wait till she got home and that we go seek counseling. She kept pressing the issue. "I love you but I am just not in love with you." Those were words I heard many times. Several days after she brought up divorce, I was confronted by a woman who's husband had been deployed with my wife for the first 2 months. She told me my wife and her husband began an affair while deployed together and it continued once he returned home. At almost the same time, my wife called and told me about this friend of her's and his crazy wife. She told me there was nothing to worry about and his wife was basing her accusations of silly rumors. I truly believed my wife. I had never had a issue of trust with her. I had seen pictures of this guy and it was no one I would ever worry about my wife being attracted to. This woman began sending me emails that she had taken from her husband's account. I could tell it was my wife. A lot of stuff a husband would never want to hear his wife say to another man. His wife also told me they talked many times a day on the phone and had Skype dates. They talked a lot about both getting a divorce and marrying each other as soon as possible. Reading the emails between them, I noticed a pattern. She was reaching for a emotional connection, much of what he wrote seemed sexual. He seemed like a preditor, even more so since he was much higher in rank and was about 10 years older. This woman was threating my wife's carreer. (Adultery is not tolerated in the military) I had a had to figure out how I was going to react. It did not take long. I knew this wasn't my wife and I had sensed something very different in her since our daughter had been born. I knew that if I left her, I would still hurt and still love her. I confronted my wife. She did not deny much but said she would not discuss the details. She knew she was in rouble and her carreer was in jeopardy. She swore it was purely emotional for her and was truly sorry. She said she didn't want a divorce and wanted to do whatever it took to make up for this. She swore she would never talk to him again and reaffirmed her commitment to our marriage. For the next couple weeks everything became much better. We were laughing together again. We talked a lot about our marriage and how we could make it better. She brought up the topic of postpartum depression which made a lot of sense to me. I had trouble understanding how she went from someone that expressed to me, her family, and friends how lucky she was to have me, to someone that she could stand to even talk to. After a couple weeks I felt her begin to drift again. I had brought up several times that I didn't feel comforatble with her choice of friends and the amount of time they spent together; almost 99% men. She told me that she was having huge trouble with the guilt she felt over her affair. She didn't think I could ever trust her again and our marriage was doomed. Over the next 3 months we had many ups and downs. I heard many rumors about my wife being unfaithful. I would ask her for more to reafirm her love for me, she expressed she didn't have anything left to give. She began talking about divorce again and became more and more distant. The weeks leading up to her return home were very rough. I heard from her very little. She talked about how she was nervous that when she came home she would not be a good wife or mother. She talked about how she didn't like the person she had become while she was there. I tried to reasure her things were going to be fine and I wasn't about to bail on our marriage. When she returned home our issues worsened. She became very closed off and hostile towards me and her family that was here visiting. She became very secretive about her phone but she seemed to be texting all the time. I became very suspicious. I looked at our joint phone account online statement and saw she had been calling and texting the same number many times a day. I found out it was a man she was deployed with that I had heard rumors about with my wife. I confronted her and asked why she was talking to him so much but was so distant from me. She said she was having a lot of trouble adjusting to being home and he was just a friend she could talk to. After finding me checking her cell phone she said she truly wanted a divorce and that she didn't feel I would ever trust her again. One morning she left the house to run some errands. It didn't quite make sense to me so I drove by this guys house. Sure enough, there was our car. They were alone in his bedroom after I had been let in by a roommate. After the confronatation she told me to pack my stuff and leave. I threatened her to make our divorce messy if she didn't talk to me and at least try to reconcile. Over the next 3 weeks we had many ups and downs. We tried a counslor and many truths came out about her new affair. She was still talking to him but refused to stop. The counselor asked me to be patient because these things take time. I tried to do more things as a family with my wife and daughter. Most of it went very good but there was always that lingering thought that she was having an affair at the same time. Physaical contact was completely out of the questions. I could even touch her on the shoulder without her pulling away from me. I brought up the topic of this man she was talking to and she said it was not affecting our marriage or her feelings towards me at all. So just days ago I overheard a 20 minute phone conversation between her and this guy. Again, nothing I ever wnted to hear. A lot of her confessing her love for him and a lot of sexual talk. I confronted her on it and she then called it quits. I agreed we need to divorce. I went and slept in my bedroom and refused to talk to her after that. After a day she came and told me she had stopped talking to him and would like to see a therapist. I made the appointment and we are scheduled to go next week. But now that I am putting effort in again, she seems to be pulling away. Does anyone have any idea of what we could be dealing with here. Any time I aske her what is really going on, she just replies, "I am really sad!" I tell her I know this and she replies, "No you don't! You have no idea!" Has anyone seen a marriage or a person affected by something similar. I don't know how much more I can take!!!


Answers


bella
1528 days ago
My goodness, you've been through hell in this marriage. We're not doctors/therapists, so we can't diagnose people and even they can't diagnose over the internet. She may have postpartum depression but usually this doesn't cause sexual promiscuity. Does she seem manic at all because with bipolar disorder, this can cause promiscuous behavior. There may be nothing wrong with her. Who is taking care of your daughter at this moment and when she was deployed??

I truly think you need to file for divorce - you've been more than patient and given her far too many chances. I wonder if she's even stable to raise your child. You can't allow her to keep putting you on this roller coaster ride. Get a good lawyer and stop believing her. I don't think you should feel comfortable with her exposing your child to different men.



ashuhhlee
1528 days ago
Honestly if I was you I would either stop trying and make her try. Or just call it quits, infidelity is a big problem in a marriage and very hard to get over. If you two do get divorced get full custody over your daughter I don't think your wife can take good care of her. Good luck with everything.



mika81
1525 days ago
Her behavior seems very manic. Her emotions seeem to be all over the place. She puts very little into her life with me and her daughter. I confronted her last night about her drinking and the fact that even after Ishe said she wouldn't, she was still talking to this guy. She talked about how happy she used to be with me and then as soon as our daughter was born it just dissapeared. She said she never used to look at anything negative about me but after our daughter was born she started to focus on the negative. So whether it is postpartum or bipolar...I don't know. The way she talks about the feelings she has I really think it is something. I don't know if one type of depression kicked off the other. After confronting her about talking to her guy last night she called it quits. I agreed! She said she felt hopeless about our marriage. After a lengthy discussion we ended the night looking at pictures of our past. This morning she had left for work but had left me some very nice notes to start my day. She JUST called and and told me not to make any plans for tonight and said she got a sitter so we didn't have to take our daughter when we go see our new therapist tomorrow. Ups and downs...when I finally do give in and show her I have had enough...she starts giving again. I am very nervous to abandon her and to take my daughter even though if it came to it I know it that would be the right decision. I am afraid of what my wife would do to herself. Even after the hurt I still love her and care for her more than I can show.