Okay, this is gonna sound like I'm a teenager but I'm not. I'm 51 years old and have been in a relationship with a 41 year old man for several months now. We have known each other for 10 years but when we first met we were "running partners" as active alcoholics/addicts. We lost touch due to my going away long term for treatment and him being locked up at the time. Then recently I started looking for him because there was always a place in my heart for him. Even though we were both in active addiction together, we held onto some morals, at least more than most. In other words we were good people doing bad things. He was always trying to be protective of me even though we were in the midst of harmful activities. We had a bond. We wanted to be good for each other but knew the situation was rotten.

I found him and when we got on the phone he told me he had been looking for me, too. We began seeing eachother every day and I fell for him big time and he said he had always loved me but was afraid to tell me.

I don't really know myself well and I would guess neither does he since we were heavy alcoholics our whole lives. We are both fairly new in recovery. This is not a question about recovery or addiction though, since I have a great sponsor and talk to her about all that, so please no advice on that, I just give the background to help with the question.

He says he has never been able to talk to his past girlfriends like he can talk to me- he says he can be himself with me. I've told him I'm in love with him and crazy about him, which I am. He says he loves me and says he's "in love" with me when prompted. Here's the problem: He is NOT as affectionate. His kisses are more like pecks on my lips or just placing his lips on mine for a moment or two. Sometimes I think it's because of the way he grew up and was more of a "fighter" than a "lover", in my opinion. You should hear all the stories I've heard of him and his older brother terrorizing the block they lived on and always getting into trouble and fighting with each other, and so on. I don't know...

Considering my history, one can assume correctly that I struggle with insecurities, but I just want to know that he's as crazy about me as I am about him. I don't want a one-sided romance here, or to feel that it's more about convenience for him and passion for me. And that's what I'm wondering. I can't imagine that a man who is CRAZY about a woman wouldn't want to REALLY kiss her! So, some of my feelings about this has slipped out to him and so yesterday he was playful with me pretending to kiss me "like in the movies" and of course I genuinely laughed even though I am truly concerned about this. We laugh alot.

I just can't get over this feeling that because he doesn't pull me close spontaneously or really kiss me that it is indicitive of a lack of true love. He is now "trying" to do little things (like put his arm around my waist when I'm doing the dishes and kiss my neck, etc) which is really nice that he's being considerate, but should someone have to "try" when they are "in love".

I should add that I do not have bad breath, I brush my teeth, my tongue and floss a couple times a day. Also, people tell me I look younger and are always surprised at my age. I consider myself cute and I have the body of a teenager, not to mention a compassionate, non-judgemental, good heart. In fact, HIS breath is sometimes kinda stale, because he neglected his teeth for years, but that is over-ridden by my deep feelings for him, his beautiful eyes, good heart, and many good attributes.

Am I making too much of this, or is it really "in his kiss"?


Answers


Edahn
1789 days ago
I think it's hard to say without seeing him. Have you asked him?

I'm guessing it falls into one of two categories: 1) He'S self-conscious around you about his looks/teeth/quality 2) He doesn't feel as attracted, either physically or emotionally. (1) can also feed into (2).

I say talk to him. Ask him to be honest with you and let him know that honesty is the only way meaningful change ever occurs.



Graceful
1789 days ago
Thanks Edahn, He's quite good looking but does have a broken tooth (one of his two front teeth) that he hasn't been able to get fixed yet. Also, I HAVE asked him, and he said he WAS self-conscious of that. Maybe I should leave it at that, but I am more insecure than I sound, and in addition there is the matter of closeness and hugging, etc. that go with the kissing thing and nullify the self-consciousness over teeth reason. I just wish there was a man out there with similar ways who could tell me he really loved her despite these not so affectionate ways. You know? Is it possible? I'm so pathetic. :) Also, I never told him his breath smelled bad. LOL This is starting to seem silly but it does bother me alot.



Graceful
1789 days ago
Oops, I meant to click "reply" so this was a repeated comment.



Edahn
1788 days ago
Well, self-consciousness is self-consciousness, but it means there's something deeper to discuss. I think you should delve into it more.

Regarding his breath, buy him a month's supply of Binaca and leave a note saying "hint hint



zanzivar
1788 days ago
This kissing thing...well, I'm like that with my husband. I don't like kissing him on the lips. It doesn't feel good. However I love him kissing me on the neck. In fact he is a master at it!

I LOVE kissing my lover on the lips though. Oh, God, it feels so good! We have big long ones you know and the way he pulls me so tight to him...you would just melt! However, he is useless at my neck! (I can see this post getting rejected!). I'd better go away to bed before I get carried away!

Love Zanzivar.



Graceful
1788 days ago
Thanks, Zanzivar

Yes it can be a stimulating subject, LOL!



Thumbelina
1788 days ago
OK. I promise I won't say anything about this being just the start of sobriety for each of you and it's not a good idea to form relationships for a certain length of time especially if it's your first rodeo. OK? I promise I won't mention that. Now. It's possible that your friend really doesn't know how to treat a woman romantically. My parents never touched each other and rarely kissed in front of us. How weird is that! Maybe he's never had an example to follow. It surely sounds like he's self-conscious about it. What I am going to say is this: I've been married ....well, more than once. And none of my previous husbands knew how to hold me or kiss me or touch me in a way that made my toes curl. And, none of those marriages worked out even though I really don't think it had much to do with the toe curling thing. But, the man who I am currently married to and will be married to the rest of my life, the first time he put his arms around me and held me close to him, I felt like I had just found my home. He's not a great kisser. He's a bit awkward in that department. But he holds me, and kisses my neck, and kisses my arms, and treats me like a queen. He tells me every day how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. And every day, because he knows how much it means to me, he puts his arms around me and says he is never going to let me go or let anything happen to me. There are other things about our relationship that are not ideal. In fact, many couples probably could not cope with some of the things that don't work for us anymore, if you catch my drift. But each person has to decide what is important. Take the suggestions from Edahn and Zanzivar into consideration, plus what's the hurry? From what you describe, it really isn't a one-sided romance but it just isn't the way you would like it to be in the affection department quite yet. I don't think you can rush this guy into anything but it does sound like he is at least trying. You both are feeling awkward. I remember how it was when I was first sober. Yep. Me, too. Slow it down, babe. What's the rush? Become good sober friends while you're at it.



Graceful
1788 days ago
Hi Thumbelina, Thanks for not saying anything about early recovery and relationships. lol! Thanks for putting so much into your answer, it made me feel alot better about things.



Clyde
1784 days ago
Maybe you could "play" with him, and make it such a thing as foreplay, kind of like, "here, do this, I love this," kind of thing?

Best,

Clyde



Graceful
1783 days ago
Thanks Clyde, that's a good idea. With some good timing, it could go well..