Okay, this is gonna sound like I'm a teenager but I'm not. I'm 51 years old and have been in a relationship with a 41 year old man for several months now. We have known each other for 10 years but when we first met we were "running partners" as active alcoholics/addicts. We lost touch due to my going away long term for treatment and him being locked up at the time. Then recently I started looking for him because there was always a place in my heart for him. Even though we were both in active addiction together, we held onto some morals, at least more than most. In other words we were good people doing bad things. He was always trying to be protective of me even though we were in the midst of harmful activities. We had a bond. We wanted to be good for each other but knew the situation was rotten.
I found him and when we got on the phone he told me he had been looking for me, too. We began seeing eachother every day and I fell for him big time and he said he had always loved me but was afraid to tell me.
I don't really know myself well and I would guess neither does he since we were heavy alcoholics our whole lives. We are both fairly new in recovery. This is not a question about recovery or addiction though, since I have a great sponsor and talk to her about all that, so please no advice on that, I just give the background to help with the question.
He says he has never been able to talk to his past girlfriends like he can talk to me- he says he can be himself with me. I've told him I'm in love with him and crazy about him, which I am. He says he loves me and says he's "in love" with me when prompted. Here's the problem: He is NOT as affectionate. His kisses are more like pecks on my lips or just placing his lips on mine for a moment or two. Sometimes I think it's because of the way he grew up and was more of a "fighter" than a "lover", in my opinion. You should hear all the stories I've heard of him and his older brother terrorizing the block they lived on and always getting into trouble and fighting with each other, and so on. I don't know...
Considering my history, one can assume correctly that I struggle with insecurities, but I just want to know that he's as crazy about me as I am about him. I don't want a one-sided romance here, or to feel that it's more about convenience for him and passion for me. And that's what I'm wondering. I can't imagine that a man who is CRAZY about a woman wouldn't want to REALLY kiss her! So, some of my feelings about this has slipped out to him and so yesterday he was playful with me pretending to kiss me "like in the movies" and of course I genuinely laughed even though I am truly concerned about this. We laugh alot.
I just can't get over this feeling that because he doesn't pull me close spontaneously or really kiss me that it is indicitive of a lack of true love. He is now "trying" to do little things (like put his arm around my waist when I'm doing the dishes and kiss my neck, etc) which is really nice that he's being considerate, but should someone have to "try" when they are "in love".
I should add that I do not have bad breath, I brush my teeth, my tongue and floss a couple times a day. Also, people tell me I look younger and are always surprised at my age. I consider myself cute and I have the body of a teenager, not to mention a compassionate, non-judgemental, good heart. In fact, HIS breath is sometimes kinda stale, because he neglected his teeth for years, but that is over-ridden by my deep feelings for him, his beautiful eyes, good heart, and many good attributes.
Am I making too much of this, or is it really "in his kiss"?
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